Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just in case, I'll put The Smiths on my Ipod.

Today, I've dedicated to digging into my mind and uncovering all the bands I used to listen to. For some reason, as I do this, I keep thinking about who would be impressed if they decided to randomly go through my Ipod someday.
It brings back a lot of fond memories :]
Like of one day when I was sitting on the Lido Deck of the ship and was desperately hoping that the group of kids around me would like me so I wouldn't be alone for 2 weeks...this boy, Evan (who I'm sure most of my friends have heard about by now), was going through my Ipod and was really impressed how "well-rounded [my] music tastes are". From there on out, we actually had stuff to talk about all the time and he became a really close friend of mine for 2 weeks.
And how Kozlov always used to ask me about bands in Geometry and I'd feel bad when I had no idea what he was talking about.
Music is wonderful C:

Maybe someday I can use my musical knowledge to fall in love with a complete stranger in an elevator.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I've said it before and I'll say it again

I'm no longer sure of my blog posts because I've posted soooo many over the past 2 years, I don't know what I've addressed or what I've accomplished or even if I've used a title before.

But whether I've said it before or not,
I am happy! I'm always happy!
but I tend to feed off the energy of those around me a bit too much so lately, I've been very drained and easily annoyed.
Whenever I'm alone, my mood enhances by like 20 points..but I hate being alone.

Negativity needs to pack its bags and get far far away from me.
I'm so terribly sick of it.

side note: I've been obsessing over girl singers lately
and been fantasizing about possibly taking up singing again.
Now, all I need is a band to back me up. Hahhh
Whatever. ^-^

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I am absolutely 150% completely and utterly....

...sick of people letting me down time and time again.

Monday, December 21, 2009

goodbye 2k9

Yes, I know I'm a big premature for writing this blog because I'm stuck with this year for a few more weeks.
but I'm ready to get it over with!
so here is an early blog with a recap of the year.
good, bad, and everything in between
(I think I made an almost exact one of these last year)

-I got my dream car! Scion XB 2006 is now mine :]]
-I wrecked my dream car and have yet to get it repaired...

-I started off the year with a fantastic boyfriend!
-I'm ending it being single with absolutely no interest in anyone.
-I dated my dream boy....who ended up not being anywhere close to who I thought he was

-I visited the Academy of Art's open house in Atlanta and fell in love with the school only to find out that it was in San Fransisco and I wasn't allowed to attend
(parents' rules there)

-I spent the summer volunteering at Castaway Critters and loved every second of it :D! Skye and I became really close during this time period!
and I became obsessed with Big Macs

I guess I kind of only remember the most recent things that have happened really.
My list is short, yes. I changed a lot this year. Maybe not so much changed as just realized that I have no idea who I am.
And that's really hard for me to admit because I was never one of the things I thought I'd have trouble with.
I get so much of "ohhh you like that? well so does ________"
and it happens to be a reoccurring person I hear that about which is the part that bothers me. I don't want to seem like I like stuff because she does.
and I know like what you like and blahhh
but ugh I don't know. For some reason it's just bothering me a lot right now.
I'm running from idea to idea and living up to my claim of changing my mind more than an alcoholic drinks.
I need to calm down and figure out my beliefs on each topic and put a lot of thought into my words before I let them run off my tongue.

As I promised myself last year, I have no new years resolutions this year.

I'm ready for 2010.
I wish each year came with a blank page and a fresh start.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm kind of afraid to be honest...

I get so incredibly intimidated when I look at other fashion designers' works. Or even just the style of other people's everyday fashion.
I know that I'm no where near as advanced as others out there. I know I can't dress the way they do or match up to their standards at all.
And that scares the heck out of me. or rather just intimidates me.

In Blairsville, I'm on top of everything.
People comment on my "original" style and how I'm going to go far with my designs...which is too be expected. I'm the only designer in Blairsville.
but when you compare me to the real world, I'm smaller than an ant.

I know I haven't had much experience and I still learn with every piece I create but..I guess I just get anxious sometimes. I want everything now! I want to be the best and the top dog all the time.
I hate the thought of competition but I've gathered that that is all that life turns out to be. One giant competition.
"sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself"

Maybe I don't even want to be compared to the rest. Maybe I'll get farther by doing my own thing and never matching their styles.
Come in from the side into the line of fashion instead of taking a direct shot!
That shall be my plan :]
and hey, if I happen to fail, I always have looks to fall back on. I'll just marry rich! (I'm kidding...slightly)

speaking of falling in love and getting married...
am I the only one who gets butterflies looking at him? :]!

I mean, really,how can you not love fashionable Asian boys?!
"Hong Kong, Malaysia, all over Asia, I'll have one of those please!
Asian boy you will be mine!"

I think now at the end of this blog, I managed to flip my mood upside down!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I realized tonight that when I'm narrating things in my head,
I use a variety of different accents.
Not sure why but it makes me happy :]!

I'm obsessing over Miss Li right now!
She's soo cute and her music is perfect!

OH! and this camera gives me just about the same feeling as Miss Li does

cute explosion :D!

I'm done :]]

that's what you get...

when you let your heart win.

*clears throat*
I don't like Paramore at all, actually.

anyway...back to my point.
that's what I get for being a pessimist.
I got myself all completely worked up over worrying about how much trouble I'd be in over my car.
Turns out, reality agreed with the way I wanted things to work out in my mind!

I got a "I hope you learned your lesson"
which OHHHMAN did I!
The worry and bother of knowing that my baby car is scratched up is more depressing than any punishment I could be given.
I have to fork out the money for the repair buuuut that is completely understandable and I don't mind that at all.

I'm only partially joking


Monday, December 7, 2009

Can we get bartering back up in hur, please?!

ohhh how I hate money.
Reason One: I can never do anything fun without the spending of money is some fashion.
And if there is a way, well, I don't know it. Other than sitting at each others' houses.

Reason Two: I always want to buy things for people! or lend them money. Because, hey, I like people to have cute stuff and I already have or can make things that I want ^-^

Christmas is coming up FAST! Hooray! right?
Well...I would think so. over $200 in my checking account and loads of fun present ideas! Sweaters, quirky necklaces, high-class makeup, thoughtful things for my family (FIRST YEAR I CAN BUY THEM STUFF THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT :D!), etc.
But now, thanks to my tiny screw up, I'm probably going to have to lessen my present giving and resort to either making a lot of what I give or just marking a bunch of people off my list, making them a card, and apologizing.

Today, I got in a mini crash. Nothing major happened other than a giant chunk of my car got knocked off when I hit a curb (that's what I get for driving a car that is 2inches off the ground). Apparently it's called a skirt or something...that's what my guy friends called it anyway.
Well, anyway, now the majority of my money is going to fix that. I'm estimating it costing over $100 or so. In which case, I'll then go into super frugal mode and start thinking about how $100 is approximately 5 tanks of gas with the current gas prices
and freak out and...that's where the lack of present-giving comes in.

It's not even the money that is seriously getting me down right now. It's that my dad doesn't know yet. My philosophy is "okay. I know I messed up BIG time! Let's just fix it, pay for it, be extra careful next time, and move on"
In my world, that's how things would be done.
However, in the real world (ohhh how I hate you, reality), I am thought of to not be able to "learn" anything unless my stupid actions have consequences of some sort.
Sooo when dad does find out, I'm expecting being grounded, having my car taken away, and being phoneless for a few days.
Along with a lot of yelling and accusations that I was doing something stupid and goofing off and just all in all not taking my driving seriously.


I hate money.
I hate being yelled at for things I ALREADY know I did wrong and can learn from on my own.

Have I mentioned I have a tiny bit over a year left here?
Time to kick Ichigo into high gear! Don't want to end up a hobo on the streets. I plan on getting a Spring Fashion Show together come March (or April).
Showing off my designs with kickbutt music, models, and lights :D! Pretty low budget stuff, I'm sure.
But it'll get me motivated none the less!
[[this was a tiny off-subject pick me up]]

I keep allowing myself to get back into a good mood
only for it to be crushed again with the thoughts that I just expressed. Maybe now that they are here they'll stay out of my head.
One can only hope.

December 7, 2009 - My first accident!
A date that should most definitely be forgotten, please. Add the rest of this week to the slate of forgetting. I'm pretty sure it's going to suck.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

2 random factoids.

I am 99% sure I have a slight case of separation anxiety.
and I become attached to every single person I meet...even if it's just from a two second conversation.

that's a fact! that's a factoid about me :]!

oh and I really like Mitchell Davis but hey, who doesn't?

Farrah and I still need to make a reenactment of this :]]

Yep, that's all!
bye :]

Monday, November 30, 2009


a topic I've been apart of the majority of my life.
The giggles when I walk by, the "OMG what is she WEARing!?", the blank stares, the flat out rude remarks...all of it. Been there, done that.
You'd think by now I'd be use to it. I mean, hey, it's my fault anyway right? If I don't want the attention, don't draw the attention to yourself.
Yeah, no thanks.
I dress the way I do and do the things I do because that's what makes me happy. I don't do it for attention or to give some low-life an opportunity to use me as a personal punching bag.

Teen Vogue has even turned to helping teenagers cope with damaging effects of bullying. I thought it was pretty cool that they took up a few pages to speak out against mean girls and how that's not cool in the slightest. So much of media shows girls that nothing is wrong with it and it's cool to be mean. Maybe Teen Vogue will help get the message across. If only there was some way I could get the message across to teenage boys as well.

I absolutely cannot stand how people treat each other sometimes!
Despite what we look like, we're all people. We all have feelings and all get those feelings hurt occasionally.
According to the article, teen suicide is on rise yet again. With further investigation into these suicide cases, there has been a trend of cyber-bullying and name calling and friends stabbing each other in the back.
Nothing gets under my skin more than mean people!
Like...ugh. Just think about it.
You take your nasty opinion, wad it up, and throw it at someone. For you, the deed is done.
For them, however, that opinion is going to cling to them and run in their minds over and over. People like me, that hurt isn't going to show very easily. They're going to wipe it off and keep smiling their way throughout the day.
But there is only so much wiping off that can be done. Eventually, it's going to cling. It's going to pop up in the back of their minds at random.

I don't know...
I just cannot understand why people treat each other like this!
Stuff like that hurts and no one seems to care! Life is just a giant cat fight for some people. Clawing their way to the top, trampling anyone who is standing nearby.

People are getting meaner and less caring all around. In my eyes anyway.

But I ask,
what if we all just stopped and thought about the cruelest thing we've said to or about someone. Think about what it was said to begin with or why you felt it was important?
From there, maybe we can make a change. Make people think twice before they spit something hurtful out.
Yeah, opinions matter and I know not everyone is going to agree...but why does that mean that people who disagree have to be thrown down like ragdolls?

People are people.
Regardless of sex, age, heritage, sexual orientation, style of dress, choice of music, or whatever else you can think of!
We all share some common ground somewhere. I'm sure if you gave more people a chance, you'd see that everyone has some beauty about them.
People are quirky!
And that's what makes us interesting.

So shut up and smile :]
Just be nice.
words to live by, I must say!

Friday, November 27, 2009

in my world, even the doves are blingin'

recently, I've been watching lots of photography shows.
Now I understand why people fall so in love with the art of photography...it's grand!
although I don't think I could ever conquer it.

but, I was watching this adorable couple where the boy was a photographer and the girl was just kinda a socialite.
They were equally as well-known because his shots were shown all over the world and she was his main model. It was cute :]
So, with that said, I wanna date a photographer, please :P!

I'm still sick.
I think I have the flu, honestly.
I'm spending the day on the computer trying to find "inspiration" for my pottery scrapbook. Not all that easy.
I also have an anatomy project due soon but I think I'm probably going to put that off till like Sunday afternoon. Great plan, I know.

I've kinda given up on people in Blairsville. I love the place, just not the people.
(except for the select few who I love and they know who they are already)

I need a change of scenery. A change of style. Change of well...everything!
And I want hair like this :]

Saturday, November 21, 2009

second blog in one day...

I typically hate doing this but, hey, when I gotta blog, I gotta blog.

I am a teenager.
I hate when people use that as an excuse for stupidity but I'm currently going to do that.
I don't think things through fully and I forget a lot.
Like making plans and then making plans on top of those plans. I do that..a lot.
And I never mean to. Both of the plans are super important to me, always, I just never put 2 and 2 together and realize I can be in two places at once.

I'm all over the place.
I am a bit reckless with others' feelings something. I think that comes from the fact that I'm not sensitive to some of the things that most other people are.
Hmph (x2)

I apologize. It's just how I am and I don't mean to be.
I'm a bit careless sometimes.

I am ready 2 hours early.
How typical!

November 21, 2009

I didn't have another name for this blog sooo the date will just have to do.
I'm in a list making mood!
Topic of today's list: Things that are currently undergoing change

1. My hair (It's going back to brown ASAP!)

2. School...I really needa kick things up a notch and so far, I'm doing a pretty good job at that

3.Relationship status. I'm single, as everyone knows by now. Which, hey, we didn't even make it to two months but just moving on from that in general is a huge change. When you have a huge crush on someone for nearly 6 months, it's weird to then just stop thinking about them completely. *shrug*

4. musical tastes.

5. anxious-ness! that's not really different at all for me but it's starting to pile up and become almost unbearable! I want something new to drive past every day and new people to hang out with on the weekends.

6. new people/friends. the second half of my number 5 is partially coming true. I'm getting a lot of new friends all at once. New people, specially in great numbers, always makes me dizzy! so many new things come with new people!

hmmm I guess that's about it right now.
just all of this coming at once is like WHOaH! hey there

my stomach hurts and I have "date" tonight. Not really sure if HE considers a date, that's why I use quotations.
In all honesty, I'm nervous ^-^

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Name change?!

I love the name Starship! buuuuut I'm kinda sick of people saying
"z000mG! do you know that there is a porn store in Atlanta named Starship?"
yes....I'm aware.
So I think I'm finally going to suck it up and just change the name.

To what?
That I'm not sure of.
I'm currently leaning toward Gamebox!
Cute, short, annnnd retro-ish sounding (gameboys...ya know?)

I'm not set on that or anything sooo if you have an cute name, throw it at me!
I kinda wanted something that would go in front of Couture and sound cool but I haven't thought of anything yet *shrug*

The name has to resemble the clothes I make, of course.
Sooooo think of how I dress and what would be a good name for the kinda style.

ooooor I'll just stick with Gamebox.
Yes yes.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I am happy :]

for the first time in close to two months, I am legitimately happy!

So I felt the need to post a blog marking this day :]!
well, actually, this happiness came back yesterday buuuuut I was busy cleaning my room and making other tiny improvements in my life yesterday.
But today, today let the records show, I am happy!

No more insecurity.
No more awkward silences.
No more jealousy.
No more staying up late wondering about pointless sad things.
No more jumping every time I get a text message only to be let down that it wasn't the one I was waiting all day for.
No more coming up with lame excuses to make myself feel better.
No more of any of that

Please don't let me do that again.
"I always tell myself I'll know next time but I still waste my time on you"

Monday, November 16, 2009

I must say...

that this is true.
partially anyway.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

ho hum

sooo I've become rather antisocial lately.
not so much with acquaintances but when it comes to close friends, I'm preferring to be alone.
Not entirely sure why. I mean, of course, I love my friends!

but something about lately makes me feel like I'm looking for something.
maybe something entirely new and in a completely different direction than the way I've been looking.
Like I said, not sure.
But hopefully, once I find it, things will go back to normal.

Or at least, I can only hope that things will


Saturday, November 14, 2009

So, that's that.

and with that, that's the end of that.
The abrupt ending that no one, not even I, saw coming.
But oh well, I suppose that I am done with that
and that's all I can do about that.

I just want to say thank you to those of you who stick by me through everything.
Those that, even though they disagreed with the needless length of my unhappiness, they took the time out of their days to try and cheer me up even in the slightest bit.
Thank you especially to those who, no questions asked, knew that I needed them and called me right away and listened to me cry and complain for hours on end (well, there is really only one person who did this but I'll use "them" regardless).
Oh, even thank you to those who simply smiled at me in the hall, not knowing that anything was going on but that I just looked to be "not as happy as usual".
Every effort made me feel better
and at this point, all I can do is convince myself that I'm right for doing what I did.

I'm off to get ready for Fall Ball soon.
I'm going datelessly buuut I don't mind...I don't think I've ever had a date to a dance and I've always had tons of fun! Tonight won't be any different!
First year of driving myself
and not having to run outside every 2 seconds after 10:30 to see if my mom is there yet or not.
(I love stealing Skye's words)

It's songs like this one that makes me think of what Anthony once said: "why do all of your favorite songs talk about a lifestyle you're completely against?"
I still cannot answer him. Buuuuut this song is my current number one!

(oh yeah...I don't know what's up with the video either. It's the only one I could find that wasn't from a live show though)

OH! This song too :]
I jam to this when driving down the road. However, I switch around a few words in the chorus XD

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

College Admission Essay

Hur we GO!

I'm not sure my prompt yet because I've been sewing and haven't looked for a prompt I want to use yet but I know what I want to say...basically.

I am a fashion designer. Not just behind the sewing machine but at heart and mind as well. I see the world through eyes of fashion. My dream [is] to make everyone in the world look fabulous and feel amazing about themselves in their own skin - not just to to create "the look" and dump everyone into the mold.
-and then skip around a bunch and get onto my personality traits.-
every piece of work I create, a little piece of my personality captures itself among the stitches. My clothing [has] zest and originality! No two pieces are exactly alike and I intend to keep my designs permanently that way.

Hmmm that's all I have so far.
I'm probably going to look into Parsons School of Design's prompt. I can probably find one there about fashion.
I did find a cool one that just said "Tell us about yourself"
Buuuuut I would like it to be more art targeted.

Oh! the bracketed words are passive voices that I can't have in my final copy :P!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Get Used To It, Kid

things have been changing lately.
my relationships with people, my outlook, my priorities, and y'know just everything in general.

and I've been failing to realize that, hey, things are just different not necessarily bad.

So I shall adapt to my new environments and suck it up and deal with it ^-^

because it's true that things aren't bad, just different than what I'm used to.

ohh Allison, you always get how I'm feeling.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Thank you.

I'm actually not feeling down today at all.
I'm finally starting to get used to the combination of everything different life is currently throwing my way.

I got too in touch with reality recently. Times like that suck. Haha!
I get so overwhelmed by everything because it's all I ever think about.
I just need to stay up in my own mind-world where things are safe

"Its ok to get down sometimes. We are human. No one has a perfect life. If your feelin sad, unmotivated or depressed. Thats ok.. it is good to feel. If you feel nothing then you have a problem. Everytime your down you always get back up again. Without the bad there is no good. Without the ups there is no down. I personally think when im having down days they motivate me more then anything. You need to look at your life and figure out why your feeling that way. Once you figure it out, your golden!"
-Audrey Kitching

Sunday, November 1, 2009

It's all true, yes

I feel very threatened by everyone and everything lately.
Good for self esteem? Not even in the slightest.
And that's been causing people to cock their heads in confusion when I get bummed out at random sarcastic remarks they throw at me - stuff like that never used to bother me.

So why the all of a sudden change?
Well, the best reason I can come up with is that I'm no longer doing anything productive and rewarding in my own personal affairs.
Every second of my day is either taken up by color guard, homework, family, or sleep.
Actually, I should be finishing up The Great Gatsby and doing definitions for anatomy right now but, obviously, I am doing neither.
My self esteem used to come from me being able to be successful in my hobbies and loving what I did with my spare time. It came from the fact that I could completely indulge myself in something that had nothing to do with anyone but myself and I could be confident with everything I did.
But hey, not now.
Now I'm caught up in trying to understand words like sarcoplasmic reticulum and forcing myself to remember what they mean; which, by the way, sarcoplasmic reticulm is an irregular curtain around muscle fibrils...just saying :]

I don't wanna worry about my future, I just want to have it right now.

And on top of all of that, I'm still desperately trying to hold on to the things I love most - friends, family, boyfriend, sewing -
but, in the long run, I'm just being awkward and treating them like crap because everything I say and do is completely forced these days.

School is driving me insane :[

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All I Want Is You

will you be my bride, take me by the hand and stand by my side?

I have decided,
I want to live the life of Jason Mraz.
He's just so full of love and seems like the kind of guy I'd like to sit in the bed of a pickup truck with and discuss the weather for hours.

I'm going out there and take today on and say, "day...what chyoo got?"

Can we go to his show, please? :]]!

Oh and I also want my world to resemble that of a giant FredFlare store.


oh...well DUH!

Epiphanies are great!
I love when everything finally "slaps me in the face like a wet squirrel"
(thanks to Mrs. Marsh for the wonderful sayin')

I realized I dragged my insecurities from my previous relationship
and let them overcome me in this one.
Yes, every problem I've had for the past 3 weeks have been greatly caused due to my relationship
[[not Jonathan's fault, I'm just crazy sometimes]]
but hey, I figured it out and not I can stop doing what I'm doing.

Blogging is a great release! I don't think I would of figured this out
if it wasn't for going back and reading super old posts.

(I'm just all about stealing sayings tonight)

Kaybye :]!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I'm vulnerable these days.

I'm pathetic and silly
and don't care anymore. I don't have a guard anymore
and it's so strange to feel that I just blurt out "I love you"s left and right
and never even think about it anymore.

Sure I like it and this is what I wanted
but, I still feel insanely vulnerable and am just hoping no one is currently taking advantage of it.

I found this poem thing that just kinda elaborates on how I feel:

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.
You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.
Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?

-Diane Blue

I'm extremely happy today :D!
I've been dancing around my room and getting ready for the Three Dog Night concert tonight all day!

I want to drive somewhere.
I am feeling unbearably anxious!

Friday, October 23, 2009


I now know why you were so hurt with the way I acted.
I'm being treated exactly the same as I had treated you
and I'm miserable most of the time.

So, I know what's it like
and I don't blame you at all for how you reacted...
I'm sorry; sorry I didn't see it before now.

I don't apologize to how you were in particular,
just for what I did to you.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm beginning to realize..

that Buddha knows what he's talking about.
The only true happiness you can find is within yourself.

I'm skeptical of everything around me.
I'm beginning to think this kind of a self-esteem issue.
But....I'm not typically one to have self confidence issues. I don't know what's wrong.

is perfect.

I have my dream car - Scion XB - that my parents and grandma so graciously bought for me over fall break!
I have an awesome boyfriend!
I finally have a life; my planner has never been so jammed packed. Day after day it's more stuff to be done and more and more people relying on me. I'm busy and I love it! I feel independent and free. I'm finally more on my own and it's just the slight taste of being my own person that I've been fretting to grab.
I'm starting to visit colleges and receive scholarships and being forced to think more on my future. Which I'm super excited for!

but for some reason, I can't just accept this.
as I said, I'm skeptical. I'm scared I'm not good enough for any of this.
I'm paranoid that with Jonathan playing bigger shows, he's going to find some other girl that he likes a lot more and just leave me in the dust because I'm not good enough.
I'm scared my grades aren't good enough to get me the scholarships I want and I'm not going to be privileged enough to get into my dream school!
Everyone around me is doing better than me...or so it seems.
All the girls around me are so gorgeous and I feel crappy about my own appearance.

Random confession (I was thinking about this on the way home):
I spent the majority of my younger childhood trying soooooo hard to fit in with the popular crowd and they never wanted me.
I could never find a group I fit in with. So, around the time I met Farrah, I just decided to make my own group.
If I couldn't find a group that wanted me, I'd make my own.
For the past 5-6 years, I've done an amazing job of convincing everyone that weird is what I LIKE being - and heck, don't get me wrong, I adore who I am and, now, wouldn't change myself for the world.
I just think it's funny how all of this got started.
I love who I am though. I would like to thank all of your silly cliques and you not wanting me; I'm 15698% happy with my own outcome!

I just want to sit around and sew and sip tea tea all day.
Watch Ovation tv and stay up way too late.
I don't want responsibility!
I'm sick of being compared to everyone around me. I want to surround myself with people that I'm completely positive won't replace me.

"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. "

I need to take his advice and
stop my bellyachin'

No one has put this impression on me. This is my own paranoia - a battle within my mind.
All I can do is overcome this myself.
I am beautiful
Step 1 to recovery

Monday, October 19, 2009

WHOAH! what's happening?

what has been going on?
this path I've chosen is far from what I thought it would be.

I always lose track of myself on occasion.

I know it sounds silly, but sometimes the wreckless underlay of myself tends to bubble to the surface. I get that side of me from my dad & it's kinda hard to keep that part under control sometimes.
I love my dad, of course
but I don't want to become him.

This calls for a re-evaluation. I hate these times. When I realize I've been a total douchebag for about a month and then have to go back and fix everything.
I do this at least 3 times a year. every year
when shall I learn?

probably never.

like to keep ya on your toes, home slice

I am ridiculously optimistic tonight :D!
I had a honey tea and sewing night...nothing pleases me more, I swear. Haha!

Oh and Happy Birthday, boyfriendRoachboy :D!
It's officially illegal for me to be dating you. But hey, I'm willing to take that risk for you.

OH! OH! (x2)
The Mirror, The Portrait are playing an in-store performance at Hot Topic sometime next week. I'm pretty sure I'm 30 times more excited than the band at the moment.

I'm off to frolic around and eventually write my summary for world history.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It's comin' on like the rain

people (and animals for that matter) often claim that they can predict
when storms are coming. They tend to feel it in their bones
and just have a sense of it...or so I've heard.
Now I don't know much about predicting rain but I have a similar feeling
about something new slowly creating itself.

What, as of now, I know not.
But I am anxious and get kind of dizzy when I try to think about what could be going on.
I love being anxious and not exactly knowing for what.
That feeling has never failed me yet.

Hopefully, a brand new adventure is about to reveal itself.
I'm one hundred percent ready to take whatever it may be with full stride.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

what's that over there in the distance?

ohhhh hay, it's college.
Everyone already knows my two cents on being excited
and scared out of my mind.

Fall 2011

This place has potential to be my home for 4 years:

But then again, so does this place:

Balancing out the benefits never seems to add up.
Atlanta was my original plan. 2 hours away from home. Decent sized city. I know my way around pretty well already. SCAD is there. Art Institute is there. I'd have a totally clean slate since I'm not moving there with anyone.

Nashville has been thrown at me recently. 4 hours away from home. Smaller city (and really artsy from what I've heard...that's always a plus). Farrah, Jonathan, and Pittman will be there - connections are always nice. I could attend the Art Institute there as well.

Both are awesome choices!
I'd have to find a way to get a lot of scholarship money if I went to Nashville though (HOPE wouldn't go to Tennessee, of course).
I guess I still have another year and a half to figure out what's going on so I don't need to fret right now.
I don't even know what's going on next week let alone next year.

But, one thing for certain,
I'm going to curl up into bed right now and watch Across The Universe for the 300th time and recite the lines.

Oh and another thing for certain, in college,
I'm going to introduce myself to everyone as Rawley :]!
Bri is getting old and Rawley sounds more artsy and mysterious anyway ^-^
I'm lame.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

might I just add..

...that I rely on other people's energy far too much.
when other people don't feel good, I don't feel good.

I'm kind of worried about myself.
I want to have time to be happy!

I believe this is my last year of color guard...it's dumb to intentionally put myself through all of this crap again.
I'm done with crappy people and I'm not going to let myself constantly be a pushover anymore. Time to stick up for myself.
I'm latching on to a few amazing people and they shall become my support system.
I'll go back to sewing every spare moment I have rather than wasting it on people who I don't mean a thing to.
I guess I'm toughening up to hide how truly vulnerable I feel these days.


the entire world seems to be slowly getting darker.
Maybe it's the weather and the fact that the world actually is moving further away from the sun.
but in every aspect, everything is darker.

no one is as happy
people are just becoming meaner
I'm back to having some trust issues with a few people
everyone is stressed and losing time to actually care about people
and everyone is just walking around like mindless zombies.

it's great....

Or it may just be that I'm a:

Sunday, September 27, 2009

every few months or so

I like to post one blog that basically sums up how amazing my life actually is.
As everyone knows, I blog when I'm down. When the tiniest thing is bothering me, I blog so I can get it out in the open before it consumes me.
But I'm almost always happy!
I love my life :] It's amazing! And I don't want to look back on all of my negative blogs and only remember those times.

So here you go - a list of how wonderful my life is (it has to be list form cause there is too many) :

- I am finally dating the most insanely amazing boy I've met :] He's the boy I'm going to be incredibly foolish with (since everyone and everything seems to think that's a good idea). I gave him a clean slate and am determined to not be my timid weird self around him. He's been in my life for a relatively short time but I already trust him with a lot and am glad that I feel as though I can.
We're just getting started, ladies and gents

-I feel even more involved with my morals. As I'm growing up, moral decisions are put to the test even more. Not even just with sex and drugs, but with choices in general. My moral drive plays a major part in my life and I am entirely gracious that I have friends, family, and a boyfriend who support that decision of mine to the max!

-School is very challenging. As much as I complain about it, I like the challenge. I'm constantly overwhelmed but, in the end, I think it's good for me. I needed a challenge

-Colleges keep having interest in me and I haven't even submitted SAT or ACT scores yet

-I'm currently going through a "growing" period. I've been faced with a lot of rough times...well, rough for me cause I'm a pansy. I've learned to be careful with who I trust to the fullest.

-My outlook on everything has changed a lot in some aspects. As I said already, I'm giving the whole "being foolishly compassionate" thing a shot.

-I'm still really big into Buddhism. It's wonderful!! This is the longest I've had a steady interest in something :]!

-Love is my current obsession

-I have a ton of ideas for tattoos. ONLY 2 MORE YEARS till those ideas can be put into action

-I've accepted the fact that I may be a tiny bit insane

-I've matured and calmed down quite a bit. But I'm still a complete and total spazz and laugh at the tiniest thing

-I like getting out of the house a bit more now. I'm finally possibly leaving the nest a tiny bit. It's a strange experience all in all.

I love my life! And I don't ever want to forget how much fun I'm having.
How much fun I'm going to be having for the rest of my life.
I never want to lose my spunk
and I know I've been scared that I'm going to mature and become dull for as long as I can remember
buuuut I really don't see that happening

Farrah has gotten me into this really amazing band :] I can't stop listening to them!

All you need is love :]

I believe that more and more each day.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Maybe this will get the point across.

I don't care who you are, what you believe in, if you agree with my morals,
what your past has consisted of, if you like the same music as me, or whatever else you could possibly think of.

I choose my friends/boyfriend because of what we have in common.
No matter what it may be
if being around you makes me happy, I'm hooked.

Be yourself!
I don't want to date or be friends with me. Diversity in the friend group is what keeps everything interesting.

Just whatever you do,
do not lie to me.
I cannot handle any more lies that I have to then find out the truth from other people. I don't know who to believe anymore. I don't know who actually has my back and who is just temporarily along for the ride.
Currently, I don't feel like I can trust anyone. And for those who know me very well, know that I'm usually open about everything because I have a lot of trust in EVERYONE.

Do not lie to me.
Don't lie to me.
Be honest with me.
Don't be fake.
Please, do not lie to me.
Please Please Please
Do. Not. Lie. To. Me.

I'm officially closing up to anyone I find has lied to me. I won't kick them out of my life completely (although it might be in my best interest)
but you most definitely will not get more than a "what's up?" from me.
I'm SOOOOOO sick of "he said, she said, that you did, but now you say you didn't. Are you saying that he is lying about what she said you said?"
Screw it.
I hate it, I'm over it.
Just stop. Please.


Sometimes other people use my words better than I ever could

"Laugh out loud. Cry in the rain. Love with all your heart and soul. Get hurt. Tell the truth. Go crazy. But never forget that you only get one shot. One shot at this day, one shot at this minute. One shot at this age. One shot at life. So make ...sure your life is one you will enjoy watching in your final moments"
-Anna Floyd

I really like this quote :]

it's the Art Feeds quote that I've been in love with for awhile
"Give Generously. Love Naively. Be Foolishly Compassionate. "

Everyone is all about being foolish and expecting to get hurt every now and then.
worth a shot. Being timid isn't getting me anywhere I want to be

Monday, September 21, 2009

My Dearest Sun,

How have you been lately?
I haven't heard from you in several days and I'm beginning to worry I'll never see you again. You have a terrible habit of running off without a single warning or set date of when you might return.
I don't think you realize how much I need you and miss you. It's hard to be with you 12 hours a day for weeks on end and then have you just vanish into thin air whenever you feel it appropriate.
I lose my spunk when your absence takes place. I just mope around from place to place like an empty shell of a person.
Rain does me no good. It just ruins my favorite shoes and undoes 30 minutes of hair prep in 2 seconds.
No one can replace you, Sun.
I need you to come back as soon as you can!
Please, at least give me some word on when I might see you again so I have something to hold onto.

Sincerely Yours,


Sunday, September 20, 2009


my to do list includes
smiling at everyone I pass
learning to open my heart and to trust others with it

this is the shortest my to do list has been in awhile
but it's quite possibly the most important

I'm a big ball of optimism

I am defined by my future

Being a teenager, the majority of my life is planned out
by my parents.
Be home by this time,
finish up your chores,
no going out till all of your homework is done,
you know you're not allowed to go there,
the ever famous not exactly liking some friend choices of mine (although that rarely ever happens and I end up agreeing with them after a short while).

Sure, for those of you who know my parents know that they're NO WHERE near as strict as 94% of other parents out there.
And that's not the point.
I love and respect my parents and never go against their wishes.
I'm terrified to leave my home and am not exactly counting down the days eagerly.

But my future plans are my own.
I choose when I come home (or rather, back to my apartment),
I choose what order I want tackle my responsibilities, etc.

I can't wait till my business in the primary thing in my life.
I can sew all the time and just work on by my own rules.
I want to travel all over the world
and be completely broke at least at one point.
I want to live each day on a completely random basis!
Sure, it may be silly and completely unrealistic, but that's how I choose to dream.

I want to change the lives on millions and
wake up smiling just because the sun is shining.

High school gives me no time for this.
It's homework, color guard, sleep, and family time.
I love my life just the way it is, but I'm excited for what tomorrow has in store for me.
I'm always more excited for tomorrow.

I'm stuck between terror and excitement.

I get bummed out when I lose sight of what the future has in store for me.
I get caught up in the silly, lame aspects of this town and let it bring me down.
Which is why I claim that my future defines me.

I want to be to the age where Blairsville becomes a remainder of my roots.
OH! And for those of you who don't know, I plan on getting the outline of Georgia with a heart over Blairsville on my right shoulder.
I honestly do love this place and plan to return here often.
But I'm young and anxious to know and fall in love with some other place.

Band of the month:


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Today is the day

I officially got out of the "rut" I've been in :]

I came out of this whole experience a little bit more irritable at everything than I'd like to be but I think it might be good as well.
I'm stronger against negative people and mean people...I just get irritated and walk away from people like that now.
Sure it bothers me for awhile
but the good
currently outweighs crappy people.

It's staying this way :]!

I got recruited by 23 colleges in the past 2 weeks. I'm sooo excited!

So bye negative people*
I'm surrounding myself with happiness and support.

*& for the record, I'm still open for talking to my friends about problems, of course! I like to help out with my friends and I don't take "negativity" as a temporary down or needing to talk about something. I hope everyone understands that.
I'm just so sick of people who have something bad to say about every one of my ideas, everyone around them, and themselves 24/7.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It's just how I am

I'm really old fashioned when it comes to relationships and stuff.
I believe boys should always make the first move. I believe they should respect me and hold doors open and offer to pay for things (although I always put up a fight and rarely let them, I still like to offer every now and then).
I believe that we should be a necessity to each other and not just a passing form of eye candy.

I don't initially go out of my way to impress boys. Well, on occasion I do but I don't like to.
I don't really find it being my place to impress them.

I've always heard boys don't like constantly having to make the first move
but, especially when we're not dating, I feel like they should.
I think I'll always feel that way.

Maybe I'm just spoiled in my visions of "love".
I've always had some pretty decent boyfriends. Ones that called me on a daily basis and usually went out their way for me.

I'm not sure the point of this post. I guess I just wanted to insure myself that my standards still exist and are still basically the same.

And as almost everyone knows, I'm really naive and new when it comes to the "typical" relationship stuff.
I blush at the slightest thing, I get really jittery and spazz out often, and I'm just all around bad at being the typical "cute girl".
Maybe that's also why I believe in the old fashioned way.

I am going through an obsession with love.
If it's love related, I'm interested.
Ohhh and because of my obsession, I'm finally interested in Switchfoot. Love Is The Movement is one of my current favorite songs.
Yep yep!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

a positive post!

and I feel as though I do have to label it as such because
I usually only blog when I'm feeling down.

I posted a blog somewhat like this the other day
but I just wanted to make it final
and well-known
that I'm off to try out a new mindset for awhile. The one I'm currently stuck in isn't working out too well.

Thank you to Stephuhknee and Skye for being there through all of my recent crappiness and helping me get myself back on track.
You guys have always and will always mean the world to me :]!

New mindset - day one

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I would like....

Please and thank you :]

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I do believe what I need

is a big ole cold glass of change :]!
Not change like the crappy silver stuff you throw in the bottom of your purse...
but uhm the other kind.

Looking at things through a new perspective sounds good right about now!
I'm not entirely sure what perspective I'm looking at things through right now so maybe change will be easy this time.

Spicing things up is how I roll :]!
Chopping my hair off already opened the door to a small style-change
but I think I might possibly take that further.

I'm in an awesome mood today :D!
*put a pin in it* BOOP! There is it.
Let's keep it this way :]

...I've heard they got their ! back.
viva la Panic! At the Disco

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Yes, I have a "wall"

my guard is up. my trust is limited and I'm paranoid toward every semi new person who is in my life.
Maybe my wall isn't even directed towards "people" just boys...

I've tried to explain it to some boys cause they ask why I am the way I am. But then they get bored halfway through cause it's a much too long explanation sooo I'm just going to write it hear and direct anyone who wants to know to this blog.
No more explaining after this.

My wall was built the beginning of my 8th grade year.
The year I got my first "serious" boyfriend. By serious I mean a boy I actually hung out with outside of school, talked to all the time, and went on "dates" with.
He is the boy I count as my first boyfriend.
He was the opposite of a good influence. He lied to me, fought with me all the time, probably cheated on me (I wouldn't put it past him), and all around manipulated me till I was just all around crappy and mean to everyone cause that's how he wanted me to be.
But hey, I was young, he was cute, and I wanted to impress him.
I changed a lot for that boy and let him into my thoughts and trusted him with my feelings.
Only to have them thrown right back into my face every chance he was given.
So I decided I didn't want to share my inner thoughts with boys anymore.
Most of my wall was built because of this boy.
I'm very timid around boys and I don't trust them fully very easily anymore.

As I was growing up (and still am, of course), I hung out with boys. A lot.
I always heard about how annoyed they were with those constantly flirty and clingy girls.
Naturally, I didn't want to be one of those girls because I enjoyed being "just one of the guys". I got used to every time I was girly and sensitive, I got made fun of by my guy friends.
So that's when I decided I didn't want to be flirty or clingy. It's also when I developed my stupid habit of using sarcasm as a tool to let a boy know I like him.

On top of that,
I've very independent. That's my personality. I don't really think about how my headstrong attitude is affecting some other people.
Which was the main reason I got tossed out of my most recent relationship.

I'm not calm enough to carry on a decent conversation.
I don't accept compliments very well.
I'm always very cautious that boys are just smooth talking me and don't mean anything they're saying.
I act silly so no one knows how weak and scared I truly am.

But in reality, I want my wall to go away.
I want to be the girl that boys actually look at as having interest in...not just the girl who is neat to hang out with sometimes.
I want a boy to have a crush on me for a change; without it just being only the other way around.

I mean, I don't want to become one of those fragile little girls who turn into the damsel in distress...but I'd like to have a tiny bit more of that thrown into my personality.
Just a little.

I like who I am;
I just don't like how closed in within myself I am.
I want to talk to boys about how I feel rather than just leaving them guessing and then getting bored and leaving.

I guess I'm currently just feeling sorry for myself. For multiple reasons.
I currently feel like I could do more and I could be different.
Could try a little harder.

I'm confused and sad and scared and I guess all around vulnerable.
Go ahead. Makes jokes and negative comments about how I can't manage to hold myself together.
That's currently how I want to be portrayed. I'm finally accepting help from people and I'm just hoping someone is actually there willing to help.

Thank you Dakota for my newest musical obsession :]
Your letter and mix tapes (I'll never get used to saying mixed CD)
made my day! Possibly even week!
I wrote your letter today and am currently working on cool knick knacks to clutter up your college desk

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Growing Up 101

I have never before felt like I do now.
Maturity has caught me.
I feel like I'm a bit less dependent on my parents.
Like I'm making my own choices and spending my own money
and going places spontaneously.

I haven't decided whether or not I like it though.

Sure, freedom is GREAT!
The feeling of being able to be independent and do what I want to do (to a certain extent, of course) is amazing.
But then again, I'm a bit of a coward. I don't want to leave the nest. I don't want to have so much freedom that my parents' choices get overshadowed.

I think I'm doing a good job, so far, of having a happy medium there.
It's just strange that finally the first half of freedom is coming into play.
I am having to make choices for college and pay for my own gas
and drive myself everywhere.
I'm friends with who I want and forgive who I want.

I'm just dipping my feet into a new puddle apparently.
Splashing around over here for awhile.

It's fun, but I'm quite cautious.
I'm worrying
and not making much sense. I just had to write this down so my brain was able to allow myself to finally get some sleep.
Being sick messes with my sleep schedule terribly.

As silly as it sounds...

I am pretty sure,
I have my heart set on you.
And it doesn't seem to be willing to change its mind anytime soon.

Nostalgia is a way of life

My current playlist includes
Taking Lottie Home
We Are Only Fiction
and The Alcoholic Freshman.

I miss the days that consisted of local shows,
meeting new people every weekend,
and just having fun going with the flow.

It's quite obvious now
that Dakota did, in fact, create an era for Blairsville.

I want those days back.
Back when no one cared and everyone was just happy sitting around listening to free music.

I guess everything becomes more and more complicated as we all "mature"
but I'd rather not accept it.

I guess I'm just stuck holding onto all those silly old memories
because that's where I feel safest.

Then again, I know one day,
I'll look back on the current times as being "the good ole days" too.

Guess you can never please me.

I want the era of local shows to come back, please.
I love musicians and silly people. And that was all my memories include.

I think I'm going to work with Skye to make those days come back.
Be the change you want to see in the world, yeah?

Sure thing.

As soon as my immune system kicks in again,
I'm going to get off my lazy butt
and get back to doing productive things.
I'm NOT fading into the background anymore. Sick of that too.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm not saying you win.

I'm not apologizing. I'm not saying I miss you or want you back.
Nothing like that.

I am merely publicly saying, you are right.
You weren't the ass in this situation, I was.
I accept that.
But it also makes me realize, I don't care about you.
I don't care if I hurt you or what I say to you.
I don't care if you don't like me or if I completely blow you off.

I apologize for leading you on
but that's all I regret.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

turn the whole damn state into a place the bible warned us about

(I'm pretty sure the lyrics are actually "plague" not "place" but place fit better for this topic)

I could talk about my feelings, beliefs, and views
till I'm blue in the face.
And I'm pretty sure where people pick up the conclusion that I'm intelligent.
But what it comes to book smarts...
When it comes to book smarts, I've got another thing coming.

I can't ramble on about things that serve no importance to me
and I can't make it sound like I do.
Sooo therefore, my creative writing suffers greatly.

I'm stressed.

I hate when it rains for days.
The clouds make it impossible to see past the mountains and then I get really claustrophobic feeling and forget that there is a world beyond those mountains.
It makes this place seem like it actually matters; by that I mean, all the tiny crappy parts about this town.

I just want out sometimes.

I have never felt this crappy on the second week of school.
I have never ALREADY felt like I'm way in over my head.
But this year, is different.

With all this talk about colleges and my future, I feel like I'm leaving tomorrow.
I don't even remember my first 2 years of high school. I wish I was still the scared freshman I used to be. But no...2 more years ahead of me till I'm on my own.
Free to make my own decisions and my own mistakes.
I'm excited, honestly! But my fear overwhelms me. I want to pitch a hissy fit and sit down in the middle of everything and refuse to move until I so please.
I'm not ready to start a new chapter in my life because I'm not done with this one.

Farrah and I are changing so much from each other.
Sure, we still have the same core values and stuff but she seems to be heading out into a new journey than me.
I know we'll always be best friends
but I don't want to do everything we had planned by myself.

2 years is 2 years.
Anything can happen in that time.
I'm just overwhelmed right now and am scared out of my mind.
I have seen my parents for a total of 40 minutes in the past week. And when I do get to see them, I'm in a terrible mood and not very un to be around.

I want to step back and take a deep breath,
but I don't have time for breathing right now.

Monday, August 17, 2009

It's the thing to do

I could be the poster child for
wanting what I can't have.

And I'm pretty sure what I can't have haunts me more than anything
and I completely forget about everything wonderful that I have right in front of me.

It's all I can think about,
the start of the majority of my conversations,
what I dream about,
and what I ponder on for quite awhile before I go to sleep.

It's so close
yet so far.
And sometimes, I think I have it, and then it manages to slip away from me yet again.

I don't know how to contain it.
I can't figure out why I can't have it.

It will haunt me until the day I succeed at achieving it.
But then again, knowing me, once I manage to get it, I will no longer want it.

Maybe it's remaining out of my reach merely so I have something to do.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Is some(thing)getting the best, the best, the best of you?

Sadly, negativity has.
And that's not me.
Not even close.
Every aspect of me has suffered because of negativity overtaking me.

But not anymore.

I'm doing an ole fashioned throwdown
and kicking all the bad stuff out of my life and locking the door.

I chose to go out on these limbs
and I took the risk of carelessly bouncing around on them...
till one day, they just broke.
But that's not going to prevent me from bounding up the tree all over again!

Bye negativity.
Bye negative people.
My mind is reopening. Beyond Blairsville, beyond nit-picky little insignificant problems, beyond silly people who feel bad about themselves and try to make me feel the same.

Goodbye to the previous month me.
You were just yet another bump in the road.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Down in the dumps; hitting the fan; spiraling downward

whatever negative connotation you'd like to use,
it'd probably fit me right now.

I have lost my inspiration.
I have lost my skill and passion.

I haven't created a single decent piece of clothing in the past month.
And I'm just completely burned out.
The things that used to inspire me just make me jealous now.

Beautiful works of art like these:

Compared to those, my work falls short...

I need a breath of fresh air.
I may be struggling cause I'm in such a rush to get something new done.

And hey,
if you've ever need motivation for cleaning out your closet of things that no longer fit,
here you go:
Starship (I) REALLY REALLY need fresh fabrics!
I'm broke...due to not selling anything
and if you'd be willing to donate old clothes of any kind, I'll give you a discount on a Starship order (that offer with never expire soo you can keep it valid until I design that piece you just HAVE to have!)
You help me out, I help you out.
Heck, I will even give you a discounted custom if you donate fabric to me.
Bring me trashbags full
or just one article.
I don't care, anything and everything is accepted and VERY appreciated!
It'd really help me get back on my feet if I had fresh, cute stuff to work with

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Honestly, I should be thanking you.

all of you.
The ones who took the time out of their day to spit a rude comment at me
or who lowered themselves to a level even dogs aren't comfortable on...just to let me know that you don't approve of me.

You guys have shaped me into the person I am.

I will keep my head high and my smile on.
I won't lower myself to the same level as you because I know nothing I could ever spit back will make you understand my ways.

So I will forever go on and pretend I can't hear you.
I will continue to jump around, be overly loud, and love what every second of what I do.
It's who I am; who I always will be.
Take it or leave it.

Because of you,
my skin is stronger, my ambitions are higher, and I have every intention of proving to you guys how much potential I have in me.
Little things don't get to me anymore.
I manage to push through and overcome.

I'm not bitter at the world...I'm not even bitter at people.
I'm a good person if you give me a chance and I'm sure, somewhere inside of you, you are too.

Just please, keep somewhere in the back of you head,
I am human too.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

There's probably pills for that.

My memory, of lack of one rather, is starting to be my downfall.

I keep getting in trouble because I can't remember things to save my life.
I'm not being lazy.
I'm just forgetful.
I'm not going out of my way to purposely make things harder on you.
I'm not a bad kid.
I'm not taking advantage of the things you do for me.
I'm not lazy or against going out of my way to do a little more.

I just simply forget.

Oh, by the way,

I'm better off without you.

Just another feeling sorry for myself blog

I warned you.
It's a lot like the Series of Unfortunate Events books.
I've given you warning in advance and if you continue on to read, it's your own fault.

For the past 3 weeks, I've been told on a daily basis my best isn't good enough.
Be it with color guard,
my sewing,
or just home stuff in general.

I can only convince myself so many times that everyone else is wrong
and what I'm doing is right.
There are only so many times that I can rise above not letting their words put me down.
So I apologize to those who have been around me...
I apologize to those I have freaked out on for no good reason.

I just am not taking criticism too well lately; not even constructive criticism.
I'm not asking for a pat on the back and for people to be around the bush with me.
I'm just saying and justifying why I feel like I do recently.

Yeahh I'm just feeling sorry for myself
and will hopefully soon perk up and get over it (I always do. This time is no different)

Maybe I should see this as a drive to work even harder.
I'm just exhausted though...I have nothing left to give.
Maybe it's about time my body finds some stored up energy hidden somewhere.

I think I lost my point.

Friday, August 7, 2009

It's a requirement for girls.

that they have a perfectly planned out paragraph or two about their "ideal boy".
Or at least, people seem to think it's a requirement...I get asked weekly what I look for in a boy
and it's just "not acceptable" that I'm not completely sure.
So here goes:

I want a boy with confidence and charm.
Ambition and talent.
I want a boy who is my best friend and I can tell ANYTHING to.
He also has to have good people skills so that he can get along with my friends and family!

I want someone who is real with me; honest. Not someone who will shower me in compliments all the time.
But I also don't want a jerk who doesn't even act like he likes me.
A happy medium maybe?

I want a boy who will go out of his way for me when I do so for him.

I don't care about boys that much.
I want one to be nice and cute to me but it's not a necessity for me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Taking someone's advice

is abnormal for me.
I'm going to go with Steph's idea
of making a clean start.
School starts tomorrow and I'm officially an upperclassman

So, now would be a good time to wipe my slate clean of everything
good and bad.

I'm so excited to see what new adventures I get into now that I have the ability to drive :]!
I already have a cute place to do homework so maybe that'll actually encourage me to get stuff done.
I'm sick of being told that I could be doing more
or that my whole heart isn't in something.
From now on, everything I do, will have my whole heart in it too.

My slate is clean.
Hi, my name is Bri and I'm excited :]

Monday, August 3, 2009

I have yet to conclude...

whether or not I'm happier
with or without you.

On one hand,
the history we've had in the past almost-year, has been awesome!
I've experienced more and been through more with you
in this short amount of time than I have with most.
We've had our ups and downs and we're most definitely infamous
for our downs.
But hey, that doesn't mean we can't bring things back up.
You're the only person that will actually take the time to calm me down whenever I call you up at any hour in the night, crying my eyes out over some silly nightmare I've had.
And I adore that side of you. I adore the side of you I knew for like 6 months; the side of you that became my other half for a short while.

And on the other hand,
you've become everything you once hated.
You were never the weight-lifting hot shot you think you are now. You never referred to girls as "hot" and you actually held some sincerity in your voice.
You didn't go out of your way to make sure I was jealous and you actually made sure not to do the things that I specifically told you bother me.
You're completely alone. You've changed every piece of yourself just so a group of "friends" will accept you.
Hopefully, one day you'll actually see what everyone else already does see.

I was willing to let you back in my life. For the third time.
I still am.
Going against everyone's best advice is just what I do.
I was hoping I'd get to see the person you used to be again because now I could really use him.

You say you want me back in your life; as a friend.
I'm cool with that.
But I'm sick of being put on the back burner just because your new found attitude makes you think you can do that.
You care just slightly enough to keep me around.
I'm sick of boys like you and I hate that you're now a boy like that.

Completely unrelated but I sat down next to a cricket today without knowing it. It hopped and I about had a heart attack! Just saying.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Everything on my mind. In list form.

I miss having a true to the core, hardcore boyfriend. It was cool having someone at the opposite end of the spectrum from me who could teach me about new stuff.

I really don't understand why I thought I looked good in middle school. Looking back, I know why people made fun of me. Although, I still don't consider them justified.

I agree strongly with a Postsecret I saw the other day. I am incredibly terrified I don't have the ambition to reach my dreams.
That I'm trying very hard to overcome.

It's really hard to find a boy that isn't completely dull that also isn't like "ZOMG I'M SO RANDOM...FRYING PAN, PUMPKIN PIE! Don't you just LOVE being random?!"
I would kill to find a happy medium in there somewhere.

I'm almost completely over my ex. And by him coming back into my life, it's helped me realize this

I would really like to take on the challenge of being healthy. I've heard it makes you feel like 20 times better about everything!
My body has been mad at my lately, so I figured it'd be nice of me to do it a favor for once.

I waste far too much time.

My favorite type of compliment is "Of course....You're Bri Isbell"

I love random calls from Christian.

Color guard is going to the death of me but I still love it.

I can't drive & I hate driving! I get distracted way too easily while driving.

Hmmmmm that's kinda all that's on my mind.
I mean, there's probably more but that's just the stuff that's been lingering around for awhile.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The flaws of people.

are never-ending.
please, don't take for granted the fact that I'm "always there".
I go out of my way all of the time to prove to people
that I care for them.
But, of course, then they can't even be bothered to reply to my text or possibly say "hi" to me first for once.

I know I'm making a mountain out of an...ant hill?
I don't know that saying
but I know this isn't a big deal at all.

But right now, all I want is for someone to go out of their way to see me
or to be there when I just need someone to talk to.
For once, I want someone to be as interested in me as I am in them.
Oh, by the way, this whole blog is dedicated to complaining about boys. I have plenty of girl friends who are always there for me.

I miss not having to explain myself.
I want someone to take the time to learn me inside and out.

I'm so irritated. I dislike humans all over right now.
I just need a hug and to go to sleep.

Friday, July 24, 2009

never say never.

don't shout it either.

I'm sick of saying "someday I'll do this..."
"I promise I'll become this..."
"One day, I'll show you all when..."
I want to do it now, I want to become now, I want to show you all my full potential now.

My mind works faster than I can.
and those of you who have been around me this summer, know that I haven't sat still for more than a minute.
I want do more! I want to reach my dreams now!
I don't want to wait
but I'm doing everything I can and I still feel like I'm paddling upstream.
I am 100% worn out.
I'm constantly tripping over my mind and my body just wants to stop and catch its breath but my mind is just getting started.

I think right now I really would like a relationship.
I miss the security of one. The whole having someone who is there to call "mine"
that I can call up at 4 in the morning because I've had a bad dream.
I miss having somewhere there who will listen for hours about some crazy idea I came up with.
I'm ready to dive head first into a relationship for the first time ever.
My previous one opened my eyes up to a lot and I do admit, I could of done more.
In that sense, I mean I could of put more effort into the relationship itself.
I'm not by any means one of those girls who is like "eehhhh I need a boyfriend!"
I'm just saying, if a boy who struck up my interest came along, I wouldn't mind pursuing the idea.

I need a right hand man.
My creativity thrives when I have someone to spill my heart to.
Be my muse, please :]!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You know I love you.

Everyone has a giant write up about how wonderfully amazing their friends are and I don't think that I do.
So here, my dear friends, this is for you.

For those of you who have been in my life for several years:
I've grown up with you guys in this tiny town and somehow, we've managed to become so different from each other.
Over the years, we've had our times when we drift apart from each other and other times when each other is all we have to rely on .
You guys have all had such a major and positive impact on my life and the direction I'm heading right now.
I can never thank you guys enough for your infinite support and endless nights of listening to me cry over who knows what.
We're stuck with each other with the next 2 years, there isn't any denying that.
After that, I hope I still keep you amazing people in my life.

For those of who who I have just recently met:
There is 3 of you, actually.
Skye, Josh, and Jonathan.
I met you guys at some an amazing time in my life and you haven't failed at keeping it just as amazing.
You've inspired me so much in the little time that I've known you. You're all amazing people with even more amazing minds. I love your creativity and spunk and your joy of just living.
You guys are directing me down a new path that I probably wouldn't of ever had the courage to travel on my own.
Skye especially. You're a strong, creative person who I've been overjoyed to get the chance to finally know!
When we put our minds together, amazing things come to be. Things the whole world can see (SUMMERFEST!)
I hope you never venture far from me because you've become the other half of my brain.
I can trust you with everything and that's really rare to find these days.
Heck, people like you in general are hard to find these days.
I could write an entire love letter to you, ma'am.
And I totally will someday when I'm not distracted by pretty tattooed ladies.

I love each and everyone one of you.
I love everything you bring into my life!
You guys are my friends through thick and thin and nothing is ever going to change that :]!
If you ever need me, be it day or night,
you guys are all permitted to call me!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

This isn't an art, it's a trend

Which, in my opinion, art should never become.

I mean,
I understand we all love art and all want to express ourselves,
but not when your art looks exactly like someone else's...
*clearsthroat* mine.

No one steals my thunder;
I'm taking over this town and turning it upside down.
Me, Starship Clothing.

I may be a tiny bit jealous,
I may be a tiny bit mad.
I don't know what emotion I have right now.

I see this as a new drive to work twice as hard.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I'm starting a revolution.

and it will be made of kids who have ever felt alone
or like they weren't good enough for someone
or have had to change themselves in even the tiniest aspect to keep a friend around.

Will be a revolution
in which everyone is good enough for everyone
and we can all just talk out our problems and be true friends to each other.

I'm just as guilty as the next person of talking behind someone's back.
But I'm also a victim of not being good enough to be someone's friend.

we're drawn to people who we have similar interests to, but why does that mean we
have to constantly patronize those who we don't have similar interests to?
We can at least be civil to each other and not go out of our ways to leave people out of our plans.

My revolution,
will be filled with kids who smile at everyone they pass
and will lend a helping hand to a perfect stranger.
We will be the kids who will befriend the "loser" of the school,
and show everyone their inner beauty.

Myself, I want to become part of the revolution.
And since we're supposed to be the change we want to see in the world,
I'm going to work toward actually keeping my word.
There is no need to down-talk someone just because I don't agree with their actions or their beliefs.

In my revolution,
we will be the kids who don't mind that I'm living in a fantasy world.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

August 1, 2007

Everyone always talks about finding their "soul mate"
and how everyone has someone they're destined to be with.
How are we supposed to ensure we don't accidentally pass that person by?
How do we know that we didn't look the other way when we passed them on the street
or were at home sick when we got invited to some party that we would meet at?

Everyone says you're just supposed to hope or that you're drawn to meet them by fate.
But hope isn't good enough for me.

What if your soul mate is a few years too old for you
or has eyes for someone else
or think you're out of his league
or just isn't interested in something long term?
what if your soul gets in a fatal accident before you ever get a chance to meet them?

then what...?
are we just supposed to wait around for that person to come forever
or settle for something less?

I, for one, would like something a bit more stable to hope on.
I'm pretty determined to find my soul mate someday cause I don't want to just settle for meritocracy.

And I think, half subconsciously,
we all have hopes to become famous so that we have a better chance of our soul mates to take notice of us ^-^
I know that sounds like a pretty appealing fantasy to me.

I wish a neon sign went off overhead when you walked pass them
or when you met them.

I'm sixteen. I know I'm probably far from meeting my soul mate..
I just like to think about things

Monday, July 6, 2009


everyone goes through phases
and everyone knows they do.
I realized a minute ago, I seem to be embarking into
a new phase.
So why not post a blog about it?
I mean, I do every time I feel like rekindling my love with peace and serenity.

I'm still lazy and still procrastinating on my homework.
I have wasted the past 2 hours listening to indie bands that are all good, but are also all starting to sound the same.

The other day, I got called up by a person who used to mean a lot to me;
a person I wish still did mean a lot to me.
He told me that I seem to have turned my back on everything and I have a certain "hardness" to me now.
Nothing had been making sense to me lately but that comment turned everything around in my mind.
I realized I had.
I didn't care about what I said or if I kept in contact with friends.
And I no longer smiled just because the sun was shining.

So, yet again,
I wanted to change my mindset.
Because obviously...it needed to be changed.

I realized that before March/April,
I didn't know actual hatred. I had never shook from anger before.
No one had ever betrayed me so badly that I couldn't even think of words to describe them.
And once hate had entered my mind at all, I did become a bit harder and a bit stronger.
I did get in my mind that I didn't need anyone else and I was just going to get hurt again if I let anyone into my thoughts.

Maybe the outside of me wasn't as extreme
as the inside of me felt...
but apparently, the person who commented on my hardness, was a person who knew me inside and out.

I wonder what it'd be like to be happy with everything; make due with what I have; do kind deeds just because; smile the second I wake up; love everyone and everything.
I know it's possible cause I've seen it done before.
My friend Skye seems to of accomplished this.
And part of my new "phase" I feel like I'm going into is because of her.
I think she's magnificent!
And I'm not just saying that because I have a feeling she'll read this, it's the truth.

I think people get so caught up in the 21st century hustle, they forget to just breath sometimes.

and I just noticed, I wrote this blog trying to sound like Kylewilliam's song In Limbo Where Your Secrets Are Safe With Me
cause I just listened to it and I thought it was a really awesome song/speech thing.

My mind is spinning and my thoughts haven't settled yet.
If this didn't make sense, please don't point it out to me.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Might I just say...

and even if I might not, I will anyway.

I wish people would use their heads.
You are not in love after knowing someone for a week;
it's called lust.
Nothing more.

I hate this sex obsessed generation.
I hate brainless people in general.

That's not why I'm here posting this blog.
Being in Ohio, I've had to explain my morals a trillion times
and pretty much everyone who I've talked to abou them have said they're dumb.
I expect that and whatever your opinions are,
you're welcome to have them!

I'm sick of explaining them
and forcing people to respect them.

I'm pretty sure I've decided (and it may be just because of how angry I am about people right now that I think this)
but the only guys worth getting "close" to
are the ones who I don't have to explain my morals and boundarie to.
A guy who doesn't even need to know about my purity ring;
one who just generally respects girls
and doesn't have to "learn to accept" my beliefs.

I don't know.
I'm mad, I'm going outside.
3 more days in Ohio...or is it 4?
I don't remember now.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Upcoming Events :]!

Being away from home,
my brain has finally settled down
and produced some amazing design ideas!

So when I come home,
I'm FINALLY going to create guy's shirts! I know now what I want
to do with them and how to make the Starship style look boyish
It's gonna be grand, I promise you.
Ohh and I'm going to buy an old plain bookbag
and make it into a monster bag!
I'll probably make mine, then take a picture of it
and make em for others if mine goes over well!

I'm excited!
I don't know if you are, but you should be!

I'm coming home in 5 days :]]!

Ohhh and this is my school schedule!

A Day:
Spanish - Day
Pottery 2 - Marsh
Us History - Denmon
Colorguard - Rittenhouse

B Day:
Computer Apps - Bradley
Human Anatomy - Rich
Enligh 3 - Batchelor
Geometry - Ardnt

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

leaving home to find it again.

I always talk about leaving Blairsville
and traveling and meeting new kids and what not...
but now that that opportunity is 2 days away from becoming a reality,
I'm freaking out!!!

Oh and on top of my emotions currently being 100% out of whack,
it's storming.
I'm relatively scared outta my mind with storms.
It's a nice scared though...kinda like a roller coaster.
You're dreading it, but it's kind of exhilarating.

Anyway, back to original thoughts.
For those of you who don't know what's going down, I'm leaving for Ohio
on Saturday to spend 2 weeks with my sister, my brother in law, my nieces, and my nephew.
My sister is...40 something.
And my nieces are 17 (6 months older than me), 14, annnnnd uhm I don't know how old the youngest one is.
Point being, it's going to different and eventful and I know I'm going to have fun but I'm currently psyching myself out.

I'm flying alone
and am going to be away from home, without my mom or dad for 2 weeks.
It's weird. I feel like a baby bird that is being knocked outta the nest and hasta think fast before hitting the ground.
Although, I know my nest will still be nestled right here when I come back.

I'm hoping Josh and I will be able to see each other once or twice.
SOMEONE from home with me will make my heart beat a bit slower.
(and for once, that'd be a good thing)

Bye comfort zone.
I'm ready,
but scared.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


...or whatever it is people yell when they want something to stop.

Oh summer, summertime.
Bittersweet to the maxxxx!
Everyone's emotions run wild because we no longer have school and homework to distract us from our angst.

Everything is changing currently.
Some for the better on the surface,
some for the worse if you take the time to dwell on it.

On the surface,
my mind is finally free and I'm having loads of fun.
Probably bit too much fun on the account that I'm usually just by myself. But hey, I'm pretty happy floating around in my head all day and just going with the flow.
I've made some new friends; Skye and Josh :]]!
And reconnected with David.
I've also gotten into some awesome new music and become obsessed with Mitchel Musso <333

However, when I think about things,
the outcome is not so great.
I feel very incredibly distant from my old friends. Except for Carley because she volunteers with me so I always see her, luckily :]!
But as for Steph and Farrah...I miss them so much!
I complained to Steph today about missing her and Farrah. I went to see Farrah today but something doesn't feel right. I don't know.
I'm probably being paranoid
but I feel very disconnected and lonely when I think about how much time I am spending by myself
and with new kids in my life.

I can tell the world is shifting in some sense.
I can't pinpoint it, of course. Cause that's not my place at all.
I know things will work themselves out and I'm just being a paranoid kid
but hey, this is how I feel now
and I just want my friends back. PLEASE!

Oh & Matt and Kim are the cutest people in the entire world :]!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The summer has just begun :]

and it's already been proving to be quite awesome!

Sadly, I haven't seen much of
the kids I hung out at school with.
(I use that wordage because I haven't seen them outside of school since it's been summertime)
Stephuhknee, Farrah, Carley (although I saw her a bit before she left for Myrtle) Taylor, Hersh, Mary, etc.
I miss you all a lot :[[[!!

On the brightside, I've been getting close to other kids :D!
Such as Skye. Well, I guess Skye is about the only one. Haha
She's made my summer thus far pretty dang amazing!
I love discovering new awesome kids in B-Ville :]]!

My summer has consisted of using my license to drive back and forth from home to Bville
once or twice a week for work.
My volunteer job that is ^-^
I've been volunteering at this place called Castaway Critters and LOVING every second of it :DD!

*Everybody say "HI CAITLIN!" she's my favorite :]]!

Tonight was the first night I've used my driving ability to actually just go hang out.
Whiiiich I went to see Up with Skye and Lisa :]!
Such a sad movie! Although some parts I did laugh my butt off. Haha
I love bipolar movies :]!

Although I haven't done much,
my summer has started off amazingly!
I'm leaving for Carowinds with my family sometime next week.
And 9 days from now, I'm embarking on my trip to Ohio.
My first solo trip. I'm excited and overwhelmed with nerves already

Side note: I love how when you're becoming new friends with people, you're kind of like obsessed with each other. Especially when you're both into becoming friends quickly. It's fun :]!
I was just thinking about it siiiince the majority of my summer I've spent with my new friend!

A bad explanation isn't an explanation at all

Go ahead,
throw your words at me. Throw your vicious thoughts that
your miserable self just can't hold back anymore.

I mean,
when someone tries to define the word originality and explain reasons of how I don't really fit.
Goooood, bad explanations aren't worthy explanations at all.
I ran across your mind and that's enough to make my day.
You took time out of YOUR day to attempt to ruin mine.
And now, I take time out of mine to blog...cause that's how I fix my problems.
I mean, I'm sure that's what EVERYONE does.

I don't parade around screaming "OMG LOOK HOW ORIGINAL I AM".
I don't have the coolest hair, buy the newest trended clothes, or try to keep up with anyone.
I'm Bri. And I'm incredibly happy being how I am.
Even if that does seem to be borrowing a few bits and pieces from others.

I don't do what I do to impress anyone.
But then again, if I manage to along the way, GOOD! all the better.
I have fun and yes, maybe I'm not as mature as you may think I am.

I'm a good person and I'm not trying to come off like some
huge jerk who is thinks no one can mess with me.
I just dont want people to get the wrong impression of me.

I'm not trying to be anything...the way I go about things are the things that make me happy.
Don't like it, okay then..so be it!
We all have different walks of life and different paths we're going to take.

I will not convert my mind to your ways of thinking (as I've recently had suggested to me).
Who knows who I will become in future years. This is who I am right now
and no one is justified to tell me otherwise.

And to the person who directly pissed me off;
I hope you find comfort in your scholarly vocabulary
and the 9-5 job your "adult" self will soon settle into.
Good riddance, douchebag.