Saturday, February 27, 2010

let's just all live for right now

Because right now, I'm completely unsure of what it is I want
but I can feel, in the pit of my stomach, that there is something I am missing.

Right now, I am also completely overwhelmed.
School work has, yet again, taken me over.
I know I've complained about this before but then things settled down and now it's back with a vengeance.
Even if the thing that I feel as though I'm missing was to walk up and slap me in the face, I'm sure I'd be too busy to notice it.

Right now, I am completely broke.
But I'm hopefully starting a new job tomorrow that will help me rake in some money.
For a little while at least.
Otherwise, I'm going to be walking to school...

Right now, I feel myself falling over someone no one agrees with
and I myself know is probably not the greatest guy I could associate myself with.
But the in the same pit of my stomach that makes me feel like I'm missing something, it has also made me see something amazing about that kid.

Right now, I can't walk by a mirror without smiling at myself.
I know it's very shallow for the mere color of my hair to determine how I feel about myself but right now, I couldn't care less. I feel beautiful again and it's a very nice self esteem boost.

Right now, as I'm re-reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I'm committing to memory the little sayings that I enjoy. I think I might add a quote from that novel to the list of possible someday tattoos.

Right now, I am very sleepy and at peace with everything. This past week I've been working towards smiling at the two enemies I've managed to create. I am not a fan of the negativity I feel toward those people and I am working on ridding of it.

Right now, I am listening to Imogen Heap and hopefully so will you.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Dear Self,

slooooooow dooooown!
you talk way too fast, think way too fast, walk way too fast, get bored way too fast, love way too fast, assume way too fast, give up way too fast, decide way too fast, read way too fast, etc.
chill out.
it's pretty bad when you begin to annoy yourself with your habits.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

ohhh Sunshine, my love.

How I have missed you so terribly!
I'm becoming more and more excited with the thought that maybe now, or maybe in just a few more weeks, you'll be here to stay for a few months!

I really really really really want to go bike riding right now.
I'm trying to convince Joshua to come over with his bike since he doesn't have anywhere to be until like 6 or so.

I want this bike:

with this helmet:

they have both of them at WalMart :D!
Something to save money for? I'd say so!

I'm so happy and excited today :D!

Friday, February 19, 2010

it's been one of those weeks

I was out of my groove all week...
I'm just going to blame the snow days for throwing my mind and schedule all out of proportion
and making me feel like poo.
Let's blame the cold weather too cause today, it was slightly warmer and I felt goooood!
At least until I slipped in some left over ice, got it in my shoe, and my cold feet made the rest of me cold.

I've just been in one of those hoodie and comfty pants moods all day.
I want a really good movie, a fire, and to cuddle up with someone I like a whole lot.
That's all I really want right now

ohhh well.
The end of the week is almost upon us!
The dawning of a new day is almost upon us!

This blog was originally going to be longer
but I'm having a kick-butt conversation with this partial stranger
soooo I'm going to go back to that.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

so I just found out...

that like 5 other people have imadethismistake tattoos.
I was, obviously, unaware.
Let. Down.

I'm having an ugly day
but, on the plus side, I think I may finally understand what's going on in geometry!
And I checked Catcher In the Rye out of the library today. I've heard it's going to depress the heck out of me so I may not finish it.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I despise

when someone means more to me than I do to them.

Friday, February 12, 2010

We Are More.

(I have this bad habit of losing links to cool things and completely forgetting about them so I'll store this poem in my blog so I can re-read it again and again whenever I feel like it. And if you didn't see the Olympic ceremony, well, you can read it too!)

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada
you might list some statistics
you might mention our tallest building
or biggest lake
you might shake a tree in the fall
and call a red leaf Canada
you might rattle off some celebrities
might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
might even mention the fact that we've got a few
Barenaked Ladies
or that we made these crazy things
like zippers
electric cars
and washing machines
when defining Canada
it seems the world's anthem has been
" been there done that"
and maybe that's where we used to be at
it's true
we've done and we've been
we've seen
all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
and turned into theme parks
but when defining Canada
don't forget to mention that we have set sparks
we are not just fishing stories
about the one that got away
we do more than sit around and say "eh?"
and yes
we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
who inspired little number nines
and little number ninety-nines
but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
and some say what defines us
is something as simple as please and thank you
and as for you're welcome
well we say that too
but we are more
than genteel or civilized
we are an idea in the process
of being realized
we are young
we are cultures strung together
then woven into a tapestry
and the design
is what makes us more
than the sum total of our history
we are an experiment going right for a change
with influences that range from a to zed
and yes we say zed instead of zee
we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy
we dream so big that there are those
who would call our ambition an industry
because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow
we do more than grow wheat and brew beer
we are vineyards of good year after good year
we reforest what we clear
because we believe in generations beyond our own
knowing now that so many of us
have grown past what used to be
we can stand here today
filled with all the hope people have
when they say things like "someday"
someday we'll be great
someday we'll be this
or that
someday we'll be at a point
when someday was yesterday
and all of our aspirations will pay the way
for those who on that day
look towards tomorrow
and still they say someday
we will reach the goals we set
and we will get interest on our inspiration
because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks
more than backpacks and hiking trails
we are hammers and nails building bridges
towards those who are willing to walk across
we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss
we are not the see-through gloss or glamour
of those who clamour for the failings of others
we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers
uncles and nephews aunts and nieces
we are cousins
we are found missing puzzle pieces
we are families with room at the table for newcomers
we are more than summers and winters
more than on and off seasons
we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay
because we are more than what we say or do
we live to get past what we go through
and learn who we are
we are students
students who study the studiousness of studying
so we know what as well as why
we don't have all the answers but we try
and the effort is what makes us more we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for
so keep exploring
go far and wide
or go inside but go deep
go deep
as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss
and suddenly there was this location scout
trying to figure some way out
to get inside you
because you've been through hell and high water
and you went deep
keep exploring
because we are more
than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
we are more than hills to ski
or countryside ponds to skate
we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes
a country that is all the ways you choose to live
a land that can give you variety
because we are choices
we are millions upon millions of voices shouting
" keep exploring... we are more"
we are the surprise the world has in store for you
it's true
Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"
so don't say "been there done that"
unless you've sat on the sidewalk
while chalk artists draw still lifes
on the concrete of a kid in the street
beatboxing to Neil Young for fun
don't say you've been there done that
unless you've been here doing it
let this country be your first-aid kit
for all the times you get sick of the same old same old
let us be the story told to your friends
and when that story ends
leave chapters for the next time you'll come back
next time pack for all the things
you didn't pack for the first time
but don't let your luggage define your travels
each life unravels differently
and experiences are what make up
the colours of our tapestry
we are the true north
strong and free
and what's more
is that we didn't just say it
we made it be.

So I'm currently sitting in my anatomy class waiting for the bell to go home rings.
We're going home early yet again today due to the fear of a snowstorm heading this way.
I think Mikey was right... I'm never going to have to go to school again.

Maybe the snow days have made me feel like I do or possibly the fact that spring 2011 is slowly creeping up on me so now I just feel ready to leave this place.
Whatever the reasoning may be, I've gotten to feeling as though everything is only a temporary state. Like nothing truly matters right now because it will all go away soon enough.

Some boy has taken it upon himself to get in front of the class and enternain us with a fast food story.
Thank you, boy.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

she wore a rasberry beret

so today, I went thrifting after school with my BFF STEPH and got a super cute multi-colored sweater and some new sunglasses since my aviators were falling apart.
I love her and thrift stores.
Speically when you put the two together!

My day was kinda heading downhill cause for the first time ever, I am sincerely annoyed by a very close friend of mine.
Selfishness does not sit very well with me for the record.

When I got home, I got a call from some modeling agency in Atlanta.
They were really interested in meeting me and asked me all sorts of questions about what I do and such
and the end result was they were really impressed by me and "love my energy".
Pffft whatever. I know you're paid to raise my self esteem but thank you, regardless.
I think I might go look into it and see if I can pass the audition.
Just kinda as one of those personal challenge things.
It would be nice to know that I have the option to be a model if I ever wanted to.

I have a lot of homework to get done so I guess I'll go get on that.
Chromeo is still stuck in my head.
2-step 2-step 2-step


Monday, February 8, 2010


I need money.
$200 for a serger
$2,850 for summer film institute
However much registration for the SAT is
and however much this book is

I need to remember to register SOON!

Oh and to my father, I really do apologize that you've been cursed with such a terrible, irresponsible, ungrateful, strange, lazy, stupid daughter.
I mean, I really am sorry.
Absolutely nooooo sarcasm intended.


today, I just woke up in an amazing mood
and the day didn't disappoint me at all :D!
I love days when everyone around me is in an equally good mood!
It's nice.

I've come to the conclusion that real happiness comes from the present.
Even if it's in the tiniest form and you really have to search for it - it's always there.
And if more people lived for the right now, everyone would be so much better off.
Sure, the past is full of mistakes and the future is full of unknown surprises
but right now if for certain and it's all that we can ever be sure of really.

I'm happy.
This is the happiest I've been in a few days so it's nice (:
I don't understand geometry though so I'm going to go consult my Youtube teacher
and bash my head on some desks.

Sooo long!

Monday, February 1, 2010


meditation is something I really need to get the hang of.
My mind is cluttered with useless tension towards everyone and everything
and I'm falling into teenage angst.

I'm sick of myself.
Sick of the negative person I have allowed myself to become.
The person who gets annoyed with everything and wants to know every piece of juicy info that's on the "DL of the school hallways."

This is getting in the way of my art
and me feeling truly accepting of myself.

Half the time, I want myself to shut up because I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
I flinch with embarrassment when I just said something I know was completely stupid.

road to renewal - take 386 - step 1
...I've been down this road so many times before.
I don't understand why once I get myself "fixed", I let myself go back to this way.
Maybe no one else has noticed but I'm bothering myself and I want change.