Sunday, August 30, 2009

Growing Up 101

I have never before felt like I do now.
Maturity has caught me.
I feel like I'm a bit less dependent on my parents.
Like I'm making my own choices and spending my own money
and going places spontaneously.

I haven't decided whether or not I like it though.

Sure, freedom is GREAT!
The feeling of being able to be independent and do what I want to do (to a certain extent, of course) is amazing.
But then again, I'm a bit of a coward. I don't want to leave the nest. I don't want to have so much freedom that my parents' choices get overshadowed.

I think I'm doing a good job, so far, of having a happy medium there.
It's just strange that finally the first half of freedom is coming into play.
I am having to make choices for college and pay for my own gas
and drive myself everywhere.
I'm friends with who I want and forgive who I want.

I'm just dipping my feet into a new puddle apparently.
Splashing around over here for awhile.

It's fun, but I'm quite cautious.
I'm worrying
and not making much sense. I just had to write this down so my brain was able to allow myself to finally get some sleep.
Being sick messes with my sleep schedule terribly.

As silly as it sounds...

I am pretty sure,
I have my heart set on you.
And it doesn't seem to be willing to change its mind anytime soon.

Nostalgia is a way of life

My current playlist includes
Taking Lottie Home
We Are Only Fiction
and The Alcoholic Freshman.

I miss the days that consisted of local shows,
meeting new people every weekend,
and just having fun going with the flow.

It's quite obvious now
that Dakota did, in fact, create an era for Blairsville.

I want those days back.
Back when no one cared and everyone was just happy sitting around listening to free music.

I guess everything becomes more and more complicated as we all "mature"
but I'd rather not accept it.

I guess I'm just stuck holding onto all those silly old memories
because that's where I feel safest.

Then again, I know one day,
I'll look back on the current times as being "the good ole days" too.

Guess you can never please me.

I want the era of local shows to come back, please.
I love musicians and silly people. And that was all my memories include.

I think I'm going to work with Skye to make those days come back.
Be the change you want to see in the world, yeah?

Sure thing.

As soon as my immune system kicks in again,
I'm going to get off my lazy butt
and get back to doing productive things.
I'm NOT fading into the background anymore. Sick of that too.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm not saying you win.

I'm not apologizing. I'm not saying I miss you or want you back.
Nothing like that.

I am merely publicly saying, you are right.
You weren't the ass in this situation, I was.
I accept that.
But it also makes me realize, I don't care about you.
I don't care if I hurt you or what I say to you.
I don't care if you don't like me or if I completely blow you off.

I apologize for leading you on
but that's all I regret.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

turn the whole damn state into a place the bible warned us about

(I'm pretty sure the lyrics are actually "plague" not "place" but place fit better for this topic)

I could talk about my feelings, beliefs, and views
till I'm blue in the face.
And I'm pretty sure where people pick up the conclusion that I'm intelligent.
But what it comes to book smarts...
When it comes to book smarts, I've got another thing coming.

I can't ramble on about things that serve no importance to me
and I can't make it sound like I do.
Sooo therefore, my creative writing suffers greatly.

I'm stressed.

I hate when it rains for days.
The clouds make it impossible to see past the mountains and then I get really claustrophobic feeling and forget that there is a world beyond those mountains.
It makes this place seem like it actually matters; by that I mean, all the tiny crappy parts about this town.

I just want out sometimes.

I have never felt this crappy on the second week of school.
I have never ALREADY felt like I'm way in over my head.
But this year, is different.

With all this talk about colleges and my future, I feel like I'm leaving tomorrow.
I don't even remember my first 2 years of high school. I wish I was still the scared freshman I used to be. But no...2 more years ahead of me till I'm on my own.
Free to make my own decisions and my own mistakes.
I'm excited, honestly! But my fear overwhelms me. I want to pitch a hissy fit and sit down in the middle of everything and refuse to move until I so please.
I'm not ready to start a new chapter in my life because I'm not done with this one.

Farrah and I are changing so much from each other.
Sure, we still have the same core values and stuff but she seems to be heading out into a new journey than me.
I know we'll always be best friends
but I don't want to do everything we had planned by myself.

2 years is 2 years.
Anything can happen in that time.
I'm just overwhelmed right now and am scared out of my mind.
I have seen my parents for a total of 40 minutes in the past week. And when I do get to see them, I'm in a terrible mood and not very un to be around.

I want to step back and take a deep breath,
but I don't have time for breathing right now.

Monday, August 17, 2009

It's the thing to do

I could be the poster child for
wanting what I can't have.

And I'm pretty sure what I can't have haunts me more than anything
and I completely forget about everything wonderful that I have right in front of me.

It's all I can think about,
the start of the majority of my conversations,
what I dream about,
and what I ponder on for quite awhile before I go to sleep.

It's so close
yet so far.
And sometimes, I think I have it, and then it manages to slip away from me yet again.

I don't know how to contain it.
I can't figure out why I can't have it.

It will haunt me until the day I succeed at achieving it.
But then again, knowing me, once I manage to get it, I will no longer want it.

Maybe it's remaining out of my reach merely so I have something to do.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Is some(thing)getting the best, the best, the best of you?

Sadly, negativity has.
And that's not me.
Not even close.
Every aspect of me has suffered because of negativity overtaking me.

But not anymore.

I'm doing an ole fashioned throwdown
and kicking all the bad stuff out of my life and locking the door.

I chose to go out on these limbs
and I took the risk of carelessly bouncing around on them...
till one day, they just broke.
But that's not going to prevent me from bounding up the tree all over again!

Bye negativity.
Bye negative people.
My mind is reopening. Beyond Blairsville, beyond nit-picky little insignificant problems, beyond silly people who feel bad about themselves and try to make me feel the same.

Goodbye to the previous month me.
You were just yet another bump in the road.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Down in the dumps; hitting the fan; spiraling downward

whatever negative connotation you'd like to use,
it'd probably fit me right now.

I have lost my inspiration.
I have lost my skill and passion.

I haven't created a single decent piece of clothing in the past month.
And I'm just completely burned out.
The things that used to inspire me just make me jealous now.

Beautiful works of art like these:

Compared to those, my work falls short...

I need a breath of fresh air.
I may be struggling cause I'm in such a rush to get something new done.

And hey,
if you've ever need motivation for cleaning out your closet of things that no longer fit,
here you go:
Starship (I) REALLY REALLY need fresh fabrics!
I'm broke...due to not selling anything
and if you'd be willing to donate old clothes of any kind, I'll give you a discount on a Starship order (that offer with never expire soo you can keep it valid until I design that piece you just HAVE to have!)
You help me out, I help you out.
Heck, I will even give you a discounted custom if you donate fabric to me.
Bring me trashbags full
or just one article.
I don't care, anything and everything is accepted and VERY appreciated!
It'd really help me get back on my feet if I had fresh, cute stuff to work with

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Honestly, I should be thanking you.

all of you.
The ones who took the time out of their day to spit a rude comment at me
or who lowered themselves to a level even dogs aren't comfortable on...just to let me know that you don't approve of me.

You guys have shaped me into the person I am.

I will keep my head high and my smile on.
I won't lower myself to the same level as you because I know nothing I could ever spit back will make you understand my ways.

So I will forever go on and pretend I can't hear you.
I will continue to jump around, be overly loud, and love what every second of what I do.
It's who I am; who I always will be.
Take it or leave it.

Because of you,
my skin is stronger, my ambitions are higher, and I have every intention of proving to you guys how much potential I have in me.
Little things don't get to me anymore.
I manage to push through and overcome.

I'm not bitter at the world...I'm not even bitter at people.
I'm a good person if you give me a chance and I'm sure, somewhere inside of you, you are too.

Just please, keep somewhere in the back of you head,
I am human too.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

There's probably pills for that.

My memory, of lack of one rather, is starting to be my downfall.

I keep getting in trouble because I can't remember things to save my life.
I'm not being lazy.
I'm just forgetful.
I'm not going out of my way to purposely make things harder on you.
I'm not a bad kid.
I'm not taking advantage of the things you do for me.
I'm not lazy or against going out of my way to do a little more.

I just simply forget.

Oh, by the way,

I'm better off without you.

Just another feeling sorry for myself blog

I warned you.
It's a lot like the Series of Unfortunate Events books.
I've given you warning in advance and if you continue on to read, it's your own fault.

For the past 3 weeks, I've been told on a daily basis my best isn't good enough.
Be it with color guard,
my sewing,
or just home stuff in general.

I can only convince myself so many times that everyone else is wrong
and what I'm doing is right.
There are only so many times that I can rise above not letting their words put me down.
So I apologize to those who have been around me...
I apologize to those I have freaked out on for no good reason.

I just am not taking criticism too well lately; not even constructive criticism.
I'm not asking for a pat on the back and for people to be around the bush with me.
I'm just saying and justifying why I feel like I do recently.

Yeahh I'm just feeling sorry for myself
and will hopefully soon perk up and get over it (I always do. This time is no different)

Maybe I should see this as a drive to work even harder.
I'm just exhausted though...I have nothing left to give.
Maybe it's about time my body finds some stored up energy hidden somewhere.

I think I lost my point.

Friday, August 7, 2009

It's a requirement for girls.

that they have a perfectly planned out paragraph or two about their "ideal boy".
Or at least, people seem to think it's a requirement...I get asked weekly what I look for in a boy
and it's just "not acceptable" that I'm not completely sure.
So here goes:

I want a boy with confidence and charm.
Ambition and talent.
I want a boy who is my best friend and I can tell ANYTHING to.
He also has to have good people skills so that he can get along with my friends and family!

I want someone who is real with me; honest. Not someone who will shower me in compliments all the time.
But I also don't want a jerk who doesn't even act like he likes me.
A happy medium maybe?

I want a boy who will go out of his way for me when I do so for him.

I don't care about boys that much.
I want one to be nice and cute to me but it's not a necessity for me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Taking someone's advice

is abnormal for me.
I'm going to go with Steph's idea
of making a clean start.
School starts tomorrow and I'm officially an upperclassman

So, now would be a good time to wipe my slate clean of everything
good and bad.

I'm so excited to see what new adventures I get into now that I have the ability to drive :]!
I already have a cute place to do homework so maybe that'll actually encourage me to get stuff done.
I'm sick of being told that I could be doing more
or that my whole heart isn't in something.
From now on, everything I do, will have my whole heart in it too.

My slate is clean.
Hi, my name is Bri and I'm excited :]

Monday, August 3, 2009

I have yet to conclude...

whether or not I'm happier
with or without you.

On one hand,
the history we've had in the past almost-year, has been awesome!
I've experienced more and been through more with you
in this short amount of time than I have with most.
We've had our ups and downs and we're most definitely infamous
for our downs.
But hey, that doesn't mean we can't bring things back up.
You're the only person that will actually take the time to calm me down whenever I call you up at any hour in the night, crying my eyes out over some silly nightmare I've had.
And I adore that side of you. I adore the side of you I knew for like 6 months; the side of you that became my other half for a short while.

And on the other hand,
you've become everything you once hated.
You were never the weight-lifting hot shot you think you are now. You never referred to girls as "hot" and you actually held some sincerity in your voice.
You didn't go out of your way to make sure I was jealous and you actually made sure not to do the things that I specifically told you bother me.
You're completely alone. You've changed every piece of yourself just so a group of "friends" will accept you.
Hopefully, one day you'll actually see what everyone else already does see.

I was willing to let you back in my life. For the third time.
I still am.
Going against everyone's best advice is just what I do.
I was hoping I'd get to see the person you used to be again because now I could really use him.

You say you want me back in your life; as a friend.
I'm cool with that.
But I'm sick of being put on the back burner just because your new found attitude makes you think you can do that.
You care just slightly enough to keep me around.
I'm sick of boys like you and I hate that you're now a boy like that.

Completely unrelated but I sat down next to a cricket today without knowing it. It hopped and I about had a heart attack! Just saying.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Everything on my mind. In list form.

I miss having a true to the core, hardcore boyfriend. It was cool having someone at the opposite end of the spectrum from me who could teach me about new stuff.

I really don't understand why I thought I looked good in middle school. Looking back, I know why people made fun of me. Although, I still don't consider them justified.

I agree strongly with a Postsecret I saw the other day. I am incredibly terrified I don't have the ambition to reach my dreams.
That I'm trying very hard to overcome.

It's really hard to find a boy that isn't completely dull that also isn't like "ZOMG I'M SO RANDOM...FRYING PAN, PUMPKIN PIE! Don't you just LOVE being random?!"
I would kill to find a happy medium in there somewhere.

I'm almost completely over my ex. And by him coming back into my life, it's helped me realize this

I would really like to take on the challenge of being healthy. I've heard it makes you feel like 20 times better about everything!
My body has been mad at my lately, so I figured it'd be nice of me to do it a favor for once.

I waste far too much time.

My favorite type of compliment is "Of course....You're Bri Isbell"

I love random calls from Christian.

Color guard is going to the death of me but I still love it.

I can't drive & I hate driving! I get distracted way too easily while driving.

Hmmmmm that's kinda all that's on my mind.
I mean, there's probably more but that's just the stuff that's been lingering around for awhile.