Sunday, May 30, 2010

just throwing that one out there.

first off, my earlobe itches. I can feel a bug bite forming on it and I'd like to send some kudos to the bug who managed to perch perfectly on my ear lobe long enough to bite it without me noticing.
I almost don't mind the uncomfortable itchiness I have to endure now, just because that bug was a trooper.

on another note, I just am just using this blog as another one of those mind detanglers so I'm not working on making this make sense or even amusing to anyone reading this, I just need to clear my head.

I've come to grips that the main source of this constant lonely feeling comes with feeling like I'm losing a best friend.
That's not something I've ever had to deal with...well, not since like 5th grade so I count that as never having to deal with it.
Even in this case, it was never an official "alright see ya" type deal. Nothing happened to make us not friends, we just started separating.
It sucks because I'm not even sure if it's justified in feeling like I do. But our schedules never match up anymore and even when they do and some free time is available, she already has other plans that I'm not exactly included in on.
And I've never been one to invite myself.
I hate that I can't just come out and say "hey, this whole situation sucks and I can't figure out how to fix it!"
but, like I said, I'm not even sure if I'm justified to feel the way I do.
And with that whole feeling of feeling kind of left out of everything with her now, I can't get that feeling out of my mind.
I feel like no one wants to be around me.
And no, I'm not writing this as a "ohhh please pity me" blog! Like I said, this is for me to clear my head and make myself feel better...blogging just happens to do that for me and I don't know where else to turn to just spill my mind out.
And hey, if the right people happen to read it and things get back on track, that's just a side bonus.

I really don't know how to fix any of this or to make myself or anything better.

I have two amazing best friends right now.
but the fact that they also have significant others, I hate to cut in on their free time.
They've told me a lot that I'm not a bother and am welcome to hang out with them anytime!
But one can only take so much of being the 3rd...or 5th wheel.
And that's another aspect of myself that I feel empty with.
I finally got to the point where I wanted to accept love and dive head-first into a relationship...
I just need someone who I actually would want to be in a relationship with and visa versa.

I think I've decided that I'm attending Full Sail University.
And it's extra exciting that I can stay home and still get my degree.
Or rather, not stay home.
I've been flirting with the idea of getting an apartment somewhere not too far from here so I can start living for myself.
Everyone says it's a horrible idea to stay at home longer than I have to and I think I agree.
I love my parents! Everyone knows that my mom is my best friend and it's going to suck moving out but I have to be strong with that and get on living my life.
Plus, I can't wait to start decorating my own space!
I'll probably have to get a roommate so I can make rent buuuuut I'll start thinking about that closer to the time actually coming around.
I also think it'd be super awesome to go on tour with some band. Be nomadic for awhile with only my laptop so I can stay in school and the essentials of living.

I just need to find a place I feel like I fully belong.
& my best friend back.
& a boy that I can like a lot & spend every waking hour with.
& to man up and fix things myself rather than depending on my blog so darn much.

Friday, May 28, 2010

she said she won the world at a carnival

I had a wonderful day (:
It was spent sleeping in far later than I ever sleep and then waking up to hit the thrift store with Liz!
I found an amazing pair of John Lennon glasses that the lady at the register gave to me half price for no apparent reason. I also finally found the hard shelled suitcase I've been dying for! I'm buying the supplies tomorrow to paint it and customize it.
Then I'm going to pack it with my favorite summer clothes and head down to my brother's house for a few days!

Summer is a weird time for me.
I miss random people throughout the days and have very little interest in hanging out with the people I typically do.
I guess we all just need a little while away from each other.
I also re-visit a lot of my past (for instance, I'm listening to Scene For Dummies right now. A song I haven't listened to since 8th grade).

Oh today, Liz and I were driving to Hiawassee and the cars in front of us were stopping randomly. At first, I couldn't see why then I noticed a puppy running back and forth between lanes of traffic.
I tried to trap him on a side road and then got out of my car to get him & Liz pulled in next to me. Although I failed to get the dog, it was nice to see everyone care enough to stop and let the confused puppy run back and forth in search of safety.

I love this song so much (:

I'm not a big PATD fan but Pretty. Odd was just an awesome album!

Summerfest is coming up fast!
I have my screen printing machine downstairs just waiting to be put into action!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear College,

I'm sorry I'm not prepared for you :(
1530 on my SAT is not something I would have like to been notified of.
A 390 on my math...seriously? I knew I was horrible at it but that's ridiculous!

The deadline has passed for the June SAT test and I do believe that that is the last test date till next year.
I wish I felt more prepared to start applying to colleges and such.

I feel like poo at my test score.
But Collegeboard made me feel slightly better with "most people take their SAT the spring of their junior year and then again the fall of their senior year"
so I guess I'm not behind in reality...just feel like I am.

I'm going to spend the evening with my sewing machine and sketchbook.
They don't mind how good (or rather, how not good) at math I am.

Oh & Speaking of colleges,
I'm looking into this one:

The campus is in Florida but I can take Internet Marketing in an online course!
$53,000 for 34 months and almost all the costs of materials needed are covered within that price as well as tuition, of course!
Art school marketing programs > North Georgia business programs
[That equation is only based off of my current research though]

Monday, May 17, 2010

How does that saying go...?

Feeling uninspired, think I'll start a fire?
Yeah, I know it's from a Nirvana song but it also graces 89% of the Myspace profiles I visit.
Starting fires doesn't really inspire me though. I tried it.
Maybe I need a larger fire. But if I keep making larger fires and still not getting results, I'm afraid of what I may do to this place so I'll just stop now and say
that starting fires do not inspire me.

Also I'm starting week 2 of weening myself off of meat.
I tried cutting meat out of diet entirely cold turkey (no pun intended!), my body decided to shut down completely and make me feel super sick.
So now I'm down to eating meat at dinnertime and avoiding it at all other times during the day.
This approach seems to be working nicely.
So why the sudden veggie diet decision?
Well, it's not exactly's been bothering me for awhile actually.
Buddhism states that one should have respect for all living things.
And who woulda guessed that eating processed meat that was once a living creature that was then brutally tortured and then left to die a slow painful death was not respectful of the creature?
Hmmmmm not I, said the cat!
So yeah. I'm basically finally just taking a radical step toward my religion.
Vegetarianism isn't required, but it's just kind of one of those suggested things.

so yep!
It's Monday!! A week full of finals lies ahead of me!
one down and I think 3 more to go? Something like that.
I'm technically a senior now. My class is the oldest in the school so I think that's what that means.
Seniorzzz : we like it on top ;]
(I wonder how many times that horrible joke has been told)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

a wonderful adventure!

a developing crush on someone is one of the best and yet most annoying feelings ever.
I can't exactly decide which are the annoying parts and which are the best though so here's just a list:
- instantly checking to see if he's online when you sign on
- continuing to constantly check to see if he's still online when he hasn't messaged you first
- wondering why he's not messaging you first
- freaking out and asking all your friends
- replaying your conversation with him over and over in your mind
- wanting to hit yourself cause of all the cool things you /could/ of said
- wondering if he think you're as lame as you think you are
- thinking how cool your names sound together
- smiling when you find something new you have in common with him
- getting all giddy when his name is mentioned in conversation and bursting at the chance to talk about how awesome you think he is
- just all around falling in /lust/

It's fantastic :]
and I think Spring is a perfect time for this.
I need some self esteem when it comes to boys, that's for sure!
I turn into a giddy paranoid half retarded little girl when it comes to boys I like.
Is it too late for a New Years Resolution?

Friday, May 14, 2010

today I came to the conclusion

I'm a drug dealing junkie at heart concealed nicely among a mind that, obviously knows better.

Oh and I also concluded that this is one of the best music videos I've seen in awhile (:
Stop motion is my favorite filming technique, I would have to say!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Spectacular, Spectacular!

Today, I just feel grand in my own skin! (:
Summerfest is falling into place bit by bit.
School is almost over.
I feel like something good is just around the corner.
And I just feel awesome!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Simple As That.

"You don't have to end up with people who self destruct
Go find a lover who will never leave
Fear of abandonment, self hate, and discontent
Will go away when you let yourself grieve
And forget about me, forget about me, forget about me"