Sunday, May 30, 2010

just throwing that one out there.

first off, my earlobe itches. I can feel a bug bite forming on it and I'd like to send some kudos to the bug who managed to perch perfectly on my ear lobe long enough to bite it without me noticing.
I almost don't mind the uncomfortable itchiness I have to endure now, just because that bug was a trooper.

on another note, I just am just using this blog as another one of those mind detanglers so I'm not working on making this make sense or even amusing to anyone reading this, I just need to clear my head.

I've come to grips that the main source of this constant lonely feeling comes with feeling like I'm losing a best friend.
That's not something I've ever had to deal with...well, not since like 5th grade so I count that as never having to deal with it.
Even in this case, it was never an official "alright see ya" type deal. Nothing happened to make us not friends, we just started separating.
It sucks because I'm not even sure if it's justified in feeling like I do. But our schedules never match up anymore and even when they do and some free time is available, she already has other plans that I'm not exactly included in on.
And I've never been one to invite myself.
I hate that I can't just come out and say "hey, this whole situation sucks and I can't figure out how to fix it!"
but, like I said, I'm not even sure if I'm justified to feel the way I do.
And with that whole feeling of feeling kind of left out of everything with her now, I can't get that feeling out of my mind.
I feel like no one wants to be around me.
And no, I'm not writing this as a "ohhh please pity me" blog! Like I said, this is for me to clear my head and make myself feel better...blogging just happens to do that for me and I don't know where else to turn to just spill my mind out.
And hey, if the right people happen to read it and things get back on track, that's just a side bonus.

I really don't know how to fix any of this or to make myself or anything better.

I have two amazing best friends right now.
but the fact that they also have significant others, I hate to cut in on their free time.
They've told me a lot that I'm not a bother and am welcome to hang out with them anytime!
But one can only take so much of being the 3rd...or 5th wheel.
And that's another aspect of myself that I feel empty with.
I finally got to the point where I wanted to accept love and dive head-first into a relationship...
I just need someone who I actually would want to be in a relationship with and visa versa.

I think I've decided that I'm attending Full Sail University.
And it's extra exciting that I can stay home and still get my degree.
Or rather, not stay home.
I've been flirting with the idea of getting an apartment somewhere not too far from here so I can start living for myself.
Everyone says it's a horrible idea to stay at home longer than I have to and I think I agree.
I love my parents! Everyone knows that my mom is my best friend and it's going to suck moving out but I have to be strong with that and get on living my life.
Plus, I can't wait to start decorating my own space!
I'll probably have to get a roommate so I can make rent buuuuut I'll start thinking about that closer to the time actually coming around.
I also think it'd be super awesome to go on tour with some band. Be nomadic for awhile with only my laptop so I can stay in school and the essentials of living.

I just need to find a place I feel like I fully belong.
& my best friend back.
& a boy that I can like a lot & spend every waking hour with.
& to man up and fix things myself rather than depending on my blog so darn much.

No comments: