Tuesday, March 30, 2010

March 30, 2k10 - A day that shall live in confusion

and joy! :D

Let me start off by catching up to with the story.
Sunday night, random anonymous person called me a "bitch" on that dumb formspring thing. Didn't bother me too bad.
Last night, a supposedly different person agreed with other person saying that yeah, I am a bitch and I think I'm better than everyone else.
Okay. Well, that one kind of got to me and I spent part of my day being confused and sad and talking about it to people I rarely ever speak to. So, by the end of the day, I felt better.
Although I'm still confused over the fact that one of my close guy friends got in a physical fight this morning over someone who he believes is behind it although I've never heard of or seen such a person before.

I came home & hated the atmosphere here so I left immediately and went to Grams house. I sat and talked with her for awhile while That 70s Show played in the background and she voiced confusion over the show every so often.
Then I went to the guard meeting & devoured a veggie burger that I'd been craving for weeks. Thank you Kayla's Mom :D!

Ride home - normal.
Home life - normal...well, normal for bad evenings filled with tension in the house.

& then, a friend of mine (who is best friends with my best friend's boyfriend) text me and proclaimed that he liked me out of the blue.
I've only hung out with him a few times but he's one of those people that I just kind of instantly got along with.
"He's a strange boy" in Farrah's exact words. but it's okay cause, I'm a strange girl.
So anyway, after just pointing out that we both think the other one is cool and we like each other, he asked me out.
so to add another random event to my day, I now have a boyfriend! :)

I guess sometimes we need days that are nothing but complete random nonsense.
It makes me feel kinda silly and out of it which is what I wanted anyway.

I have to talk to my parents about that "move on when ready" program again but not tonight.

I'm going to go to sleep. Or read.
And text my boyfriend...that's odd to say right now XD

March 30,2k10.
Most random day I've ever experienced.
& my new anniversary day.

I'm happy, excited, confused, more excited, sleepy, partially delusional, and some more happiness thrown in :]]

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Birthday Wishlist :D!

Cause I can never remember stuff that I actually want when someone asks "hey, what do you want for your birthday?!"
so now, I can just direct them to my blog.
And, of course, they're all pretty cheap since I despise spending money or people spending money on me :p

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5263&cat=252

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=860&cat=252

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5790&cat=252

A, preferably vintage, Willie Nelson tshirt (:

annnnnd ya know, like other stuff that is me-like

Saturday, March 20, 2010

erase, resist, deface

starting off my day with a sledgehammer, goggles, and concrete stone decoration that needed taking down is a wonderful way to start a day!
Especially when the past week has caused you to tuck away a lot of emotions and such.
Needless to say, that concrete wall was taken down within 45 minutes.

I also started contacting a bunch of bands about Summerfest- The Sequel.
Now that I know where I went wrong last year, I'm working to make this year bigger and much, much better!
I don't want to give too much away...well, I don't even have anything to give away right now. Today being the first day I started talking to bands, I've only got a definite answer from two. One being a yes, one being a no.

The band I got a no from is this really awesome bluegrassy band I just discovered today, Greenland is Melting. They're been on my Myspace friends list forever and I just never got around to listening to them.
Which now, after realizing that I am a fan, I regret not listening for so long.
That guy was super nice so it was all good.
I downloaded their album and have spent the day listening to them.

Anyway, just another project I'm setting out on.
I live for people relying on me to get stuff done and being in way too over my head.
I do it on purpose sometimes.

I'm off to get some much needed sleep on the new pillows
I stole from my mom.
Sooo fluffy (:

What can I say? They got demselfs a new fan :]

Friday, March 19, 2010

I'll tell you all about living free.

When I said I wanted change, little did I know, I was merely giving my inner self the go-head it has apparently been awaiting for awhile now.
This past week, I have felt myself shift entirely.

And, as I always say, I cannot exactly pinpoint why.
But, 2010 is continuing to be well on its way to being my favorite year! :D

I had such an amazing time this afternoon!
Sunshine, loud music, Chinese food, amazing conversations about amazing music, and really awesome kids are really all I think /anyone/ needs in life

Oh! And I had an amazing last night as well.
Went to Pickens with the concert band to film their festival and did a lot of hanging around and creepily singing "on top of old smokey" to random kids in my presence.
And free pizza buffet!
and more bus riding home.
Gooood stuff :D!

Today, I was presented with the opportunity to make this my last year of high school
and to move onto college courses next year and being a, pretty much, full-time college student.
But, according to my elders, senior year just can't be missed.
Ohhhh senior year, you owe me.
so I will sit idly in this town continuing to "prepare" myself for what I'm already prepared for and continue wasting time.
I guess I'm just bitter about my, what I thought to be, wonderful plan being shot down.

tonight, as I said, was fun.
now I think I'm going to go rewatch 500 Days of Summer and fall asleep.
I want to spend the rest of the weekend focusing on my art and enjoying a bit of some artistic expression.
This week was one of the longest weeks I've encountered in awhile.
I'm fascinated by how much change I feel within myself now.
I'm pleased by it.

I want to start going by Rawley.
Or Brianna Rawley.
Still Bri Rawley of course, unless I'm just being overly fancy.
I really like my middle name and it doesn't get enough credit

My song of the week:

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Dear Self, It's Me Again

You remember just last Friday when you told yourself to go for it
and what could possibly go wrong?
Well, who knew that you were writing for your future self of less than a week later.
And that person that you were putting your trust into wouldn't even keep it for the remainder of the weekend.
That you would spend the following night with the feeling of your heart continuously dropping. Recalling the amazing Friday night you had but blot out the person you spent that amazing evening with. Staying up till 4:30 in the morning cause the thought of laying down to get some sleep scared the heck out of you because you didn't want to be vulnerable to your own recollections.
Who knew? Who could of known?

Maybe someday I'll acquire that jerk-o-meter that so many other people seem to have.
Maybe I'll stop crushing on boys that I simply do not matter in the slightest to.
Maybe, but I doubt it. I'm Bri & it's become just something that I do.

It's okay.
I'm okay.
Everything is okay.
It is all always okay.

Oh, this winter, my mom, g-ma, and I are heading back to Hawaii probably.
We're going to California the day before we have to leave out on the ship and staying in San Diego. I was hoping to have time to maybe visit Oakdale (where Christian Matthew lives) or San Fransisco (where I shall someday live).
San Fran - 7 hours and 44 minutes away
Oakdale - About 5 hours away.
So guess who isn't going to either of those places?!

In honor of my least favorite holiday:

I am a proud Scot and despise this Irish holiday.
Wake me when the Scottish Festival comes to town (:

I want some fresh faces.
And maybe someone to hold hands and watch movies with? I miss dates with someone who actually likes me in return.
And I miss calling someone every night and texting one particular person "good morning, sunshine! :D <3"
I need some good ole' fashion summer lovin'
and I wouldn't mind it starting before summer does ^-^

Monday, March 15, 2010

people I would like to know.

"I want people to realize that it is better to starve in the arms of someone you love than to be wealthy but lonely and headed nowhere."
that was from a random Formspring answer that I read from this girl who lives a few hours from me, who I never spoken to, and is just a friend of a friend to me.
It made my day to hear something I've been trying to get across for so long worded so perfectly a simply.

Everything around me in changing.
It seems to do this a lot and I can never put my finger on what it is that is changing.
Myself, I want to change along with the times too.
I want new, interesting people in my life...
I'm going to introduce myself to that girl that I quoted at the beginning of my blog.

I told Joshua that I would single handedly make things better for him
and now, I need to do the same for myself.

Side thought: the concept of pansexuality interests me.
For those who are unaware of what it is, it is described as "a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex"

Saturday, March 13, 2010

My name is Brianna Rawley

Always has, always will be.
I am 5ft 2inches in height, and yes, that's standing up, surprisingly.
I'm pale on most occasions but get an accidental tan every summer due to band camp and lots of outside community service at Castaway Critters.
I get sick easily and my back almost always hurts.
I can easily look flatchested in slightly baggy t-shirts
and I don't know the number one hit of the week.
I don't like fast cars or muscular guys.

I dig my Scion and this one acoustic folk indie band more than most things.
I like car dancing and sing-a-longs.
I have a best friend with spikey hair and holes in her face. She's been my best friend for 7 years and is the single-most important person in my life outside of my family.
I have a ceramic cat that my best friend named Otis - he's been in the back seat of my car for a few weeks now and still makes me laugh every time I look at him.
I spit when I laugh.

I'm notorious for spitting out drinks onto people around me. On accident, of course.
I'm not as smart as some but I know a lot about random things.
I am Buddhist. I have been for a little over a year.
I am very tolerant of everyone and everything.
My morals are one of the most important virtues I have possess.
Trustworthiness is another
and confidence.

I like smiling at strangers and laughing way too hard over silly things.
I like planning out futures with people and imagining how amazing things will be.
I want to attend The Academy of Art in San Francisco.
I want to live in Toronto, Ontario.
Doing what I love and I personally believe to be right is most important to me.
I am very hardheaded and lighthearted.
I drink tea, wear fake glasses, and enjoy oversized sweaters when I don't feel like getting dressed.

I like art and am a fashion designer.
I would do anything for someone I care about and am constantly going out of my way for the benefit of others - and not minding a bit.
I like people relying on me.
Zooey Deschannel is my favorite actress.
I don't cuss unless I'm really mad.
I believe I'm a Democrat, although, I'm too young to vote and have never taken the time to really look into it. I know I'm not a Republican.
I'm unbearably gullible and forgiving. And yes, people take advantage of this all the time.

Sunflowers are my favorite flower.
I hate when people say sorry. I believe you shouldn't ever have to tell me sorry.
I like sarcasm.
I have a new found love of having my hair played with and how boys smell different on dates than they do when you just "see them around".
I'm an avid people watcher.
Asians are my favorite race.
I'm in love with love.
I'm not living for the day I obtain a husband, children, and a white picket fence - I want adventure and fear and love and the unknown the play a major role in my life.

At 16, I know exactly what I want to do with my life.
I am abstinent. Have never touched a cigarette, weed, drugs, or an alcoholic beverage, etc.
To this day, I have kissed two boys. Both of which I was dating, both of which meant a lot to me.
I have very high standards and know what I want.
Some people think I'm a "bitch" because of this. If that's what makes me one, well then, I'm very proud to be one cause I refuse to give-in to anyone.

My skin is super thick and very little gets to me anymore.
I have been accused of having a wall up. I believe this to be true.
To this day, I have not come across anyone worth taking that wall down for.
My favorite novel is The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I see myself as being a version of Sam. I live for feeling infinite.

I have the greatest friends in the world.
The people I care about, I keep around forever.
Since I was 12, I have loved a boy in California. He's perfection and to this day, still makes me smile bigger than most people in Georgia can do.
I want to get a tattoo of Georgia on the back of my right shoulder with a heart of Blairsville. I plan to leave here for many years
but this place will always been my home.

I want to get Waldo tattooed on the back of my ear.
I want to get "perfect exists, but only a day like this" and my wedding dated tattooed on the inside of my right forearm.
I want to get Buddha tattooed on my left arm.
I want to get "promise" tattooed on my pinky. Pinky promises mean a lot to me.
I want to get some imadethismistake lyrics tattooed on my hip bones. He's been my favorite musician since August 21, 2007.
I want to get "I swear we were infitite" tattooed on my back.
I want to get a bee with a heart as his head tattooed on my left arm which is a Jason Mraz inspired tattoo for "Be Love."
I want to get "trio of lunatics" tattooed around my left wrist like a bracelet.
for Joshua Nicholas and Farrah Jade, my best friends, who are, in fact, lunatics.

I like puns
and silly knock-knock jokes.
I hate sleeping in late, even on weekends.
I very rarely actually pursue my crushes and when I do, I allow myself to become far too insecure.
I like people from far away and making plans with them to meet someday (:
I like people who are genuine and don't put on a mask for me or anyone else.
I like knowing people's full names and how they got little scars on their bodies.
I like sharing music and learning about new music.
Strawberries are my favorite fruit although I hate actually eating them. I like strawberry flavored things and m car is named Strawberry (After Strawberry Fields Forever.)
I ask a lot of questions.

& I will never be anything that I am not. I cannot change myself nor do I have any interest to.
You either like me like this or can kindly show yourself to the door now.

I am everything and nothing.
I am anything.
Old and new.
Futuristic and vintage.
A small town girl with a city girl heart.

I am Brianna Rawley Isbell.
The Isbell part may someday change or it may just have "crazy cat lady" added to the end of it.

i know what's best for me, but i want you instead

dear self,
if in the future none of this turns out the way you planned on it to, never let yourself convince you that you were stupid.
you've put a lot of thought into this thus far and now, you're merely taking a chance and putting your trust into someone.
so you're not stupid for doing this, you're just being trusting and, last time i checked, that's not something to be ashamed of.
so, dear self,
i say, go for it.

Oh and Three Days Grace is currently residing in my CD player.
They're just so dang good & I often forget (:

I don't believe in bad people.
This, among tons of other things, I don't know if it's beneficial or not.

Friday, March 12, 2010

my mind is filled with useless clutter.

Today was the first time in a super long time that I actually woke up in a horrible mood. Without even walking out of my room, I was already just in a terrible, annoyed mood and knew I'd have to fight the whole day not to kill anyone.
Luckily, it was a half day at school so I got to sit silently and watch a movie through first block (which was actually 3rd block) and then during second block (which was actually 4th block), I just sat with Joshua and Farrah and they allowed me to be in a bad mood
and occasionally just reassured me that everything would be okay and that I didn't need to be in a bad mood - but they didn't mind too much that I just flat out was.

I came home, took a nap, had another nightmare...or is it a daymare?, and am now getting ready to head to Blue Ridge for the evening.
Yeah, I'm happy that my plans ended up working out but my bad mood still hasn't gone away so I'm not sure what the cause of it is now -shrug-

Thursday, March 11, 2010

self-medication: take 538

It's strange to me how we make plans with people and just assume that you mean enough to that person that they will, without a doubt, still be a strong participant in your life to fulfill these plans.
But that rarely ever happens.
But hey, the plans don't need to suffer because of this, and we still hold the urge to carry out the plans. Be it by ourselves or someone completely different.
And it's strange to me how the person we do actually fulfill those plans with, may not even be someone you've already met. That there is someone out there, a complete stranger, who would find your plans that you made with a former friend/boyfriend completely awesome and smile at you because you share interests with them and then they will add their own flair into it too.

It's just strange how, for those who haven't met their soul mates, their is someone out there waiting for them too. Maybe even searching.
And one day, you're just going to bump into each other and have a conversation over your choice of shoes that morning or the way you were late for work because you woke up with a hair sticking straight up and the process of how you got it fixed.
And you'll laugh and smile and somewhere along the line, you'll realize this is the person you've been searching your entire life for.

I hope for you, and for myself, that you find that person and they are everything you could ever hope to be.

This was my dream home when we first talked about it. But now you're no longer around and yet, this is still my dream home. I'm sure someday it'll make a wonderful palace for me and the soul-mate I have yet to meet.

I don't blame love for bad experiences and heart breaks.
I blame the people.

It's funny how things work.
And all the mysteries that we're completely unaware of right now.
The paths of things that could of been uncovered had we just taken a bit more of a risk last week.
The things we'll never know.
How I wish I could re-live this life over & over again.
But we only get one shot.
Let's smile at strangers, take risks, fall in love, be foolish, let's all just live...for right now.

I'm happy and excited to see what
mysteries my existence uncovers (:

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I constantly find myself...

like those girls in the movies.
You know the high-class uptown girls falling for the boy on the "wrong side of the tracks"?
Story of my life.

Except I'm not a high class uptown girl... but morally speaking, as far as most of society is concerned, I'm on the right side of the tracks and I always fall for the "bad boys."
...the reckless ones who barely even know the meaning of the word "moral" and participate religiously in everything I'm against.

I really don't know why this always tends to happen.
I've always have a slight fascination with the "other side" although I know in my heart that I would never actual partake.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Spring Cleaning

Putting jackets and sweaters away, taking out the dresses and tank tops.
Ohhh I'm so excited to finally have skin again!
I despise being covered head to toe in fabric and still be shivering.

I'm at that point again where I'm bored.
As I said in my last blog, I'm working on new projects.
I want to meet an awesome boy because, for some reason, being completely alone is starting to get to me. Especially with my two best (girl) friends being in awesome committed relationships, it's no fun to be the 3rd wheel.
Desperation is not for me though.

I cannot wait for summer vacation!
Where I can make up my own schedule - work and social.
Also, I'm going to head back to Castaway Critters and spend the summer volunteering again!
I love not being in school. That way I get to chose who I see on a daily basis and am just surrounded by the people I actually want to surround myself with.

I ordered an amazing Smiths shirt last week.
However, I forgot to check where it's shipping from.
I hope shipments from Thailand don't take too long.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

7. March. 2k10

Just wanted to say
2010 is, thus far, going wonderfully :D!
In a downhill economy, I have been able to take a small step forward.
My best friend is almost constantly by my side.
People rely on me and I haven't let a single one down yet.
My judgments have gotten better.
My mind has been constantly active.
My interests are broadening.

Go 2010! 3 down, 9 more to go (:

I'm setting out on a new idea with Skye Britni
who is one of my favorite people ever.
She is definitely the only person who shares my interests for random acts of kindness.
That is something I want to focus on extra this year. I started getting into it near the end of last year so I didn't have time to fully develop in that.
If I'm having a splendid year, why shouldn't everyone else? :D!

So Skye and I are doing that.
But I'm not going to tell you what we're doing yet cause, well, I don't want to.

I'm going to go partake in some super-late night meditation to attempt to rid my mind of whatever it is that is causing myself to have this horrid nightmares.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

If we only stayed together I might not of fallen apart

thank you, Motion City Soundtrack. I could not agree more.

I really cannot wait for the day when I'm done proving that I don't need anyone
And can just admit that having someone would be hecka sweet.

You, sir, are downright ridiculous sometimes.
The cool part is the truly don't need you either.

I misplaced my headphones...
How am I suppsed to sleep?

Monday, March 1, 2010

gooood (:

I was totally prepared for tonight to be crappy and stressful,
but somehow, I managed to get everything done on time.
Well, not everything...I didn't write my introduction paragraph but I plan to do that in the morning.

I wish boys weren't so routine.
Like..."awhh that's cute! wait. I'm pretty sure it's cute to every other girl you've pulled at with too"
and I'm pretty sure that's a facebook group.
But what isn't these days?

Sincerity goes a long way with me.
As do please and thank yous.
I just dig classy people.

I don't remember why I started this post.
I feel good tonight! I like not being rushed or stressed...and it's especially nice when I planned for it (:

I wish I had someone to fall asleep talking to.
I'd even settle for texting.
I miss just having someone there.