Tuesday, October 27, 2009
will you be my bride, take me by the hand and stand by my side?
I have decided,
I want to live the life of Jason Mraz.
He's just so full of love and seems like the kind of guy I'd like to sit in the bed of a pickup truck with and discuss the weather for hours.
I'm going out there and take today on and say, "day...what chyoo got?"
Can we go to his show, please? :]]!
Oh and I also want my world to resemble that of a giant FredFlare store.
I AM BIPOLAR AS HECK
Epiphanies are great!
I love when everything finally "slaps me in the face like a wet squirrel"
(thanks to Mrs. Marsh for the wonderful sayin')
I realized I dragged my insecurities from my previous relationship
and let them overcome me in this one.
Yes, every problem I've had for the past 3 weeks have been greatly caused due to my relationship
[[not Jonathan's fault, I'm just crazy sometimes]]
but hey, I figured it out and not I can stop doing what I'm doing.
Blogging is a great release! I don't think I would of figured this out
if it wasn't for going back and reading super old posts.
(I'm just all about stealing sayings tonight)
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I'm pathetic and silly
and don't care anymore. I don't have a guard anymore
and it's so strange to feel that I just blurt out "I love you"s left and right
and never even think about it anymore.
Sure I like it and this is what I wanted
but, I still feel insanely vulnerable and am just hoping no one is currently taking advantage of it.
I found this poem thing that just kinda elaborates on how I feel:
You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.
You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.
Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?
I'm extremely happy today :D!
I've been dancing around my room and getting ready for the Three Dog Night concert tonight all day!
I want to drive somewhere.
I am feeling unbearably anxious!
Friday, October 23, 2009
I now know why you were so hurt with the way I acted.
I'm being treated exactly the same as I had treated you
and I'm miserable most of the time.
So, I know what's it like
and I don't blame you at all for how you reacted...
I'm sorry; sorry I didn't see it before now.
I don't apologize to how you were in particular,
just for what I did to you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
that Buddha knows what he's talking about.
The only true happiness you can find is within yourself.
I'm skeptical of everything around me.
I'm beginning to think this kind of a self-esteem issue.
But....I'm not typically one to have self confidence issues. I don't know what's wrong.
I have my dream car - Scion XB - that my parents and grandma so graciously bought for me over fall break!
I have an awesome boyfriend!
I finally have a life; my planner has never been so jammed packed. Day after day it's more stuff to be done and more and more people relying on me. I'm busy and I love it! I feel independent and free. I'm finally more on my own and it's just the slight taste of being my own person that I've been fretting to grab.
I'm starting to visit colleges and receive scholarships and being forced to think more on my future. Which I'm super excited for!
but for some reason, I can't just accept this.
as I said, I'm skeptical. I'm scared I'm not good enough for any of this.
I'm paranoid that with Jonathan playing bigger shows, he's going to find some other girl that he likes a lot more and just leave me in the dust because I'm not good enough.
I'm scared my grades aren't good enough to get me the scholarships I want and I'm not going to be privileged enough to get into my dream school!
Everyone around me is doing better than me...or so it seems.
All the girls around me are so gorgeous and I feel crappy about my own appearance.
Random confession (I was thinking about this on the way home):
I spent the majority of my younger childhood trying soooooo hard to fit in with the popular crowd and they never wanted me.
I could never find a group I fit in with. So, around the time I met Farrah, I just decided to make my own group.
If I couldn't find a group that wanted me, I'd make my own.
For the past 5-6 years, I've done an amazing job of convincing everyone that weird is what I LIKE being - and heck, don't get me wrong, I adore who I am and, now, wouldn't change myself for the world.
I just think it's funny how all of this got started.
I love who I am though. I would like to thank all of your silly cliques and you not wanting me; I'm 15698% happy with my own outcome!
I just want to sit around and sew and sip tea tea all day.
Watch Ovation tv and stay up way too late.
I don't want responsibility!
I'm sick of being compared to everyone around me. I want to surround myself with people that I'm completely positive won't replace me.
"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. "
I need to take his advice and
stop my bellyachin'
No one has put this impression on me. This is my own paranoia - a battle within my mind.
All I can do is overcome this myself.
I am beautiful
Step 1 to recovery
Monday, October 19, 2009
what has been going on?
this path I've chosen is far from what I thought it would be.
I always lose track of myself on occasion.
I know it sounds silly, but sometimes the wreckless underlay of myself tends to bubble to the surface. I get that side of me from my dad & it's kinda hard to keep that part under control sometimes.
I love my dad, of course
but I don't want to become him.
This calls for a re-evaluation. I hate these times. When I realize I've been a total douchebag for about a month and then have to go back and fix everything.
I do this at least 3 times a year. every year
when shall I learn?
like to keep ya on your toes, home slice
I am ridiculously optimistic tonight :D!
I FINALLY HAVE TIME FOR MY SEWING AGAIN!
I had a honey tea and sewing night...nothing pleases me more, I swear. Haha!
Oh and Happy Birthday, boyfriendRoachboy :D!
It's officially illegal for me to be dating you. But hey, I'm willing to take that risk for you.
OH! OH! (x2)
The Mirror, The Portrait are playing an in-store performance at Hot Topic sometime next week. I'm pretty sure I'm 30 times more excited than the band at the moment.
I'm off to frolic around and eventually write my summary for world history.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
people (and animals for that matter) often claim that they can predict
when storms are coming. They tend to feel it in their bones
and just have a sense of it...or so I've heard.
Now I don't know much about predicting rain but I have a similar feeling
about something new slowly creating itself.
What, as of now, I know not.
But I am anxious and get kind of dizzy when I try to think about what could be going on.
I love being anxious and not exactly knowing for what.
That feeling has never failed me yet.
Hopefully, a brand new adventure is about to reveal itself.
I'm one hundred percent ready to take whatever it may be with full stride.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
ohhhh hay, it's college.
Everyone already knows my two cents on being excited
and scared out of my mind.
This place has potential to be my home for 4 years:
But then again, so does this place:
Balancing out the benefits never seems to add up.
Atlanta was my original plan. 2 hours away from home. Decent sized city. I know my way around pretty well already. SCAD is there. Art Institute is there. I'd have a totally clean slate since I'm not moving there with anyone.
Nashville has been thrown at me recently. 4 hours away from home. Smaller city (and really artsy from what I've heard...that's always a plus). Farrah, Jonathan, and Pittman will be there - connections are always nice. I could attend the Art Institute there as well.
Both are awesome choices!
I'd have to find a way to get a lot of scholarship money if I went to Nashville though (HOPE wouldn't go to Tennessee, of course).
I guess I still have another year and a half to figure out what's going on so I don't need to fret right now.
I don't even know what's going on next week let alone next year.
But, one thing for certain,
I'm going to curl up into bed right now and watch Across The Universe for the 300th time and recite the lines.
Oh and another thing for certain, in college,
I'm going to introduce myself to everyone as Rawley :]!
Bri is getting old and Rawley sounds more artsy and mysterious anyway ^-^
Sunday, October 4, 2009
...that I rely on other people's energy far too much.
when other people don't feel good, I don't feel good.
I'm kind of worried about myself.
I want to have time to be happy!
I believe this is my last year of color guard...it's dumb to intentionally put myself through all of this crap again.
I'm done with crappy people and I'm not going to let myself constantly be a pushover anymore. Time to stick up for myself.
I'm latching on to a few amazing people and they shall become my support system.
I'll go back to sewing every spare moment I have rather than wasting it on people who I don't mean a thing to.
I guess I'm toughening up to hide how truly vulnerable I feel these days.
the entire world seems to be slowly getting darker.
Maybe it's the weather and the fact that the world actually is moving further away from the sun.
but in every aspect, everything is darker.
no one is as happy
people are just becoming meaner
I'm back to having some trust issues with a few people
everyone is stressed and losing time to actually care about people
and everyone is just walking around like mindless zombies.
Or it may just be that I'm a: