Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm beginning to realize..

that Buddha knows what he's talking about.
The only true happiness you can find is within yourself.

I'm skeptical of everything around me.
I'm beginning to think this kind of a self-esteem issue.
But....I'm not typically one to have self confidence issues. I don't know what's wrong.

is perfect.

I have my dream car - Scion XB - that my parents and grandma so graciously bought for me over fall break!
I have an awesome boyfriend!
I finally have a life; my planner has never been so jammed packed. Day after day it's more stuff to be done and more and more people relying on me. I'm busy and I love it! I feel independent and free. I'm finally more on my own and it's just the slight taste of being my own person that I've been fretting to grab.
I'm starting to visit colleges and receive scholarships and being forced to think more on my future. Which I'm super excited for!

but for some reason, I can't just accept this.
as I said, I'm skeptical. I'm scared I'm not good enough for any of this.
I'm paranoid that with Jonathan playing bigger shows, he's going to find some other girl that he likes a lot more and just leave me in the dust because I'm not good enough.
I'm scared my grades aren't good enough to get me the scholarships I want and I'm not going to be privileged enough to get into my dream school!
Everyone around me is doing better than me...or so it seems.
All the girls around me are so gorgeous and I feel crappy about my own appearance.

Random confession (I was thinking about this on the way home):
I spent the majority of my younger childhood trying soooooo hard to fit in with the popular crowd and they never wanted me.
I could never find a group I fit in with. So, around the time I met Farrah, I just decided to make my own group.
If I couldn't find a group that wanted me, I'd make my own.
For the past 5-6 years, I've done an amazing job of convincing everyone that weird is what I LIKE being - and heck, don't get me wrong, I adore who I am and, now, wouldn't change myself for the world.
I just think it's funny how all of this got started.
I love who I am though. I would like to thank all of your silly cliques and you not wanting me; I'm 15698% happy with my own outcome!

I just want to sit around and sew and sip tea tea all day.
Watch Ovation tv and stay up way too late.
I don't want responsibility!
I'm sick of being compared to everyone around me. I want to surround myself with people that I'm completely positive won't replace me.

"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. "

I need to take his advice and
stop my bellyachin'

No one has put this impression on me. This is my own paranoia - a battle within my mind.
All I can do is overcome this myself.
I am beautiful
Step 1 to recovery

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