Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Yes, I have a "wall"

my guard is up. my trust is limited and I'm paranoid toward every semi new person who is in my life.
Maybe my wall isn't even directed towards "people" just boys...

I've tried to explain it to some boys cause they ask why I am the way I am. But then they get bored halfway through cause it's a much too long explanation sooo I'm just going to write it hear and direct anyone who wants to know to this blog.
No more explaining after this.

My wall was built the beginning of my 8th grade year.
The year I got my first "serious" boyfriend. By serious I mean a boy I actually hung out with outside of school, talked to all the time, and went on "dates" with.
He is the boy I count as my first boyfriend.
He was the opposite of a good influence. He lied to me, fought with me all the time, probably cheated on me (I wouldn't put it past him), and all around manipulated me till I was just all around crappy and mean to everyone cause that's how he wanted me to be.
But hey, I was young, he was cute, and I wanted to impress him.
I changed a lot for that boy and let him into my thoughts and trusted him with my feelings.
Only to have them thrown right back into my face every chance he was given.
So I decided I didn't want to share my inner thoughts with boys anymore.
Most of my wall was built because of this boy.
I'm very timid around boys and I don't trust them fully very easily anymore.

As I was growing up (and still am, of course), I hung out with boys. A lot.
I always heard about how annoyed they were with those constantly flirty and clingy girls.
Naturally, I didn't want to be one of those girls because I enjoyed being "just one of the guys". I got used to every time I was girly and sensitive, I got made fun of by my guy friends.
So that's when I decided I didn't want to be flirty or clingy. It's also when I developed my stupid habit of using sarcasm as a tool to let a boy know I like him.

On top of that,
I've very independent. That's my personality. I don't really think about how my headstrong attitude is affecting some other people.
Which was the main reason I got tossed out of my most recent relationship.

I'm not calm enough to carry on a decent conversation.
I don't accept compliments very well.
I'm always very cautious that boys are just smooth talking me and don't mean anything they're saying.
I act silly so no one knows how weak and scared I truly am.

But in reality, I want my wall to go away.
I want to be the girl that boys actually look at as having interest in...not just the girl who is neat to hang out with sometimes.
I want a boy to have a crush on me for a change; without it just being only the other way around.

I mean, I don't want to become one of those fragile little girls who turn into the damsel in distress...but I'd like to have a tiny bit more of that thrown into my personality.
Just a little.

I like who I am;
I just don't like how closed in within myself I am.
I want to talk to boys about how I feel rather than just leaving them guessing and then getting bored and leaving.

I guess I'm currently just feeling sorry for myself. For multiple reasons.
I currently feel like I could do more and I could be different.
Could try a little harder.

I'm confused and sad and scared and I guess all around vulnerable.
Go ahead. Makes jokes and negative comments about how I can't manage to hold myself together.
That's currently how I want to be portrayed. I'm finally accepting help from people and I'm just hoping someone is actually there willing to help.

Thank you Dakota for my newest musical obsession :]
Your letter and mix tapes (I'll never get used to saying mixed CD)
made my day! Possibly even week!
I wrote your letter today and am currently working on cool knick knacks to clutter up your college desk


Dakota Floyd said...

Glad you like the mix. Madeline is so sweet; you missed her when she played in Blairsville last July!

Dakota Floyd said...

PS -- Everyone is confused and scared about some things, whether they want to admit it or not. I'm extremely confused and frustrated with my life and the direction that it feels like it's headed right now. But it's one of those things. You've just gotta live day-by-day, figure out your weaknesses and things you want to change and then take action. It may not happen all at once, or at all for awhile, but eventually things start to make sense, at least for a little while.