Sunday, November 1, 2009
It's all true, yes
I feel very threatened by everyone and everything lately.
Good for self esteem? Not even in the slightest.
And that's been causing people to cock their heads in confusion when I get bummed out at random sarcastic remarks they throw at me - stuff like that never used to bother me.
So why the all of a sudden change?
Well, the best reason I can come up with is that I'm no longer doing anything productive and rewarding in my own personal affairs.
Every second of my day is either taken up by color guard, homework, family, or sleep.
Actually, I should be finishing up The Great Gatsby and doing definitions for anatomy right now but, obviously, I am doing neither.
My self esteem used to come from me being able to be successful in my hobbies and loving what I did with my spare time. It came from the fact that I could completely indulge myself in something that had nothing to do with anyone but myself and I could be confident with everything I did.
But hey, not now.
Now I'm caught up in trying to understand words like sarcoplasmic reticulum and forcing myself to remember what they mean; which, by the way, sarcoplasmic reticulm is an irregular curtain around muscle fibrils...just saying :]
I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSCLE FIBRILS!
I DON'T WANNA TAKE THE SAT/ACT!
I don't wanna worry about my future, I just want to have it right now.
And on top of all of that, I'm still desperately trying to hold on to the things I love most - friends, family, boyfriend, sewing -
but, in the long run, I'm just being awkward and treating them like crap because everything I say and do is completely forced these days.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
School is driving me insane :[