Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sometimes, I hate the fact that I have the ability to chose exactly who I want to be.
I hate that I can change my style, the music I listen to, the color of my hair, etc.
Because it's scary as heck!
In a day, I can completely change who I am.
It's up to me how I treat people, who I hang out with, and what thoughts go on in my mind.
I can chose how long I stay locked up in my room or spend my day in general.
I hate making plans because sometimes, I'd just rather stay at home
and watch television with my parents.
I want to be social.
But I want stay in and be friends with my parents.
I don't want to lose the ability of either one of those.
Recently, with the entrance of a boy from Blue Ridge into my life, I'm not home at least one day every weekend.
I kinda hate that too. Although I love hanging out with him; I just want to stay at home.
Like today. I'm kind of dreading 2 hours from now when he gets here.
But I also cannot WAIT for him to get here!
I'm beyond confused with myself right now :[
I kind of hate that I'm wasting so much time sitting down here blogging
instead of being upstairs.
I just now walked upstairs and am sitting with my mom while she's doing taxes.
That makes me feeeel a bit better!
I'm scared I'm going to grow up to be one of those kids who can't stand to leave their parents and gives up every dream they have of their own.
I'm scared of being crazy. Always have been always will be.
Actually, part of last month and so far this month, I've just felt like I'm spiraling down into a life of someone else.
I know it's probably just teenage depression or anxiety or whatever it's called when you're being silly and confused.
I just fear of maturing
and to lose my sense of finding everything in the universe funny.
I liked my carefree nature and I don't want to lose that.
Of course I'm going to have more responsibility as I'm older (that goes without saying) and I know that I have to keep stuff for Starship awesome and in order now too.
But still, I don't want to lose my "Bri-ness"
I'm so scared of becoming drab and boring and completely not being who I am. Maybe I'm not being myself by worrying about not being myself anymore.
I just kinda get the sense that I'm on the outside of my body looking in and I don't even see myself anymore.
I hate it.
I want it to stop and I want to feel better!!
Sometimes I wish I had people who were just like "this is what you're going to look like, think, and say"
just so I didn't have to be so scared of making these decisions myself.
I WANT WINTER GONE! I can't do this cold weather crap anymore DDX
Maybe Spring will bring, along with flowers and beautiful weather, myself back.