Ohh December!

So December comes at a good time.
New week, new month!!
It's like a fresh start :]

Cept kind of not.
EOCTs for my classes are coming FAST!
I still have a really low grade in pottery
and I need to work on that.
L-A-M-E!

I'm going to kick it into high gear in the next month.
Studying like crazy, getting all my gifts together for all my friends,
and trying to think of something cool.

I realized I haven't done anything TOO terribly memorable for 2008.
So in the last month, I want to make it an amazing month!
I'm going to blog a lot so I can remember all that is going on
and keep my head screwed on tight.
I don't want to lose sight of things that are really important.
Like family, school, and my career.
2k9 is coming up WAY to fast.
much much too fast!

Well!
Off to go take some practice tests
and text Rob-E about going into pottery early with me tomorrow.
Hahh I love him XD

I don't want to be broken.

Those closest to me have noticed that I'm not myself lately.
I haven't noticed that much but now that that has been brought to my attention, so have a lot of other things.

I am truly not as happy as I was.
I still laugh at everything...but it's weak.
I still smile at people in the halls..but just so I convince myself nothing is wrong.
I cannot blame it on the weather. I know it's deeper than that.
I have never before felt so alone. So out of place and lost.

I've been complaining about this a lot recently.
However, I don't think anyone nor myself have noticed the sincerity.

Subconsciously, I changed myself in hope I wouldn't feel so alone.
With that, I lost what made me happy. I was never one to change for people; as long as I was happy, that was good enough for me.
I need to go back to that. I want my oblivious mind back.

My best friend has been having a lot of problems and in the process of trying to be there, I've put her burdens on my mind. I want to make her happy and I'm spending so much time doing that, I haven't made me happy.
I need to even those out.

I am going to cheer myself up.
I am going to get my spunk and spirit back.
I am going to stop caring what perfect strangers think and go back to loving those closest to me.
I'm going to call my boyfriend and talk things over with him.

I SWEAR IT!

I'm not a writer.

From the moment that I met you, I knew I didn't need you.
I knew you weren't good for me and you'd just cause problems.
I knew that you would use the same lines on me that you use on every girl.
I knew that you were just trying to make her mad with how "happy" you were and that you never truly understood my jokes.
I knew your dirty habits, your horrible reputation, and how every girl in town thought you were the greatest thing ever.
I knew that you never actually liked me, you just wanted to use me.
I knew all this and ,for some reason, I didn't walk away.
From the moment that I met you, I knew I didn't need you
but I wouldn't mind taking a chance.

Homecoming 2008

"Its not about the amount of punches yoo throw. Or the words yoo can so blindly spit out."

I made homecoming court for Union County High School.
Yes, me. The girl who never expected to win anything and is occasionally looked at with funny glances as I walk down the hall.
I like to do my own thing, your comments have never phased me and all that's ever mattered to me was that I keep my incredibly amazing friends and a good head on my shoulder.
I've succeeded in this.

Maybe it is just the fact that my day has been pretty glum. Or maybe that I have a lot of homework that I am freaking out about on top of all of this.
Whatever the reason may be...today, all your comments you toss my way in hope to bring me down, actually got to me.
I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that for once, everyone would be happy and excited and pat me on that back saying "good job". Whatever it was, I didn't get.

All day I've heard about how I don't deserve to be on homecoming court.
I don't exactly know how to take that. What was I supposed to do in order to deserve this? Go through some homecoming bootcamp and prove that I wanted this?
I've never seemed excited about it because I'm not one that anyone would ever expect to be chosen to for this.

Despite what you say or how you feel about it, I'm not backing out of this.
For once, the "freaks" get a chance to stand up and be noticed for once. This just proves that you don't have to look or act a certain way to get recognized.
I treat people with respect and I believe that's why I got chosen over some others.

Maybe before you shoot out your purposely hurtful comments, you should think about how it is going to affect others. Not just in this situation, but anytime.
Despite how often I keep my head held high walking past you and I pretend like I can't hear you, I have feelings too.
I'm not immune to your words and it does indeed hurt my feelings.
Please, just think before you spit out your insults.
I have faith that these people aren't bad people, they are just getting caught up in silly high school drama. None of this is going to matter 2 years down the road.
What is going to matter is how you treat others. Work on that and just be happy for what's going on right now.

In conclusion, all I have to say is this will be the most rockin' homecoming ever :D

I'm starting over.

I have realized that I let myself go.
I got that bulletproof mindset and it's most definitely starting to tear me apart.
So here's to starting over and becoming a better person.
Yes, I "start over" quite a bit but I like to start with a clean slate sometimes and become a better person.

I am going to make sure I get all my chores around the house done and not stay up so late at night. My parents do enough for me...I need to start doing my part to help out as well.
I am going to get in the habit of brushing my teeth, showering, and washing my face every night. Yeahhh I'm quitting my never showering habit. Whoo Hoo! This shouldn't be something I have to work on...but I'm gross and I forget sometimes. Hahhha!
I am going to STUDY when I say I'm going to study. I refuse to let phone conversations run on through my studying time. I am shooting for straight A's come report card. Progress report is going to SUCK and I'm ashamed of that.
I need to learn how to balance out boyfriend, friends, family, guard, school, and my clothing line.
Priorities:
1. Family
2. School
3. Guard
4. Friends
5. Boyfriend
6. Clothing line
I wish I had more time for clothing line but the people in my life are more important than my hobby.

I'm going to be asleep by midnight every school night.
and I'm going to keep my room clean.
I'm not to needlessly argue or complain. I'm going to control things bothering me and focus on more important things than silly teenage drama.
I QUIT MYSPACE! Well, I cut myself down to only an hour on myspace a night.

Yeahh I think that is all I have to work on.
I'm going to start on my list :D

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I never thought that line could ever actually apply to something; at the moment, it most certainly fits.

I finally met this amazing guy. I know, I know, I ALWAYS talk about finding "the most amazing guy ever" buuut I have to find a flaw in this one. Just looking at him gives me butterflies. He's amazing. He's cute, goes to my school, not into drugs or sex, is funny, cute acting as well, and he can sing well.
He makes me incredibly happy!!!
The best of times.

My grandmother got admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon due to panic attacks. The hospital kept her overnight and said she could come home today. Apparently, she has some sort of eternal bleeding and has to stay till at LEAST Monday to get tests and stuff done. She's really weak and her blood isn't holding iron very well. I went to see her today; she doesn't look that bad but I'm still incredibly worried. People with plans cannot die. We're going to Pigeon Forge in October and to a Scottish concert in late September and in 7 months we are planning to go to Toronto for a few weeks. Grams has too much going on to be sick. She HAS to get better, I just know it.
The worst of times.

I want to be happy to the fullest extent of happy, but I cannot. I want Grams to be okay and things to go back to normal

A list.

Of things I, personally, want to better myself in.

1. I want to do better in school. I'm shooting for all A's! Even in math :D
2. I want to be a better friend.
3. I needa start paying more attention to my appearance. -CHECKAROO!
4. I want to keep my room cleaner - CHECK
5. I want to learn how to cut/style/dye my own hair
6. I want to save up my money
7. I needa do better around the house
8. I HAVE TO STOP BEING SO FORGIVING!!!!!
9. I need to learn say no sometimes
10. I want to become a role model to someone
11. I want to be something worth looking up to
12. I want to get out of the habit of cutting my hair...which totally cancels out number 5
13. I need to stop staying up so late on school nights
14. I want to broaden my interests
15. I want to meet new people
16. I need to stop taking things for granted and appreciate everything
17. I want to remain with my 15 year old innocence
18. I want to be a better girlfriend - CHECK!
19. I want to learn to speak French
20. I needa get over my fear of crickets.
21. I need to get in the habit of showering everyday -Nawww showering will always be a waste of time...forget it.

I'll add to this as it comes to me.