I've said it before

I'll say it again.

I'm well aware you're bad news for me.
I know your reputation and what you're all about;
the person you try so hard to be and the person you actually are.
Trust me, I get it.
The thing is, I love that you're not good for me.
I like that you challenge me and absolutely make me want to
punch you sometimes.
I love that about you.
Even if I shouldn't.

I know what I've gotten myself into.

:]
I'm happy!
And off to bed

Random funny thing I just realized

After I posted that last really long post,
I went to read old blogs.

Even like a year ago, I was complaining about my losing my
Bri-ness
Hahh!
1) I'm not even sure what that means
2) I obviously haven't lost it yet

Oh && it makes me feel better reading all this dumb crap that bothered me so badly before that I obviously got over eventually :]

Of course, of course

wow...so I haven't posted anything in like 10 years.
kay--not really THAT long, but a lot has happened since my last post that mostly everyone, outside of blog world knows about.

My life of the past 5 months of so: (in a nutshell)
-Broke up with Don, of course
-Re-dated Timmy...because I have no judgment skills
-Was incredibly unhappy for about a month
-Broke up with Timmy
-Was incredibly happy for about a month
-Started worrying about everything little thing ever, lost all sense of inspiration, and am just generally back to the bottom of the mood spectra.

What are my most recent worries?
Well, they kinda include (OH HEY! another list)
-not being able to come up with any new amazing ideas for Starship creations
-feeling left out among friends...feeling unneeded
-not being as "inspirational" as I once thought myself to be. That may be completely selfish of me to say, but back in the day, I actually felt like I made a difference on people and actually affected people. (or is it effected??)
I guess that part kind of goes back to feeling unneeded.
-I fear that when I can drive, WHICH WILL BE A WEEK FROM NOW!!, I'll become one of those kids who lose closeness with their family. I'm sure when the time comes I'll find a way to balance friends & family & my so-called-job & school (wait, I won't have that soon...not for 2 months anyway) & chores & everything else together.
I'm sure it will all come as naturally as learning to ride a bike.
I'm incredibly nervous for it now, but once I get it all straightened away, the feeling of freedom will be awesome!
I freak myself over the tiny things...I know this. Yet, I still let them get to me.

I don't want to become one of those kids who is in a constant up and down of life.
I want to go back to being BRI-like (haha)
I'm going to spend a lot of time with the person who knows me best, Farrah. She always knows what to do!
I also came to the realization I was happier when I blogged constantly and could just spill my mind into this page [that I'm very aware
no one ever reads] until I explain everything to myself.

Imma go back to blogging about everything :]

I WILL MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER!
I swear it!
And, I will be better once and for all.

"What we think, we become"

All it takes

*second post today but just a rebuttal to the first one :]

Sometimes, all it takes
is a day spent with someone you really like to make you feel 100x better :D!!

....I wonder how many boyfriends I'll go through in the time period I actually keep my blog going.
I think I've gone through 3 so far.
Not too many considering I've had this blog since the beginning of 2008.

Donald is the new one :D!
Haha I like him. Course, I always say that.
He's just not that typical flaky guy that I usually date. He's confident with himself and definitely hasn't failed to hold back from making the first move.
Which, I like a lot!

He came to get me around 2:30
and we went to McDonalds. The dude working the register was really nice to me and told me my outfit was pretty :]
and he tried to convince me that my order of fries would be twenty bucks and I threatened to go to Burger King XD!
Don started out sitting across from me
and then jumped over to come sit...basically on top of me. So I scooted of a bit and then spilled Coke all over the table.
Yeah, I'm reaaaaallll smooth when it comes to the opposite sex.

I don't feel like going into details of our day
but it was nice ^-^

The whole "lust" stage is my favorite of any relationship
and I wish it stuck around longer than it usually does.
Oh wells.

I think I was going somewhere with this....

OH YEAH!
I feel way better :]!!

Yep!
Ups and downs. All apart of life

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I have the ability to chose exactly who I want to be.
I hate that I can change my style, the music I listen to, the color of my hair, etc.
Why?
Because it's scary as heck!

In a day, I can completely change who I am.
It's up to me how I treat people, who I hang out with, and what thoughts go on in my mind.
I can chose how long I stay locked up in my room or spend my day in general.
I hate making plans because sometimes, I'd just rather stay at home
and watch television with my parents.

I want to be social.
But I want stay in and be friends with my parents.
I don't want to lose the ability of either one of those.
Recently, with the entrance of a boy from Blue Ridge into my life, I'm not home at least one day every weekend.
I kinda hate that too. Although I love hanging out with him; I just want to stay at home.
Like today. I'm kind of dreading 2 hours from now when he gets here.
But I also cannot WAIT for him to get here!

I'm beyond confused with myself right now :[

I kind of hate that I'm wasting so much time sitting down here blogging
instead of being upstairs.
I just now walked upstairs and am sitting with my mom while she's doing taxes.
That makes me feeeel a bit better!

I'm scared I'm going to grow up to be one of those kids who can't stand to leave their parents and gives up every dream they have of their own.
I'm scared of being crazy. Always have been always will be.

Actually, part of last month and so far this month, I've just felt like I'm spiraling down into a life of someone else.
I know it's probably just teenage depression or anxiety or whatever it's called when you're being silly and confused.

I just fear of maturing
and to lose my sense of finding everything in the universe funny.
I liked my carefree nature and I don't want to lose that.
Of course I'm going to have more responsibility as I'm older (that goes without saying) and I know that I have to keep stuff for Starship awesome and in order now too.
But still, I don't want to lose my "Bri-ness"
I'm so scared of becoming drab and boring and completely not being who I am. Maybe I'm not being myself by worrying about not being myself anymore.
I just kinda get the sense that I'm on the outside of my body looking in and I don't even see myself anymore.

It's scary.
I hate it.
I want it to stop and I want to feel better!!

Sometimes I wish I had people who were just like "this is what you're going to look like, think, and say"
just so I didn't have to be so scared of making these decisions myself.

I WANT WINTER GONE! I can't do this cold weather crap anymore DDX
Maybe Spring will bring, along with flowers and beautiful weather, myself back.

The life I want to live.

Farrah actually showed me this video awhile ago but it kind of sums of how I want to live my life when I'm older.
I know it'll probably happen, but I really don't want to become a part of mainstream life.

I want to be indulged in the DIY world.
Be an artist who lives on the top floor of some run down apartment in the middle of the city.
I want to run my own business and love what I do! Never have to answer to anyone and just constantly be surrounded by my friends.
I want to have a best friend or a boyfriend/husband as my partner in crime! If I can find that one person who covers both of those, I'd be set!

The life that most dread,
sounds perfect to me!
Not exactly knowing what the next day will bring.
I want to travel A LOT and have the money to do so! I want to live comfortably but save my money for more important things...not a big huge house that I'll never need.

I'm so excited to grow up
and follow my dreams and never have to explain myself and just do whatever crazy things pop into my head next!

Yep :]

I think I'm partially retarded.

I get so caught up in my own mind, I sometimes don't realize what's going on in the real world.
I don't know.
I'm in way over my head right now.
I have so much planned for Starship and I can't do it by myself...
I can but it'd be so much easier if Farrah helped out with her part =/

I can get it done
buuut I'm having to teach myself
over and over again
my priorities.

FAMILY AND FAMILY RELATED STUFF
SCHOOL
FRIENDS
CLOTHING LINE

Being home for two weeks straight
has made me lose interest in family, school, and friends.
Sooo I've been terribly unbalanced
and now I just feel really really strange.

I'll get re-balanced
starting tomorrow :]
Since it's school day tomorrow! I'm happy for going back to school!
There isn't enough to do at my house to keep me
occupied for two weeks.

I just needed
to write
and reassure myself
I'm not crazy.