Goodbye, Old Friend

I want to thank you for a lovely 2 years of listening to me whine, keep my lire in order, and just overall grow with me.
But I must move on...well, of course, I can't leave my blogging entirely. I'm just moving blog sites and will now be using tumblr so I can keep my fashion/ inspiration blog and personal blog altogether in harmony.
So if anyone would like to join me in the next chapter of bloggin, feel free to follow me at:
j00c3b0xx.tumbler.com

(:

I miss you already!

[[:

-insert "awhhhhh" here-

A lil more bout me...

- I am uncomfortably awkward. I used to believe this was only around people i didn't know very well but I am starting to see that's it is just an all the time thing no matter who I'm around.

- seahorses are one of my favorite animals. Hedgehogs and small fish are also are on that list.


- anything strawberry related is a-okay in my books

- I miss my mom at random times even if she's right upstairs. I know this is going to be one of my biggest downfalls when I move out.

- I am terrified of ever having to live by myself

- i get my feelings hurt a lot over really silly things but I very rarely over let it show

- it makes me really happy when people notice that my hair is slightly different or something else minor about my appearance. I like knowing that people are paying attention sometimes

- in the past few months I've experienced more good stuff than I have in an entire year's time and I think it has been a grand way to spend senior year

- the almost-strangers who offered such sweet comments to me regarding homecoming made everything totally worth it. I do think those people will ever know how much their words mean to me

- I don't like talking about certain aspects of my past

- Ive spent 96% of my time with Cody and it's a rather amazing feeling to just always have him around

- I cant wait for winter. I hate cold weather but I'm excited for tea and movies

- I recently discovered a love for fried okra ( thanks, Farrah!)

- I'd much rather be watching a movie right now

- I can't wait for Scott Pilgrim to come out on DVD

- I've been learning a lot about Christianity recently

- i really want a coexist bumper sticker

that is really all I have to say.

What is life without purpose? What is purpose without love?

You know what's really nice?
Having a boy who actually makes an effort to see me, talk to me everyday, and actually makes me a priority.
I dig him quite a lot (:
And as of tomorrow, we've happily made it through our first month ( which is kinda the only month I consider an actual landmark till 6 months) soooo I'm pretty dang excited haha

I just wanted to blog about how super happy I am! With boy and every other aspect of life - excluding the 8 months I have left in high school.

Oh! For those who don't know, I was voted 1st Runner Up for homecoming this year!
Take that, nay sayers. Haha

Ohhhkay well I'm off to draw and possibly meditate a bit.
I need to clean up the basement so I can take Cody to Wonderroot on Friday.
I can't wait to not have extreme clean freakness looming constantly over my head.
-sigh-

Dear lady who has nothing better to do but sit in parking lots and yell,

I hope you're satisfied. With what, you ask? Well, I hope you're satisfied with your attempts to get me in trouble. I mean, I guess I should apologize for turning around in a parking lot...what ever was I thinking? I mean, yeah totally...I was speeding and endangering everyone's lives and I definitely remember doing donuts in the parking lot and being reckless. I definitely didn't turn around at the end of the parking lot where there were no cars or people so that I could go back up to the gym to drop my friends off. Nope. Definitely didn't happen that way.
You were exactly right in what you told the SOR officer and I really do appreciate you taking the time to call him. Me being the reckless, defiant teenager that I am couldn't of possibly learned a lesson unless the cops were called. And you know, it was a very important lesson I needed to learn - that some people actually can be that pathetic.
So yes, I hope you're satisfied. I hope you're well aware that you kind of ruined my entire day.
And I hope that also satisfies you.

Good day,
Bri

how does it feel to one of the beautiful people?

Mum keeps yelling at me because my answer to the question of
"why are you reading Helter Skelter?"
is
"because I love Charles Manson!"

She says I don't love him, I just find him interesting.
Either or.


I guess I "find Charles Manson interesting"




favorite line from the book thus far:
"Autopsy reports are abrupt documents. Cold, factual, they can indicate how the victims died, and give clues as to their last hours, but nowhere in them do their subjects emerge, even briefly, as people. Each report is, in its own way, the sum total of a life, yet there are very few glimspes as to how that life was lived. No likes, dislikes, loves, hates, fears, aspirations, or other human emotions; just a final, clinical summing up: "The body is normally developed...The pancreas is grossly unremarkable...The heat weighs 340 grams and is symmetrical..."
Yet the victims had lived, each had a past."

Strange Day.

For starters, I woke up really early on the first go-round.
My parents were working on my studio wall which is right outside my bedroom (please note I'd already forced myself to stay asleep while dogs were barking and a random man was yelling across my living room ((I later found out that he was the Dish guy)))
So I walked out of my room and glared at my parents and just kinda despised everything in the world (please also note that my phone was taken away the previous night)
Well, after getting tired of my glaring, Mom told me to go back to sleep...so I did.
I turned on some Converge so it'd block out all the other sounds in my house.
I think I was asleep for about another 2 hours and had a super strange dream that involved breaking everything of value to me, crashing my car, and killing Cody.
Technically, I didn't kill him but it was my fault he was dead.

Story time?
I'd say so.
So in my dream, my parents asked me to take the garbage trailer we have (which is huge) somewhere. For some reason, I went to Ingles and randomly saw Cody there. Well, when I tried to break to say hey to him, the trailer crashed into my car and totaled it.
Cody got in my car then and we came to my house. My mom was cool with him being there but when my dad woke up, I had to yell at Cody to leave really fast before my dad saw him. I had forgotten his car was still at Ingles but when I did remember, I ran outside to tell him I'd drive him to his car.
But he was gone. So I spent a really long time looking for him (as well as accidentally smashing my phone and ipad). Well, I eventually ran down to the bridge at the end of my road and saw a bunch of police people and other folks standing around.
I asked this random lady who my dream made out to be Cody's mom what had happened
and she said he had gotten hit by a car and was dead.
Sooooooooo flashing back to real life,
I woke up and was panicking (cause, as we already stated, I didn't have my phone so I couldn't just call Cody and make sure he was actually okay).
So I ran out to my studio where my parents still were and tried to explain this to them but started crying in the middle of it and cried off and on for about 20 minutes
till Mom managed to convince me that Cody isn't actually dead.

So yeah.
I was going to go into further detail about why my day was weird but now that I read that, I think anyone can understand how a day would be strange after it starting out like that.




BUT ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT NOTE!
I met Cody's family last night and it was a pretty amazing evening :]
they seemed to like me and I got to spend all evening with Cody which is always nice.


That is all.

Thoughts floating around my noggin

- I really wonder what it'd be like to be on the receiving end of the words "you're everything I've been searching for"
It'd be nice to just know that people are still looking for other people. I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my mind.
I think I've been listening to too much mewithoutYou.
- I've been flirting with the idea of getting a sunflower tattooed on the top of my foot. Yes, I'm aware it would hurt. Thanks for your input in advance.
- I think it'd be nice to stop trying to impress people. Of course, still be nice to everyone but just stop going out of my way to make everyone like me.
- Try some new things. Be a bit more reckless and open to new adventures than I have been in the past
- I need some super major change!!!!!!!
- I need to find something that'd be nice to change in my life
- If I had a hedgehog and snail silly band, I'd be super happy. I just got my strawberry one and it has yet to leave my wrist....I wonder if they have a sunflower band.
- I want to become an active part of a lot more art related organizations.
- I want to start having a bit more confidence in my artwork and actually start submitting it to places. First step: Wonderroot Open Submission Gallery.
- I need to meditate more
- Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I need more of it.
-Tea. Tea. Tea. I need more of it.
- Time. Time. Time. I need more of it.
- I also wanna keep up with my twitter more.
- I REALLY need to work on Starship stuff. It always takes a backseat once school starts and I really miss it.
- 8 months till I'm 18!
- I really want a fancy Sherlock Holmes pipe. Not to actually smoke or anything but just to carry around. I think it'd be a nice additional to any outfit.
- I need to start taking better care of my body all around
- Calm down and stop putting so much on my plate at once

nooooooooooooo!

my wisdom teeth "must be removed ASAP"
I repeat:
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I'm terrified of surgery!

Luckily, I don't have to actually start worrying till I get home from the cruise in December but still...

I have so much on my "to do" list and the due date for everything on said list is coming quickly.
sooooo why don't I feel panicked at all?
why am I still just sitting around wasting time that I don't exactly have?

My favorite phrase lately has been
"setting myself up for disaster"
which yes, sounds like a horrible phrase to say but for some reason, it's not bothering me either.

I'm also foolishly adding more stuff to my list such as deciding to design and make my homecoming dress rather than just buying it.

-_-

Best Week Ever

Friday, it was announced I made the homecoming court which I'm really excited about and keep talking about.
Cody and I spent awhile last night picking out possible homecoming dresses while watching Clash of The Titans (which is an awesome movie, btw).
We basically decided on a light blue short dress. I'm hoping to have time to make my dress!

Yesterday was the first edition of Autumnfest and it pretty much dominated!
The band list included:
Kaleidoscope
Casual Dinosaur
and This is Harris

We had a pretty big crowd with a lot new faces and it was just all around awesome
and a grand way to sum up an amazing week!


This is Harris:


The crowd:


Skye's rather nice creeper photography:


Casual Dinosaur:


Although I've had requests for a Winterfest, I think I'm going to hold off.
I don't have a location that isn't outdoors and I personally hate being outside in the cold sooooo tune in next year for Springfest!
[:

the easy way out.

I promised myself and whoever may of read it that I would make a new "about me" soon. But, I'm lazy and couldn't think of too much that was important to know about me that wasn't already included in my last blog. So I stole a survey from myspace and am going to use it as the new about me and you can now learn my thoughts on stuff that someone else in the world felt like important things one should know about another.

Where do you go to shop for clothes?
Wal Mart, thrift stores, and anywhere else I can afford

Do you buy your own groceries?
not yet, thankfully.
although when I do, I'm going to partake in a much healthier diet and hopefully take up the hobby of gardening and producing a good bit of my own vegetables and fruits.

Do you think people talk about you behind you're back?
I'm sure they do...it's high school.

When's the last time you had a sour gummy worm?
I really dislike those things - I more of a original gummy worm kinda gal

Whats your favorite fruit?
strawberries!

If there was a fire, what would be the first thing you would grab?
probably my teddy bear. or so I would hope. without him, I would be completely devastated for a long time

Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
nope

Have you ever tried to build something?
Sure!
I mean, nothing of great importance like a house or a bridge but I like to stack things on top of other things to make walls.

Do you play with legos?
not really anymore. but back in the day, they were my main media for wall building

Do you play with barbies?
I was never much of a Barbie kid.
I had lots, yeah
but I would of much rather been outside with my dinosaur figure making it devour grass, flowers, and other random things that the ground produced

Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
I don't think I have one

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I do!
He's rather spectacular c:

Would you rather have blue skin or purple skin?
if I could have light blue, I choose blue

Have you ever gotten a sunburn?
mhmm

Have you eaten snow?
mhmmm! lemon flavor is my favorite
d:

Have you watched Star Wars, any of the six?
mhmmm

Do you have a fuzzy pen?
probably somewhere in my room, yes

Do you fix your bed?
I don't have a bed. I have a mattress on the floor - it requires no fixing

What color are your bedsheets?
purple, blue, white, pink, and some other colors thrown in

Do you wear slippers?
no.
I hate slippers so much. They make my feet uncomfortably warm

What is the coolest lamp you own?
I am not a huge fan of lamps...I mean, I don't have any I don't think.
Just my ceiling light

What's your favorite flower?
sunflowers!
the first boy to get me a bouquet of sunflowers will have my heart forever.
yes, surprisingly, I'm /that/ easy to please.
Haha!

Did you go or do you want to go to prom?
I would like to go to my senior prom, yeah.
I skipped my junior prom though

What does your tissue box look like?
who needs tissues when you have a sleeve?


Did you ever open a lemonade stand?
I did when I was in Ohio but it wasn't my idea or planning.
nor did I know exactly what we were doing...I was just told to sit behind this wagon all day.

Do you listen to classical music?
when I'm working on essays, yes

What's the longest book you've read?
I have no idea.
I read a lot of books.

What smiley best represents you?
"The smile that I do.
In real life."

What do you do when you are stuck?
get unstuck....?

Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
no. all my noodles are perfectly sane, thank you very much.

Do you have your own pool?
My family has a pool...does that count?

Do you have a website where you put your pictures on?
facebook, myspace, and photobucket.

Do you watch Spongebob?
mhmmm
it's my favorite!

What kind of car do you want?
2006 Scion XB
ohhhhh wait, I have one of those [:

Last food you ate?
it was a taco.

Do you make presents?
I do, yes.

Do you make your own jewelry?
not really

How many questions are left in this survey?
I don't know, yo

Are you in advanced classes?
yep!
which is why I have a fancy iPad now [;

Do people consider you as smart?
According to Cody I'm "too smart for him"
so yeah, I guess Cody does.
Haha!

Do you collect anything?
Dr. Strange comic books

Do you collect a series of a certain book?
.....if comic books count then I've already answered this

What time is it?
10:22pm

Is your away message on?
is you on?

Do a lot of your friends have xanga?
nope

Do you have premium?
shut up.

Have you ever been to Jamaica?
no thanks

Do you make your own cards?
yes.
I always draw my cards and write my own meaningful messages in them.
I don't need some strange millions of miles away telling me how I should feel about my loved ones on certain occasions.

Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
yes. I succeeded too

What was the stupidest thing you've done?
your mom
ohhhhhhhhhbuuurrrnnnnnnn +2,000pts for original joke!

How many languages do you know?
English and a little bit of Spanish

Can you skip stones?
as of a few months ago, yes

What's the weather like?
it's quite chilly. HANG ON!
I'll ask my iPad [;
it's 70degrees right now and kinda cloudy

What did you do?
what DIDN'T I do?


Have you eaten breakfast yet?
I had a donut about 13 hours ago for breakfast

What did you eat?
darn.

What do you see when you like out the window or door?
darkness

Have you exercised?
mhmm

What do you plan to do for the rest of the day or tomorrow?
sleep
then wake up and go to school

When did you wake up?
6:45am

Have you eaten lunch yet?
I ate lunch about 8 hours ago

Have you gone out to eat and where?
I ate dinner at Taco Bell in Murphy

Did you buy anything?
a taco

Has something changed drastically today?
not really

Are you happy?
extremely, yes [:

Did you sing aloud today?
mhmmm

Did you talk to a friend on the phone?
not that I recall

How many times have you gone to the bathroom so far?
I have no idea

Have you taken a nap?
nope

What are you listening to at the moment?
Fly Me Away - Annie Little

What is one thing that happened today that you will never forget?
today wasn't all that memorable.
I got my iPad but I'm sure I'll forget that I go it on this very day unless I right it down somewhere.
August 5, 2k10.
there.

Is anyone in the room with you?
nope

Are you feeling lazy?
I'm exhausted

Are you feeling bored?
I'm exhausted

What have you accomplished today?
I wrote a pretty awesome paper and made 100 on my algebra 3 quiz

so there you go!
I hope you feel super caught up in my life ^-^

Oh and I'm currently a pretty big Of Mice & Men fan


other random stuff:
this has been the best week I've had in awhile. I am super happy in my relationship with Cody and I'm always smiling over dumb stuff I remember about him and I'm actually kinda bothered at the moment because I didn't really get to talk to him at all today.
Autumnfest is coming up at the end of this week as well as the first football game for my last season of color guard.
Everything is fantastic and wonderful [:

Decisions, Decisions

if only life were as easy as Dragon Quest 9. I would choose to fight monsters in a purple fur poncho and all would be right in the world.

Oh and to start this blog off right, I offer you a flashback of mine.
I often forget how much I love Tales of Mere Existence.
This is my personal favorite:


and darnit.
I spent so long watching Tales videos that I forgot what the point of this blog was.

So we fell in love, & ran away

I said we will return, she said some distant day.

I would just like to mark this point in time as a time that I am incredibly happy.
With everything.
With where it's all headed.
With where it's all at.
Ya know, everything

The opening stanza of this poem really stuck with me, for some reason.
I spent a really long time hunting it down after Krieger showed it to us in class today.
So, to ensure I don't lose it again, I'll make it a cozy home in my blog

First Grade
by Ron Koertge

Until then, every forest
had wolves in it, we thought
it would be fun to wear snowshoes
all the time, and we could talk to water.

So who is this woman with the gray
breath calling out names and pointing
to the little desks we will occupy
for the rest of our lives?

Hi, Senior Year. Nice to see you!

So I haven't really updated anything having to do with school...or events of life at all lately.
I'm going to try and make time for another "self evaluation" blog. Much like this one: http://izzyvon.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-name-is-brianna-rawley.html
just to kind of recenter myself in my brain and, as a good friend told me a few weeks ago, it's always good to anchor yourself and make sure you don't lose the real you.

In the meantime, let's see here...
senior year started Friday and today was my first "official" day of classes and coming to the sad realization I spend my entire day running from one class to the next. Literally running...they're all so far away from each other and I only hope "A" day classes don't have the same fate.

I filled out my first college application and now just need to remember to withdraw $100 from my savings so I can send it in. Oh along with a bit of my portfolio in hopes on them giving me some scholarships or, at least, allowing me to exempt a few courses. My heart is set on San Fransisco. The post right below this one has to do with that. It's honestly not just that it's far away from here...if here gave me the same opportunities, I'd be a bit more willing to stay.
But even SCAD can't offer me the same benefits.
Advantages of going to The Academy in San Fransisco:
- If I work off my butt off to get to the top of my class, my work gets featured in New York Fashion Week in front of the most important people in fashion ever.
- Seniors get to put together 3 fashion shows throughout the year. The Academy invites big name designers to come and see the students' works and, possibly, choose some interns.
- They focus very much on real world industry. Not just teaching you how to design correctly but also working with you every step of the way in order to push you into the industry
- With housing & everything included, it's half the cost of SCAD per year

But anyway, moving on.
That Cody boy who has been popping up in recent blogs, is, as of the 14th, my official partner in crime as I set out on this insane school year. He's already lived through it so I'm sure it'll be extra nice to have him around.
Plus, he's really interesting and I'm diggin' his strong religious beliefs and high morals.
If by any off chance he sees this, I don't want to raise his ego too much so I'll cut off with saying nice things about him for now. Haha

Teachers apparently think it's really funny to constantly bring up the fact that "real life is here...you no longer have high school to hide behind."
Talk about financial aid, student loans, college applications, etc
is really freaking me out. But I think I got it covered.
As long as I do what my heart tells me to do, I'll figure out the technicalities when they come.

My very last first football game is next Friday, August 27th.
Autumnfest is August 28th.
So I'll update you on all that fun stuff when it comes up!

Till then, I'm going to continue to bounce around and pretend like I have everything all figured out. And ya know, just enjoy one day at a time.
"don't worry about the future. or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum"
:]

I promise, I'm not running away.
I'm following my dreams and building a life for myself.
And following what I believe to be in my best intentions and what will make me happiest.

oh doubters...let's go down, down to the river to pray

a friend asked me a few days ago if I had ever been criticized for my religious beliefs or if anyone had ever tried to convert me...all that jazz.
I told him no. My best friend of 7 years is a devoted Christian and there is about 5 different religious beliefs streaming through my family.
We all accept and love each other regardless of our beliefs.

But the more I thought about it...the more I realized I, unintentionally, lied to said friend.
In all honesty, I've never felt worse for my beliefs than I do in this time period.
I constantly feel like I'm somewhat letting down a new friend of mine because I don't understand Christianity.
And I also feel like I make yet another friend totally uncomfortable by attempting to understand Mormonism.


I know it may be silly and I do feel like I'm being much too hard on myself...I mean, we can't please everyone and Buddhism clearly states that you have to be happy with yourself before anyone else will be.

I can't really explain how I feel. My mind is jumbled up at the moment. I was hoping that mentioning it to my blog that my mind would start to work itself out but so far, no such luck.

I really just feel like I'm down in some deep hole with my arms outstretched hoping someone will come along and pull me out. But instead, there is just a lot of people standing around the perimeter of the hole laughing.

But I do realize that I /am/ being far too hard on myself.

& in limbo, I stopped being alone

I've been listening to old imadethismistake music for weeks now. i love it oh so much


my pug dog can apparently sense that my mood is down in the dumps tonight...
she won't leave my side and if I lay down on the couch, she puts her head next to me and stares at me with her bugged out eyes.
and she's definitely right.
today sucked. to say the least.

I woke up really early because my body was fighting me to go back to sleep.
I had a horrible nightmare last night and woke up about 4:30am shaking and ran upstairs to talk to Dad.
I've had this nightmare before...well part of it.
There has been this guy who is about my age and super cute that shows up in my dreams every now and then. The only downside is that he's chasing me and trying to kill me.
before last night, I've always managed to safely get away but for some reason last night, I decided to stop running and I remember saying "I'm not going anywhere...just do it...I quit."
so he ran up to me with a knife and cut me right on my jugular vein and I died instantly.
For those who have seen Inception, it is apparently true that if you die in a first-stage dream, you wake up.
And when I did wake up, my neck hurt really badly right where the cut wound had been in my dream.
I also remember before that in the dream, the boy and I were standing in a theater and I was hugging him and I told him that I liked him and he said "that's the point. you're supposed to...that way you can truly hate me later"
It's really rare I remember actual dialogue from a dream so I've been over analyzing it all day now.

Oh and according to a dream analyzer, my dream means that all this time I've been running from something in order to not get emotionally hurt and now, something is blocking me from running anymore so I turned to face my fears but they overcame me.
So apparently....I take it as I can't let anything, in reality, get in my way of running (although running away from your problems is super unhealthy, I know)
cause if I stop, a cute boy is going to come and kill me.
Which I've heard it even more unhealthy.

But anyway, moving on with my day.
I woke up about 9 and cleaned up the house a bit and got dressed to go meet with Cody (I had hoped it would rather soon in the day).
I worked on a skirt for awhile only to realize that I needed to run to the store to buy a zipper...which, for the record, I didn't do.
I went to my G-ma's instead and visited with her for a few hours.
then came home and got ready for color guard practice.
Since I couldn't see Cody before practice, we made plans to see each other after practice which, thanks to lack of communication, never happened.

So my day basically fell apart and I'm exhausted and moody and am in one of those moods that every song lyric I hear applies to my life right now.
Haha

oh well.
My last week of summer and I've realized that everything I wanted to do this week, I have no time for.
Friday it's back to school.
I still have an English paper and a skirt to get done this week.
And possibly get some some thrifting time in and school supplies.
Maybe.

So yep!
That's the run down as of now.
I really need sleep.