that place between sleep and awake.

Goodbye, Old Friend

2010-09-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

I want to thank you for a lovely 2 years of listening to me whine, keep my lire in order, and just overall grow with me.
But I must move on...well, of course, I can't leave my blogging entirely. I'm just moving blog sites and will now be using tumblr so I can keep my fashion/ inspiration blog and personal blog altogether in harmony.
So if anyone would like to join me in the next chapter of bloggin, feel free to follow me at:
j00c3b0xx.tumbler.com

(:

I miss you already!

[[:

2010-09-19T15:39:00.001-07:00

-insert "awhhhhh" here-

A lil more bout me...

2010-09-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

- I am uncomfortably awkward. I used to believe this was only around people i didn't know very well but I am starting to see that's it is just an all the time thing no matter who I'm around.

- seahorses are one of my favorite animals. Hedgehogs and small fish are also are on that list.

- anything strawberry related is a-okay in my books

- I miss my mom at random times even if she's right upstairs. I know this is going to be one of my biggest downfalls when I move out.

- I am terrified of ever having to live by myself

- i get my feelings hurt a lot over really silly things but I very rarely over let it show

- it makes me really happy when people notice that my hair is slightly different or something else minor about my appearance. I like knowing that people are paying attention sometimes

- in the past few months I've experienced more good stuff than I have in an entire year's time and I think it has been a grand way to spend senior year

- the almost-strangers who offered such sweet comments to me regarding homecoming made everything totally worth it. I do think those people will ever know how much their words mean to me

- I don't like talking about certain aspects of my past

- Ive spent 96% of my time with Cody and it's a rather amazing feeling to just always have him around

- I cant wait for winter. I hate cold weather but I'm excited for tea and movies

- I recently discovered a love for fried okra ( thanks, Farrah!)

- I'd much rather be watching a movie right now

- I can't wait for Scott Pilgrim to come out on DVD

- I've been learning a lot about Christianity recently

- i really want a coexist bumper sticker

2010-09-15T19:04:00.001-07:00

that is really all I have to say.

What is life without purpose? What is purpose without love?

2010-09-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

You know what's really nice?
Having a boy who actually makes an effort to see me, talk to me everyday, and actually makes me a priority.
I dig him quite a lot (:
And as of tomorrow, we've happily made it through our first month ( which is kinda the only month I consider an actual landmark till 6 months) soooo I'm pretty dang excited haha

I just wanted to blog about how super happy I am! With boy and every other aspect of life - excluding the 8 months I have left in high school.

Oh! For those who don't know, I was voted 1st Runner Up for homecoming this year!
Take that, nay sayers. Haha

Ohhhkay well I'm off to draw and possibly meditate a bit.
I need to clean up the basement so I can take Cody to Wonderroot on Friday.
I can't wait to not have extreme clean freakness looming constantly over my head.
-sigh-

2010-09-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dear lady who has nothing better to do but sit in parking lots and yell,

I hope you're satisfied. With what, you ask? Well, I hope you're satisfied with your attempts to get me in trouble. I mean, I guess I should apologize for turning around in a parking lot...what ever was I thinking? I mean, yeah totally...I was speeding and endangering everyone's lives and I definitely remember doing donuts in the parking lot and being reckless. I definitely didn't turn around at the end of the parking lot where there were no cars or people so that I could go back up to the gym to drop my friends off. Nope. Definitely didn't happen that way.
You were exactly right in what you told the SOR officer and I really do appreciate you taking the time to call him. Me being the reckless, defiant teenager that I am couldn't of possibly learned a lesson unless the cops were called. And you know, it was a very important lesson I needed to learn - that some people actually can be that pathetic.
So yes, I hope you're satisfied. I hope you're well aware that you kind of ruined my entire day.
And I hope that also satisfies you.

Good day,
Bri

how does it feel to one of the beautiful people?

2010-09-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Mum keeps yelling at me because my answer to the question of
"why are you reading Helter Skelter?"
is
"because I love Charles Manson!"

She says I don't love him, I just find him interesting.
Either or.

I guess I "find Charles Manson interesting"

favorite line from the book thus far:
"Autopsy reports are abrupt documents. Cold, factual, they can indicate how the victims died, and give clues as to their last hours, but nowhere in them do their subjects emerge, even briefly, as people. Each report is, in its own way, the sum total of a life, yet there are very few glimspes as to how that life was lived. No likes, dislikes, loves, hates, fears, aspirations, or other human emotions; just a final, clinical summing up: "The body is normally developed...The pancreas is grossly unremarkable...The heat weighs 340 grams and is symmetrical..."
Yet the victims had lived, each had a past."

Strange Day.

2010-09-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

For starters, I woke up really early on the first go-round.
My parents were working on my studio wall which is right outside my bedroom (please note I'd already forced myself to stay asleep while dogs were barking and a random man was yelling across my living room ((I later found out that he was the Dish guy)))
So I walked out of my room and glared at my parents and just kinda despised everything in the world (please also note that my phone was taken away the previous night)
Well, after getting tired of my glaring, Mom told me to go back to sleep...so I did.
I turned on some Converge so it'd block out all the other sounds in my house.
I think I was asleep for about another 2 hours and had a super strange dream that involved breaking everything of value to me, crashing my car, and killing Cody.
Technically, I didn't kill him but it was my fault he was dead.

Story time?
I'd say so.
So in my dream, my parents asked me to take the garbage trailer we have (which is huge) somewhere. For some reason, I went to Ingles and randomly saw Cody there. Well, when I tried to break to say hey to him, the trailer crashed into my car and totaled it.
Cody got in my car then and we came to my house. My mom was cool with him being there but when my dad woke up, I had to yell at Cody to leave really fast before my dad saw him. I had forgotten his car was still at Ingles but when I did remember, I ran outside to tell him I'd drive him to his car.
But he was gone. So I spent a really long time looking for him (as well as accidentally smashing my phone and ipad). Well, I eventually ran down to the bridge at the end of my road and saw a bunch of police people and other folks standing around.
I asked this random lady who my dream made out to be Cody's mom what had happened
and she said he had gotten hit by a car and was dead.
Sooooooooo flashing back to real life,
I woke up and was panicking (cause, as we already stated, I didn't have my phone so I couldn't just call Cody and make sure he was actually okay).
So I ran out to my studio where my parents still were and tried to explain this to them but started crying in the middle of it and cried off and on for about 20 minutes
till Mom managed to convince me that Cody isn't actually dead.

So yeah.
I was going to go into further detail about why my day was weird but now that I read that, I think anyone can understand how a day would be strange after it starting out like that.

BUT ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT NOTE!
I met Cody's family last night and it was a pretty amazing evening :]
they seemed to like me and I got to spend all evening with Cody which is always nice.

That is all.

Thoughts floating around my noggin

2010-09-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

- I really wonder what it'd be like to be on the receiving end of the words "you're everything I've been searching for"
It'd be nice to just know that people are still looking for other people. I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my mind.
I think I've been listening to too much mewithoutYou.
- I've been flirting with the idea of getting a sunflower tattooed on the top of my foot. Yes, I'm aware it would hurt. Thanks for your input in advance.
- I think it'd be nice to stop trying to impress people. Of course, still be nice to everyone but just stop going out of my way to make everyone like me.
- Try some new things. Be a bit more reckless and open to new adventures than I have been in the past
- I need some super major change!!!!!!!
- I need to find something that'd be nice to change in my life
- If I had a hedgehog and snail silly band, I'd be super happy. I just got my strawberry one and it has yet to leave my wrist....I wonder if they have a sunflower band.
- I want to become an active part of a lot more art related organizations.
- I want to start having a bit more confidence in my artwork and actually start submitting it to places. First step: Wonderroot Open Submission Gallery.
- I need to meditate more
- Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I need more of it.
-Tea. Tea. Tea. I need more of it.
- Time. Time. Time. I need more of it.
- I also wanna keep up with my twitter more.
- I REALLY need to work on Starship stuff. It always takes a backseat once school starts and I really miss it.
- 8 months till I'm 18!
- I really want a fancy Sherlock Holmes pipe. Not to actually smoke or anything but just to carry around. I think it'd be a nice additional to any outfit.
- I need to start taking better care of my body all around
- Calm down and stop putting so much on my plate at once

nooooooooooooo!

2010-09-01T14:53:00.001-07:00

my wisdom teeth "must be removed ASAP"
I repeat:
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I'm terrified of surgery!

Luckily, I don't have to actually start worrying till I get home from the cruise in December but still...

2010-08-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have so much on my "to do" list and the due date for everything on said list is coming quickly.
sooooo why don't I feel panicked at all?
why am I still just sitting around wasting time that I don't exactly have?

My favorite phrase lately has been
"setting myself up for disaster"
which yes, sounds like a horrible phrase to say but for some reason, it's not bothering me either.

I'm also foolishly adding more stuff to my list such as deciding to design and make my homecoming dress rather than just buying it.

-_-

Best Week Ever

2010-08-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Friday, it was announced I made the homecoming court which I'm really excited about and keep talking about.
Cody and I spent awhile last night picking out possible homecoming dresses while watching Clash of The Titans (which is an awesome movie, btw).
We basically decided on a light blue short dress. I'm hoping to have time to make my dress!

Yesterday was the first edition of Autumnfest and it pretty much dominated!
The band list included:
Kaleidoscope
Casual Dinosaur
and This is Harris

We had a pretty big crowd with a lot new faces and it was just all around awesome
and a grand way to sum up an amazing week!

This is Harris:

The crowd:

Skye's rather nice creeper photography:

Casual Dinosaur:

Although I've had requests for a Winterfest, I think I'm going to hold off.
I don't have a location that isn't outdoors and I personally hate being outside in the cold sooooo tune in next year for Springfest!
[:

the easy way out.

2010-08-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I promised myself and whoever may of read it that I would make a new "about me" soon. But, I'm lazy and couldn't think of too much that was important to know about me that wasn't already included in my last blog. So I stole a survey from myspace and am going to use it as the new about me and you can now learn my thoughts on stuff that someone else in the world felt like important things one should know about another.

Where do you go to shop for clothes?
Wal Mart, thrift stores, and anywhere else I can afford

Do you buy your own groceries?
not yet, thankfully.
although when I do, I'm going to partake in a much healthier diet and hopefully take up the hobby of gardening and producing a good bit of my own vegetables and fruits.

Do you think people talk about you behind you're back?
I'm sure they do...it's high school.

When's the last time you had a sour gummy worm?
I really dislike those things - I more of a original gummy worm kinda gal

Whats your favorite fruit?
strawberries!

If there was a fire, what would be the first thing you would grab?
probably my teddy bear. or so I would hope. without him, I would be completely devastated for a long time

Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
nope

Have you ever tried to build something?
Sure!
I mean, nothing of great importance like a house or a bridge but I like to stack things on top of other things to make walls.

Do you play with legos?
not really anymore. but back in the day, they were my main media for wall building

Do you play with barbies?
I was never much of a Barbie kid.
I had lots, yeah
but I would of much rather been outside with my dinosaur figure making it devour grass, flowers, and other random things that the ground produced

Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
I don't think I have one

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I do!
He's rather spectacular c:

Would you rather have blue skin or purple skin?
if I could have light blue, I choose blue

Have you ever gotten a sunburn?
mhmm

Have you eaten snow?
mhmmm! lemon flavor is my favorite
d:

Have you watched Star Wars, any of the six?
mhmmm

Do you have a fuzzy pen?
probably somewhere in my room, yes

Do you fix your bed?
I don't have a bed. I have a mattress on the floor - it requires no fixing

What color are your bedsheets?
purple, blue, white, pink, and some other colors thrown in

Do you wear slippers?
no.
I hate slippers so much. They make my feet uncomfortably warm

What is the coolest lamp you own?
I am not a huge fan of lamps...I mean, I don't have any I don't think.
Just my ceiling light

What's your favorite flower?
sunflowers!
the first boy to get me a bouquet of sunflowers will have my heart forever.
yes, surprisingly, I'm /that/ easy to please.
Haha!

Did you go or do you want to go to prom?
I would like to go to my senior prom, yeah.
I skipped my junior prom though

What does your tissue box look like?
who needs tissues when you have a sleeve?

Did you ever open a lemonade stand?
I did when I was in Ohio but it wasn't my idea or planning.
nor did I know exactly what we were doing...I was just told to sit behind this wagon all day.

Do you listen to classical music?
when I'm working on essays, yes

What's the longest book you've read?
I have no idea.
I read a lot of books.

What smiley best represents you?
"The smile that I do.
In real life."

What do you do when you are stuck?
get unstuck....?

Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
no. all my noodles are perfectly sane, thank you very much.

Do you have your own pool?
My family has a pool...does that count?

Do you have a website where you put your pictures on?
facebook, myspace, and photobucket.

Do you watch Spongebob?
mhmmm
it's my favorite!

What kind of car do you want?
2006 Scion XB
ohhhhh wait, I have one of those [:

Last food you ate?
it was a taco.

Do you make presents?
I do, yes.

Do you make your own jewelry?
not really

How many questions are left in this survey?
I don't know, yo

Are you in advanced classes?
yep!
which is why I have a fancy iPad now [;

Do people consider you as smart?
According to Cody I'm "too smart for him"
so yeah, I guess Cody does.
Haha!

Do you collect anything?
Dr. Strange comic books

Do you collect a series of a certain book?
.....if comic books count then I've already answered this

What time is it?
10:22pm

Is your away message on?
is you on?

Do a lot of your friends have xanga?
nope

Do you have premium?
shut up.

Have you ever been to Jamaica?
no thanks

Do you make your own cards?
yes.
I always draw my cards and write my own meaningful messages in them.
I don't need some strange millions of miles away telling me how I should feel about my loved ones on certain occasions.

Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
yes. I succeeded too

What was the stupidest thing you've done?
your mom
ohhhhhhhhhbuuurrrnnnnnnn +2,000pts for original joke!

How many languages do you know?
English and a little bit of Spanish

Can you skip stones?
as of a few months ago, yes

What's the weather like?
it's quite chilly. HANG ON!
I'll ask my iPad [;
it's 70degrees right now and kinda cloudy

What did you do?
what DIDN'T I do?

Have you eaten breakfast yet?
I had a donut about 13 hours ago for breakfast

What did you eat?
darn.

What do you see when you like out the window or door?
darkness

Have you exercised?
mhmm

What do you plan to do for the rest of the day or tomorrow?
sleep
then wake up and go to school

When did you wake up?
6:45am

Have you eaten lunch yet?
I ate lunch about 8 hours ago

Have you gone out to eat and where?
I ate dinner at Taco Bell in Murphy

Did you buy anything?
a taco

Has something changed drastically today?
not really

Are you happy?
extremely, yes [:

Did you sing aloud today?
mhmmm

Did you talk to a friend on the phone?
not that I recall

How many times have you gone to the bathroom so far?
I have no idea

Have you taken a nap?
nope

What are you listening to at the moment?
Fly Me Away - Annie Little

What is one thing that happened today that you will never forget?
today wasn't all that memorable.
I got my iPad but I'm sure I'll forget that I go it on this very day unless I right it down somewhere.
August 5, 2k10.
there.

Is anyone in the room with you?
nope

Are you feeling lazy?
I'm exhausted

Are you feeling bored?
I'm exhausted

What have you accomplished today?
I wrote a pretty awesome paper and made 100 on my algebra 3 quiz

so there you go!
I hope you feel super caught up in my life ^-^

Oh and I'm currently a pretty big Of Mice & Men fan

other random stuff:
this has been the best week I've had in awhile. I am super happy in my relationship with Cody and I'm always smiling over dumb stuff I remember about him and I'm actually kinda bothered at the moment because I didn't really get to talk to him at all today.
Autumnfest is coming up at the end of this week as well as the first football game for my last season of color guard.
Everything is fantastic and wonderful [:

Decisions, Decisions

2010-08-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

if only life were as easy as Dragon Quest 9. I would choose to fight monsters in a purple fur poncho and all would be right in the world.

Oh and to start this blog off right, I offer you a flashback of mine.
I often forget how much I love Tales of Mere Existence.
This is my personal favorite:

and darnit.
I spent so long watching Tales videos that I forgot what the point of this blog was.

So we fell in love, & ran away

2010-08-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

I said we will return, she said some distant day.

I would just like to mark this point in time as a time that I am incredibly happy.
With everything.
With where it's all headed.
With where it's all at.
Ya know, everything

2010-08-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

The opening stanza of this poem really stuck with me, for some reason.
I spent a really long time hunting it down after Krieger showed it to us in class today.
So, to ensure I don't lose it again, I'll make it a cozy home in my blog

First Grade
by Ron Koertge

Until then, every forest
had wolves in it, we thought
it would be fun to wear snowshoes
all the time, and we could talk to water.

So who is this woman with the gray
breath calling out names and pointing
to the little desks we will occupy
for the rest of our lives?

Hi, Senior Year. Nice to see you!

2010-08-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

So I haven't really updated anything having to do with school...or events of life at all lately.
I'm going to try and make time for another "self evaluation" blog. Much like this one: http://izzyvon.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-name-is-brianna-rawley.html
just to kind of recenter myself in my brain and, as a good friend told me a few weeks ago, it's always good to anchor yourself and make sure you don't lose the real you.

In the meantime, let's see here...
senior year started Friday and today was my first "official" day of classes and coming to the sad realization I spend my entire day running from one class to the next. Literally running...they're all so far away from each other and I only hope "A" day classes don't have the same fate.

I filled out my first college application and now just need to remember to withdraw $100 from my savings so I can send it in. Oh along with a bit of my portfolio in hopes on them giving me some scholarships or, at least, allowing me to exempt a few courses. My heart is set on San Fransisco. The post right below this one has to do with that. It's honestly not just that it's far away from here...if here gave me the same opportunities, I'd be a bit more willing to stay.
But even SCAD can't offer me the same benefits.
Advantages of going to The Academy in San Fransisco:
- If I work off my butt off to get to the top of my class, my work gets featured in New York Fashion Week in front of the most important people in fashion ever.
- Seniors get to put together 3 fashion shows throughout the year. The Academy invites big name designers to come and see the students' works and, possibly, choose some interns.
- They focus very much on real world industry. Not just teaching you how to design correctly but also working with you every step of the way in order to push you into the industry
- With housing & everything included, it's half the cost of SCAD per year

But anyway, moving on.
That Cody boy who has been popping up in recent blogs, is, as of the 14th, my official partner in crime as I set out on this insane school year. He's already lived through it so I'm sure it'll be extra nice to have him around.
Plus, he's really interesting and I'm diggin' his strong religious beliefs and high morals.
If by any off chance he sees this, I don't want to raise his ego too much so I'll cut off with saying nice things about him for now. Haha

Teachers apparently think it's really funny to constantly bring up the fact that "real life is here...you no longer have high school to hide behind."
Talk about financial aid, student loans, college applications, etc
is really freaking me out. But I think I got it covered.
As long as I do what my heart tells me to do, I'll figure out the technicalities when they come.

My very last first football game is next Friday, August 27th.
Autumnfest is August 28th.
So I'll update you on all that fun stuff when it comes up!

Till then, I'm going to continue to bounce around and pretend like I have everything all figured out. And ya know, just enjoy one day at a time.
"don't worry about the future. or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum"
:]

2010-08-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

I promise, I'm not running away.
I'm following my dreams and building a life for myself.
And following what I believe to be in my best intentions and what will make me happiest.

oh doubters...let's go down, down to the river to pray

2010-08-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

a friend asked me a few days ago if I had ever been criticized for my religious beliefs or if anyone had ever tried to convert me...all that jazz.
I told him no. My best friend of 7 years is a devoted Christian and there is about 5 different religious beliefs streaming through my family.
We all accept and love each other regardless of our beliefs.

But the more I thought about it...the more I realized I, unintentionally, lied to said friend.
In all honesty, I've never felt worse for my beliefs than I do in this time period.
I constantly feel like I'm somewhat letting down a new friend of mine because I don't understand Christianity.
And I also feel like I make yet another friend totally uncomfortable by attempting to understand Mormonism.

I know it may be silly and I do feel like I'm being much too hard on myself...I mean, we can't please everyone and Buddhism clearly states that you have to be happy with yourself before anyone else will be.

I can't really explain how I feel. My mind is jumbled up at the moment. I was hoping that mentioning it to my blog that my mind would start to work itself out but so far, no such luck.

I really just feel like I'm down in some deep hole with my arms outstretched hoping someone will come along and pull me out. But instead, there is just a lot of people standing around the perimeter of the hole laughing.

But I do realize that I /am/ being far too hard on myself.

& in limbo, I stopped being alone

2010-08-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to old imadethismistake music for weeks now. i love it oh so much

my pug dog can apparently sense that my mood is down in the dumps tonight...
she won't leave my side and if I lay down on the couch, she puts her head next to me and stares at me with her bugged out eyes.
and she's definitely right.
today sucked. to say the least.

I woke up really early because my body was fighting me to go back to sleep.
I had a horrible nightmare last night and woke up about 4:30am shaking and ran upstairs to talk to Dad.
I've had this nightmare before...well part of it.
There has been this guy who is about my age and super cute that shows up in my dreams every now and then. The only downside is that he's chasing me and trying to kill me.
before last night, I've always managed to safely get away but for some reason last night, I decided to stop running and I remember saying "I'm not going anywhere...just do it...I quit."
so he ran up to me with a knife and cut me right on my jugular vein and I died instantly.
For those who have seen Inception, it is apparently true that if you die in a first-stage dream, you wake up.
And when I did wake up, my neck hurt really badly right where the cut wound had been in my dream.
I also remember before that in the dream, the boy and I were standing in a theater and I was hugging him and I told him that I liked him and he said "that's the point. you're supposed to...that way you can truly hate me later"
It's really rare I remember actual dialogue from a dream so I've been over analyzing it all day now.

Oh and according to a dream analyzer, my dream means that all this time I've been running from something in order to not get emotionally hurt and now, something is blocking me from running anymore so I turned to face my fears but they overcame me.
So apparently....I take it as I can't let anything, in reality, get in my way of running (although running away from your problems is super unhealthy, I know)
cause if I stop, a cute boy is going to come and kill me.
Which I've heard it even more unhealthy.

But anyway, moving on with my day.
I woke up about 9 and cleaned up the house a bit and got dressed to go meet with Cody (I had hoped it would rather soon in the day).
I worked on a skirt for awhile only to realize that I needed to run to the store to buy a zipper...which, for the record, I didn't do.
I went to my G-ma's instead and visited with her for a few hours.
then came home and got ready for color guard practice.
Since I couldn't see Cody before practice, we made plans to see each other after practice which, thanks to lack of communication, never happened.

So my day basically fell apart and I'm exhausted and moody and am in one of those moods that every song lyric I hear applies to my life right now.
Haha

oh well.
My last week of summer and I've realized that everything I wanted to do this week, I have no time for.
Friday it's back to school.
I still have an English paper and a skirt to get done this week.
And possibly get some some thrifting time in and school supplies.
Maybe.

So yep!
That's the run down as of now.
I really need sleep.

you eat the wolves or they'll eat you

2010-08-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

Honestly, not much has changed since my last blog post.
I got my Ipod back today (I'm not sure if I ever reported it missing to the blog world but my friend Cody had it from where I accidentally left it in his car from Sunday)
so now I'm blocking out the world for the evening and enjoying the thunderstorm and my music.

As I was laying on my parents' bed watching the storm, I remembered something I thought up a long while ago and have yet to get the opportunity to go through with.
So I'm making it my goal to get it in sometime next week, before schools starts.
I want to have a "favorite" day.
wear my favorite outfit, listen to my favorite band, hang out with my favorite people, go to my favorite places, eat my favorite things, etc.
I think it'd be really nice! Although I don't like the idea of putting that much pressure on a day because if something went wrong, I'd be devastated. Haha
Oh well.

It's going to happen and it's going to be grand.
I'll post pictures and tell you stories of how my day went after it happens!
Excitement is bulding ^-^

Things Are Looking Up! & Down...And All Around.

2010-08-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

So for starters, I have a little over a week until my senior year starts!
I'm excited and more than ready to get this over with.
Everyone is talking about how scared they are and how they wish they could go back to freshman year more than anything...I guess I just don't see it.
I'm ready for this high school chapter of my life to be over with and start onto something new.
Reality kicking in.
It's rather insane to think about. That I won't have the hallways of the high school directing me which way to turn anymore.
And yes, I guess I will admit that I am rather scared myself but excitement definitely overplays my fear.
I hope I can call California my home this time next year. I hope I can call myself a student of the biggest private art schools in America. I hope...that life is as amazing as I imagine it to be!

But for now,
I'm not minding Blairsville too much. Although several people who meant the world to me have recently walked out, new people have come in already to fill their gaps.
And I'm starting to feel the freedom of almost being a legal adult. Like being allowed to travel to the Scream It Like You Mean It show with my friend and get home at 2:30am.
It's nice to finally be making my own decisions and feel myself growing into becoming my own person.

I still have guard/band camp for 3 more days and then I'll be done with that...FOREVER!
-applause-
This season is going to be pretty awesome and I'm diggin' being an officer and all that good jazz.

Oh I'm also venturing back into my hardcore music liking stage.
I haven't been into this stuff since like 8th grade so listening to it makes me rather nostalgic.

My train of thought just flew off the tracks.
So I suppose this is where I end my blog and go get some food.
I've been craving bananas all day.

A tumblr style post #2

2010-07-18T10:35:00.001-07:00

2010-07-15T22:56:00.001-07:00

New blog!

2010-07-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

I may start neglecting this one for a little while as I'm trying to start pushing my emotions more into my art and not really focus too much on the crappiness of people and such. Hah
But, I have started a new blog on this same account.
My new blog is going to be like a giant "inspiration book" and I'm going to post pictures and stories and other things that inspire me and hopefully will inspire you too!

new blog link: gypsiesandleatherjackets.blogspot.com
[:

2010-07-11T21:39:00.001-07:00

reality is like an annoying little kid.
it seems to have taken a liking to running up, slapping me in the face, and then running away, giggling.
I keep watching it and just hoping it trips soon.

I'm in love with love. Simple as that.

2010-07-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's been quite awhile since things have changed so much & so quickly.
I don't think it was that long ago when I blogged that yet again, I felt things changing.
Usually when this happens, I'm stuck where things decide to settle for, at the very least, a few months.
This time, however, I got a week.
When things finally began settling in from the last major changing period, it all got uprooted again and my mind is on the move for a new place to settle.

I wonder if anyone else out there understands that feeling.
I just assume that everyone does.

My thoughts just flip & flop back and forth from [my] boy, to Gregory, to Starship, and to wishing my mind would stop its silly flipping and flopping.

It's strange really how close I can be to someone so far away.
Such as Gregory. Who lives in California - six hours from San Fransisco.
Gregory is a boy who I instantly became friends with.
We are both members to this "secret" online group called Infinity.
Upon being accepted into Inifinity, the other members instantly encourage you to post a small "about you" up on the public wall so everyone can greet you and etc.
Well, apparently my "about me" struck Gregory's attention because we instantly started speaking and excitedly saying how much we'd get along.
For months now, he's been one of my closest friends and my "go-to guy"
I rarely ever have to explain how I'm feeling over a situation, he just seems to instantly know.
He's a really awesome person to have around.

He gives me hope that they are still genuine good and loving people in the world.
I so rarely come across one, I question my optimism often.

I'm having a tough time with everything right now to say the least.
I'm trying to be the best person I can be.
In the process though, hurting not only myself but also being reckless with those around me.

I'm still hoping fate will take it's course soon and lead me to something good.
I don't know the reasoning for leading me down this dark trail but, I guess I'll make the best out of it and try to learn something along the way.

I wish for /once/ I was a someone's number one.
I have so many cheesy love lines and random laughing fits stored up, just waiting to be used on someone. I've built love up too much I think and now, I'm just waiting for someone who has done the same.
Farrah and I talked about it last night and the fact that I've never had a good boyfriend. And yet, she got love right on her first shot.

My heart is on my sleeve
and I'm slowly learning, that's not a good place to store it.

I wish I could tattoo it to the palm of my hand so I never forget it.
"Should one find a good companion to walk with
and who is steadfast andupright, one should walk with him with joy
so as to overcome all dangers.If no such companion is found;
it is better to travel alone like a king ...who
has left his kingdom, or an elephant which has left its companions"

better luck next time, prince charming.

2010-07-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

my goal for today is simple.
get dressed, feel awesome in my own skin, pop my new mix CD in my car, and let whatever happens today just happen.

I have plans for today actually.
I should be dressed right now already and I should be leaving here in 24 minutes.
But I'm probably not going to.
Partly because the person I have plans with has yet to contact me so I doubt he's even awake yet. And the other part is just that I don't feel like being on time today.
I'm usually the one that is 3 hours early for everything while everyone around me is 3 hours late.

And I'm going to drop by Farrah's house later and hope she's there.
I still need to go buy her birthday card(s)....and some eyeliner.
I feel like there was other stuff I thought of last night that I had to do today...

Oh well.

I successfully remade that poncho in my last blog.
I have a picture of mine on Facebook so go look at it on there if you'd like. I'm too lazy to resize it for my blog.

But yeah.
That's my plan for the day.
Whatever happens, happens.
My trust is in fate's hands today.

Where is my mind?

2010-07-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Dalai Lama :D!
I'm a day late and I apologize. I had it marked on my calendar but I didn't really have much to blog about yesterday so please accept this belated birthday wish.

My cleansing month and Starship Revamped Week are both going super well!
Tomorrow is supposed to be the last day of Revamped Week but I think I may keep it going for a little while longer because I missed a few days due to the holiday weekend.

for the first time all week, I officially feel really good.
I'm a peace with my mind finally.
I've been meditating almost every night and trying to teach myself new self discipline.
My hardest task is walking to the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water over a soda or resisting the box of lovely donuts on the counter.
But I'm learning to break those habits.

In other news, I don't know where this girl got the poncho from but I'd love to remake it.

I'm pretty sure I'd live in that thing [:
it's sooo cute! ya know, in kind of a pillaging villages kind of way.

So yeahh.
I didn't have much to blog about today.
Other than that I feel awesome and both of my projects are going well!

Farrah's birthday is this Friday :D
She'll finally be joining me in the glorious age of seventeen!
I can't wait to surprise her with the gift I got for her like 4 months ago.

Day 1 of Cleansing; Day 4 of Starship Revamped

2010-07-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

For starters, Happy Canada Day! [:

I love you, Canada!

I'm using July as a cleansing month.
I'm going to recenter myself around my religion and do my best to get back to my peaceful mind.
I'm also going to try to cut out soda and icky-for-you foods [which will be hard thanks to July 4th, guard camp, and low funds]
So I guess I'll be using my blog to monitor my success through that!
I have a really hard time sticking to my healthy food choices since no one else in my house is and I don't want to have to ask for special food all the time.

Oh and Starship Revamped
is my other goal that I'm doing right now. For a week [well, it's actually over a week but..whatever.]
I'm going to make at least one new piece for my Starship store every day.
Just to get back in the rhythm of everything.
Today I failed though because I was cutting the grass, giving Strawberry a bath, and am leaving to go to Farrah's house with Pittman and Cody for a movie night
:]
so I would say that missing Day 4 is totally worth it!
I'll get back to it tomorrow. I promise.

I've been having really strange dreams that have all consisted for looking for someone.
It's been like a connected story every night and my mind just picks up right where I left off from the night before. It's weird.
I just go to all these strange places and see all these strange people and go "have you seen...."
and they either shout at me, invite me over for dinner, or point somewhere in the distance.
I haven't heard who I'm looking for yet. It always just cuts off.
-shrug-
I don't know. I'm not complaining. But I sure hope I find whoever it is I'm looking for soon! They might be in danger

I need to go cut layers back into my hair and get ready to go.
blahh clock, stop moving so fast!

You are my sunshine

2010-06-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

My original intentions for this blog wasn't too cheery.
My day consisted of collecting my thoughts of how upset I felt and how I was going to convey them in yet another whiney blog.
Luckily though, I feel less craptastic now by taking measures into my own hands.

Now, rather than complaining, I'm going to give you a story for starters.
The other day, my mom was showing me her charm bracelet. It has charms on it from her teenage year boyfriends and places she's traveled and lots of other cool stuff.
I felt a bit 1-upped since all I have from boys I've liked in my teenage years is a a not-so-heart-felt "love" letter and a silly band shaped like a cow. And I have almost nothing from my travels except digital pictures I've entrusted Myspace with.
So what did I do?
Why, I bought a charm bracelet of course! [technically, at the time of writing this blog, I haven't decided on which one I want to buy yet but I have it narrowed down to a few]
but it'll probably be this awesome $6 one

I am pretty excited to get started!
So if anyone out there happens to see any cheap, cute charms that they want to give me for my bracelet, I'll be so super happy. Of course, I'd like them to relate to me or you or some inside joke between us.
Something with nice memories [:

I'm already drooling over all of her charms!

blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess.

2010-06-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have a horrible feeling about today.
I woke up with that panic feeling in the pit of my stomach and even after being awake for about 2 hours, it has yet to go away.

On a plus side, I had a wonderful time in Rome this past week!
I loved being in a laid back environment for once. It was pretty guaranteed that no one was going to be screaming and cussing so...relief is nice.
I'm planning another trip back there right before band/guard camp so Matt has time to take off work so we can spend more time together.
I'm excited!

These next two weeks are going to be odd for me. I feel it already...
As usual, I get far too attached to someone far too quickly and now, it sucks that that person is going away for awhile.
My solution?
Focus my attention back on Starship.

This summer has been such a waste as far as "business" is concerned. I've lacked motivation and passion for my work lately.
I have some ideas in mind and I'm starting a collaborative collection with one of my friends. So I'm pretty excited to see how that turns out!
I think I'm going to have a give-away promotion sale. I'm sick of my old pieces floating around my studio and taking up space that I don't have. I think I might sell it for super cheap to my cute-dressing friends as a promotion. I don't know how I'm going to make that work out yet but I'll think of something.
Basically, I'm going to go into work overload and dish out a bunch of stuff in random order and hope for the best.
It's pretty bad when your own laziness starts to annoy you.

So that is my plan.
Starting either today or tomorrow.
Hopefully today since procrastination isn't going to get my anywhere either.

i will help you fly across the moonlit sky

2010-06-19T14:26:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that it was only a week ago that Summerfest was going on. That right now last week all my close friends were here sitting in a circle and singing songs together. I can't believe that it was only a week ago that Herbie was here. Everything seemed so different last week.
This has been the longest week in history! But it's been a very enjoyable one.

Either Tuesday or Wednesday [I really cannot remember which], I spent the afternoon with Steffan venturing a random trail through the woods by the lake. I got the bright idea to drag him out on a log that had fallen into the lake.
Well, he warned me he wasn't the most balanced person ever...which he then proved. We won't go into details here. Haha
Thursday I went to the lake with Skye and we swam around in my family's secret swimming nook. Which isn't really a secret but... oh well.
We were both really unsure of how to get in the water so I was joking around and started down the hill attempting to say "This is one small step for man!"
I got cut off somewhere around "one" and slipped down the hill and into the water.
We swam around for awhile randomly screaming when something brushed against our leg.
After awhile, Steffan showed up to join us.
It wasn't until after I got home that I realized how long we stood in the water, arms folded, in a circle just talking. Very little swimming actually went on. And Steffan broke out his Russel Brand voice and Skye and I almost drowned ourselves laughing so hard. (This might be why I'm so obsessive over Russel recently)

& last night
Steffan and I met up at my mom's office where she treated us to some China food (:
my absolute favorite! We ate and hung around for awhile and then headed to the cinema to catch Toy Story 3 on its opening night. I gave him several chances to back out but he bravely stuck it out with me! The movie was good, the company was good, the little children were not so good...
Afterward, we sat in my car and narrated innocent people's lives. Apparently, every middle-aged woman there was cheating on her husband and a boy walking around by himself was desperately trying to mask that his girlfriend left without him.
I took him home and we sat in my car some more and talked about The Human Centipede [youtube the trailer for it!] and how it's a /must see/ on our movie list.

I simply adore the people in my life [:
and I really do miss Farrah and Joshua [Dunford]]. I haven't seen them in quite some time. Farrah is busy with Joshua [Pittman]. and Joshua [Dunford] is busy with work.

With all my driving around, Stefan Fink's album hasn't left my CD player. Nor will it anytime soon. I really recommend you go download it offline: http://stefanfink.bandcamp.com/
He sells his CDs for $5 at his show and, trust me, it's worth every penny. He's a rad dude...don't steal his music if you can help it, please ^-^
Something about Stef[f]ans that I just can't get enough of apparently.

In the morning, I'm leaving for Rome, Georgia to stay with my brother for a week.
& Steffan is leaving for Gainesville for a week as well. Maybe I'm completely pathetic but that aspect is going to suck. We're both going to be busy and unable to see each other all week.
Blah.
But! Brother and sister-in-law time is always nice and getting away from home for awhile will be relieving.
I'm actually going to go put my hand-painted suitcase to good work and start packing!

I will be Wendy and you will be Peter Pan

2010-06-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm a Peter Pan freak.
Not so much the Disney movie version but the book and all the cute knick knacks that Peter Pan has inspired people to create, I'm in love with :]

But anyway,
It is Sunday now and I just completed the greatest weekend I've had in a long time!
However, this blog will not completely capture my excitement because I'm running on extreme lack of sleep.
So instead of sounding excited, there might be a romantic feel to this and it'll come seeming a lot more insightful than I originally intended.

So anyway!
Friday started all this. I got a phone call from Timmy who, unknown to me, was hanging out in my field dropping off equipment and getting ready for his show in Atlanta. Anyway, he called to tell me that Herbie was in Blairsville and wanted us to come get him. Herbie is a really amazing guy who drove 6 1/2 hours from Kentucky to come perform at Summerfest the following day! One of the coolest guys I've met! And he reminds me a lot of Kylewilliam from appearance to his mannerisms so I enjoyed his presence even more.
Anyway!
We hopped in my car, grabbed our semi-matching hats, and drove as fast as allowed to meet Herbie in Blairsville. Things were a bit awkward at first as Herbie was a lot more quiet than I initially expected.
He followed in his car back to my place where him and Timmy both dragged out their guitars and worked on a song. I sat nearby being a creeper since I'm not a musician and their musician talk was a foreign language to me.
Soon after, the wonderful Skye showed up at my house! With the gang all there, we packed up the car and headed to the wonderful city of Atlanta!
We got there a few hours early to hit up the American Apparel Flea Market at Atlantic Station. I snagged a super cute black jumper that I can't wait to wear!
Then we traveled the streets of the city since we're all small town kids and rarely get to the big ol city.
A random lady on the street complimented my outfit and it made me smile a lot. I love random acts of kindness more than most things.
Afterward, we headed to Borders and hung out among endless books and air conditioning. Herbie got a really cool Clash book that I was pretty jealous of.
Skip forward awhile and we arrive at the Wonderroot show where Timmy was set to perform that evening.
The first bands scared us a bit but Timmy began a wonderful music streak.
& I fell in love with the two bands following him.
I bought both their CDs and put them on my Ipod and have been in musical heaven ever since!

And, to end the evening off right, I hit a curb leaving the Wonderroot parking lot and knocked the skirt off my car...again.
We also got into an awesome anti-government chat on the way home to make sure I didn't fall asleep at the wheel.
We arrived home around 3am and everyone crashed at my house since we had to get up bright and early to start setting up for Summerfest.

SUMMERFEST DAY!
9 am, everyone in the house is up and munching on some delicious pancakes my dad made us. The first bands showed up at 10:30 which annoyed me a bit since /no one/ bothered to tell me that they were planning on showing up early.
But all was well.
The show was really good! We had a pretty big diversity in all the performers so it was fun.
Afterward, Herbie and Chris Ryan sat in the grass and rocked out to old songs they both happened to know and the few people left over sang along to songs we recognized.
Running on 6 hours of sleep and giving 2 days in a row my all, I was pretty exhausted and everyone started to get rather fussy with each other so it was suggested that we just all went home.
Timmy and Herbie left to go find a cute diner close-by to eat at. Herbie's idea and sadly, he was unaware that we don't really have any of those around here. Especially not at 9 at night.
Mom and I went to the ever popular McDonalds.
Herbie and Timmy crashed at my house again and left around 11 this morning.

Today, I'm still fighting exhaustion since I kind of hate sleeping during the day.
I ordered two new books today and until they get here, I'm going to read "My Booky Wook" which is Russel Brand's autobiography.
I sure do love that man :]

Thank you to all the wonderful and amazing friends and people who came out and made this weekend what it was :D!
It'll be interesting to try and top this.

Take a step back, take a look at one another

2010-06-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I was given my dream bike :D!
I haven't come up with a name for her yet that completely captures how amazing she is.
She's about a 1960 Sears & Roebuck 3 Speed. (my Dad thinks she's from around that time, not sure. But I do know she's a Sears).
I already love her!
Even if I did already crash and hurt my leg a bit...no major damage.

I need to stop thinking about Starship.
Cause currently, I've gotten myself in a pickle where I have no fresh ideas
and are feeling the need to force myself to make things.
And as my friend said "you're going to hate what you make and have no passion behind it"
not exact words but close enough.

So my solution.
Focus this week's attention on Summerfest and relaxing the creative part of my mind.
Then come back next week, and start kicking some serious butt (:
eerr the week after that. Depending how long I'm in creative rehab.

Speaking of pickles

King of the Mods

2010-06-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out who my dream boy would be...
the love child of Russel Brand and Noel Fielding.
I'd gladly take my throne as Queen of the Mods
:]

That is all.
Rather pointless blog.

just throwing that one out there.

2010-05-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

first off, my earlobe itches. I can feel a bug bite forming on it and I'd like to send some kudos to the bug who managed to perch perfectly on my ear lobe long enough to bite it without me noticing.
I almost don't mind the uncomfortable itchiness I have to endure now, just because that bug was a trooper.

on another note, I just am just using this blog as another one of those mind detanglers so I'm not working on making this make sense or even amusing to anyone reading this, I just need to clear my head.

I've come to grips that the main source of this constant lonely feeling comes with feeling like I'm losing a best friend.
That's not something I've ever had to deal with...well, not since like 5th grade so I count that as never having to deal with it.
Even in this case, it was never an official "alright see ya" type deal. Nothing happened to make us not friends, we just started separating.
It sucks because I'm not even sure if it's justified in feeling like I do. But our schedules never match up anymore and even when they do and some free time is available, she already has other plans that I'm not exactly included in on.
And I've never been one to invite myself.
I hate that I can't just come out and say "hey, this whole situation sucks and I can't figure out how to fix it!"
but, like I said, I'm not even sure if I'm justified to feel the way I do.
And with that whole feeling of feeling kind of left out of everything with her now, I can't get that feeling out of my mind.
I feel like no one wants to be around me.
And no, I'm not writing this as a "ohhh please pity me" blog! Like I said, this is for me to clear my head and make myself feel better...blogging just happens to do that for me and I don't know where else to turn to just spill my mind out.
And hey, if the right people happen to read it and things get back on track, that's just a side bonus.

I really don't know how to fix any of this or to make myself or anything better.

I have two amazing best friends right now.
but the fact that they also have significant others, I hate to cut in on their free time.
They've told me a lot that I'm not a bother and am welcome to hang out with them anytime!
But one can only take so much of being the 3rd...or 5th wheel.
And that's another aspect of myself that I feel empty with.
I finally got to the point where I wanted to accept love and dive head-first into a relationship...
I just need someone who I actually would want to be in a relationship with and visa versa.

I think I've decided that I'm attending Full Sail University.
And it's extra exciting that I can stay home and still get my degree.
Or rather, not stay home.
I've been flirting with the idea of getting an apartment somewhere not too far from here so I can start living for myself.
Everyone says it's a horrible idea to stay at home longer than I have to and I think I agree.
I love my parents! Everyone knows that my mom is my best friend and it's going to suck moving out but I have to be strong with that and get on living my life.
Plus, I can't wait to start decorating my own space!
I'll probably have to get a roommate so I can make rent buuuuut I'll start thinking about that closer to the time actually coming around.
I also think it'd be super awesome to go on tour with some band. Be nomadic for awhile with only my laptop so I can stay in school and the essentials of living.

I just need to find a place I feel like I fully belong.
& my best friend back.
& a boy that I can like a lot & spend every waking hour with.
& to man up and fix things myself rather than depending on my blog so darn much.

she said she won the world at a carnival

2010-05-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful day (:
It was spent sleeping in far later than I ever sleep and then waking up to hit the thrift store with Liz!
I found an amazing pair of John Lennon glasses that the lady at the register gave to me half price for no apparent reason. I also finally found the hard shelled suitcase I've been dying for! I'm buying the supplies tomorrow to paint it and customize it.
Then I'm going to pack it with my favorite summer clothes and head down to my brother's house for a few days!

Summer is a weird time for me.
I miss random people throughout the days and have very little interest in hanging out with the people I typically do.
I guess we all just need a little while away from each other.
I also re-visit a lot of my past (for instance, I'm listening to Scene For Dummies right now. A song I haven't listened to since 8th grade).

Oh today, Liz and I were driving to Hiawassee and the cars in front of us were stopping randomly. At first, I couldn't see why then I noticed a puppy running back and forth between lanes of traffic.
I tried to trap him on a side road and then got out of my car to get him & Liz pulled in next to me. Although I failed to get the dog, it was nice to see everyone care enough to stop and let the confused puppy run back and forth in search of safety.

I love this song so much (:

I'm not a big PATD fan but Pretty. Odd was just an awesome album!

Summerfest is coming up fast!
I have my screen printing machine downstairs just waiting to be put into action!
(:

Dear College,

2010-05-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I'm not prepared for you :(
1530 on my SAT is not something I would have like to been notified of.
A 390 on my math...seriously? I knew I was horrible at it but that's ridiculous!

The deadline has passed for the June SAT test and I do believe that that is the last test date till next year.
I wish I felt more prepared to start applying to colleges and such.

Blah.
I feel like poo at my test score.
But Collegeboard made me feel slightly better with "most people take their SAT the spring of their junior year and then again the fall of their senior year"
so I guess I'm not behind in reality...just feel like I am.

I'm going to spend the evening with my sewing machine and sketchbook.
They don't mind how good (or rather, how not good) at math I am.
^-^

Oh & Speaking of colleges,
I'm looking into this one:

The campus is in Florida but I can take Internet Marketing in an online course!
$53,000 for 34 months and almost all the costs of materials needed are covered within that price as well as tuition, of course!
Art school marketing programs > North Georgia business programs
[That equation is only based off of my current research though]

How does that saying go...?

2010-05-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling uninspired, think I'll start a fire?
Yeah, I know it's from a Nirvana song but it also graces 89% of the Myspace profiles I visit.
Starting fires doesn't really inspire me though. I tried it.
Maybe I need a larger fire. But if I keep making larger fires and still not getting results, I'm afraid of what I may do to this place so I'll just stop now and say
that starting fires do not inspire me.

Also I'm starting week 2 of weening myself off of meat.
I tried cutting meat out of diet entirely cold turkey (no pun intended!), my body decided to shut down completely and make me feel super sick.
So now I'm down to eating meat at dinnertime and avoiding it at all other times during the day.
This approach seems to be working nicely.
So why the sudden veggie diet decision?
Well, it's not exactly sudden...it's been bothering me for awhile actually.
Buddhism states that one should have respect for all living things.
And who woulda guessed that eating processed meat that was once a living creature that was then brutally tortured and then left to die a slow painful death was not respectful of the creature?
Hmmmmm not I, said the cat!
So yeah. I'm basically finally just taking a radical step toward my religion.
Vegetarianism isn't required, but it's just kind of one of those suggested things.

so yep!
It's Monday!! A week full of finals lies ahead of me!
one down and I think 3 more to go? Something like that.
I'm technically a senior now. My class is the oldest in the school so I think that's what that means.
Seniorzzz : we like it on top ;]
(I wonder how many times that horrible joke has been told)

a wonderful adventure!

2010-05-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

a developing crush on someone is one of the best and yet most annoying feelings ever.
I can't exactly decide which are the annoying parts and which are the best though so here's just a list:
- instantly checking to see if he's online when you sign on
- continuing to constantly check to see if he's still online when he hasn't messaged you first
- wondering why he's not messaging you first
- freaking out and asking all your friends
- replaying your conversation with him over and over in your mind
- wanting to hit yourself cause of all the cool things you /could/ of said
- wondering if he think you're as lame as you think you are
- thinking how cool your names sound together
- smiling when you find something new you have in common with him
- getting all giddy when his name is mentioned in conversation and bursting at the chance to talk about how awesome you think he is
- just all around falling in /lust/

It's fantastic :]
and I think Spring is a perfect time for this.
I need some self esteem when it comes to boys, that's for sure!
I turn into a giddy paranoid half retarded little girl when it comes to boys I like.
Is it too late for a New Years Resolution?

today I came to the conclusion

2010-05-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

I'm a drug dealing junkie at heart concealed nicely among a mind that, obviously knows better.

Oh and I also concluded that this is one of the best music videos I've seen in awhile (:
Stop motion is my favorite filming technique, I would have to say!

Spectacular, Spectacular!

2010-05-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I just feel grand in my own skin! (:
Summerfest is falling into place bit by bit.
School is almost over.
I feel like something good is just around the corner.
And I just feel awesome!

Simple As That.

2010-05-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

"You don't have to end up with people who self destruct
Go find a lover who will never leave
Fear of abandonment, self hate, and discontent
Will go away when you let yourself grieve
And forget about me, forget about me, forget about me"

New Perspective.

2010-04-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've been viewing everything differently lately.
A lot has been changing and I'm enjoying it, for the most part.
It seems that everyone is moving somewhere different. Even if it's just down the street.

Love is my primary difference I suppose.
Relying on someone no longer scares me and I think it'd be awesome to not only have a partner in crime but a partner in...well, everything!
I think young marriages are cute and I'm looking forward to decorating a house with someone.
Personally, I still dislike kids but they look cute with other people!

I've fallen out of caring about high school.
Well, maybe not so much the school aspect although I do believe that teachers are out to get me right now.
But the people are what is really getting to me.
I can't walk down the hallway without hearing sooo many negative comments. Who cares what so&so did with her hair? Who cares that he likes her again and OMIGAH you can't believe he'd do that?
Just...who cares?
I realize that for most, these are the best years of their lives but ugh.
I'm so sick of negativity.
-shrug-

I've also calmed down slightly.
I can actually sit still for longer than 5 minutes now.
I spent 2 hours sitting around with a long-lost friend of mine last weekend.
We went from sitting in a tree to sitting on the grass back to a tree then to a different tree. Most enjoyable experience I've had in awhile. I like those people you can just sit and talk to.

I think I might take up the guitar again.
I'll unleash my skillz at Summerfest! (:

$7 Love Affair

2010-04-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

a friend told me that I'm become known for these.
no longer will I have a name...just "that girl with the monster shoes"
I realized, I am more than okay with this (:

Self made monster shoes!
I borrowed the idea from a girl on Etsy who goes by Em & Sprout.
I would of bought them from her, and I really wanted to.
But I didn't have $31 for hers and mine were only $7.

Yep!
I am happy
and so are the monsters residing on my feet:D!

Embracing The Rain!

2010-04-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

Cause for a change, I really am diggin' the rain (:
I'm definitely more of a fan of storms than just rain but either will do for now.

Today, my friend Will asked me to take him home
I said sure before realizing that he was joking so he just hopped in my car
and I headed to his house!
Not very far out of town but a lot of twisty one-lane roads and a few turns onto even smaller roads.
He kept saying "ohhman I'll feel so bad if you got lost on your way out!"
Well, of course, I did get lost.
I drove around trying to find something that looked familiar and I came across a church that had a sign outside, as most churches do. The sign said "Lost? Let God be your GPS"
Not two minutes after that, I found the bridge that I was looking for and safely got back on the main road to head home.
Kudos to you, God!

I'm single again.
Nothing actually went down, I just am not a fan of long distance relationships
and quiet people kinda freak me out.
We ended on good terms
and I still hope we can be friends!
So that is that.

I'm out of that place between sleep and awake.
I'm fully convinced that I'm awake right now (:

Everything is running smoothly and I'm very happy.
More than happy, I am at a constant level of content so no matter what, I'm just cheerfully observing my surroundings.

19 days left of school.
I couldn't be more ready...
Summerfest is coming up June 11th and I'm going to see Greenland is Melting at Wonderroot on May 27th!
SATs are this upcoming Saturday.
I still have another custom order to get done and have shipped out within the next week or so.
&& my imadethismistake CD has yet to get here. Stupid pre-ordering :(

Stuck In That Place Between Sleep and Awake.

2010-04-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Actually putting meaning behind my blog title, I think I'm stuck here!
All week I haven't been able to differentiate between being sleep and being awake.
And it is rather true that in this place is where I will always love you
[please note to my last blog post]
After my random breakdown the other day and my eyes not being fully opened all week...it's starting to get to me.

I'm running around looking for somewhere to hide till things start making sense.
It freaks me out further that I can't find a place like that.
Not even my studio's warm embrace has solved the issue.
Although, I will say, I'm very happy with the progress in business I have been making!
I have 3 custom orders lined up right now!
One is almost finished
the other one not even started
and the other one is still far off in planning.

I'm silly for thinking this would be easy
but I could only hope.

I'm going to spend the rest of my evening staring at the TV while listening to music and just mental healthasizing myself.
I'm diggin' the rain a bit.
I hope later on tonight I can make a phone call that will allow me to set my heart back out on my sleeve and provide a sincere apology that is taken for what it's worth.

That Place Between Sleep and Awake.
In reality,
not such a fun place to be.

Two Things That Don't Mix

2010-04-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

crying & driving.
especially spontaneous freakouts when a song I haven't heard in ages comes on and I suddenly start thinking about you and how in less than 20 days, you're leaving and I'm never going to see you again.
Maybe this is just an act of desperation but I'm miserable more often than I should be.
When I think of how to fix things, all roads lead back to you.
I'm not very good at making hints that aren't completely obvious so I'm sure everyone knows who I'm talking about.
I can't say that I care though.
I don't think feelings like this are meant to be ignored.
If even after months and months, the mere thought of you can bring me to tears...while driving (very, very dangerous by the way).

Oh yeah, it was this song that was playing, by the way...

And this is about the time I broke down....

"what happened to us?
i heard that it's me we should blame.
what happened to us?
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't..."

which to bury, us or the hatchet?

All My Friends Are Dead.

2010-04-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

Err...well, they may as well be since they're leaving to Washington DC tonight and I won't have anyone but my family and Adam all weekend.
Not that I don't love them...but still.

I think I'm going to spend my weekend getting my 4...or is it 5 now(?) custom orders done for Starship!
Oh & making my hair do this

Yes, Yes
(:

Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two

2010-04-18T14:43:00.001-07:00

The Sunday blahs are at it again. They always get the best of me...nearly every week.
So I'm going to give this a shot. Yet again, another borrowed idea from a fellow blogger.
Maybe a Sunday blog of thing that I absolutely adore.

It's that time of the year again that I start making summer plans with all the people that I love.
Current plans consist of a roadtrip to Nashville with Adam, being in a city at night and observing how beautiful everything looks, going to Pittman's house with Farrah and Adam and hanging out at his swimming pool, probably lots of outdoor time, and an acoustic show or two.
Hopefully, these wonderful plans won't fall through like the plans of the past 2 summers have. I mean, this is the last full summer we all have together for next year, people are going to begin leaving and venturing off into their new lives.

I'm trying to convince Adam to adopt one of these since they are perfectly legal in Tennessee, unlike here.

I promised him I'll take care of it.
And we'll name it Naboo Morrissey Garren (:

Nashville!

My birthday is only a few weeks away!
And it falls on Mother's Day again. It's been awhile (for those who don't know, I was born on Mother's Day 1993)

Basically, I want summer break.
I want time to do stuff I love and not stuff I'm forced to do.
I want to spend time with Adam other than on weekends.
I want to be surrounded with people I actually want to be around.
24 days left...maybe? something like that

Here's to an entirely wasted day!

I am well on my way..

2010-04-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

...to becoming everything that I've always wanted to be.

Failed Attempts At....err...Everything?

2010-04-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

This one-man-band musician boy that I like a lot, known as Failed Attempts at Facial Hair, made a blog about his Top 10 Favorite songs.
I really like sharing music and hearing other people's music as well so I listened and downloaded most of his.
In honor of continuing the sharing of music, here are mine.

1. The Smiths - This Night Has Opened My Eyes
In 7th grade, I picked up The Perks of Being A Wallflower after hearing how it was a great guidebook to the typical teenager's life. Of course, being a 7th grader and really pumped to be almost out of middle school, I wanted to read about how teenagers should act and such. Little did I know, this book would quickly become my favorite and I'd later go on to read it three more times. Anyway, for those who haven't read the book, it features The Smiths. The main character, Charlie mentions Asleep and how it is the most beautiful song he has ever heard. Naturally, I had to go check that song out. I fell in love with the band and moved on to other songs. The chorus of this song makes me fall in love all over again every time I listen to it. "She could have been a poet or so could have been fool" "I'm not happy & I'm not sad"

2. Imadethismistake - Gravediggers on Their Deathbeds Pt. 2
If today is the end, does that mean tomorrow, we get to start new? Of course, imadethismistake was going to make my top favorite songs. I may reach creeper status by remembering the first time I saw this guy live was August 21, 2007. A friend of mine, for those who may not know, used to put together shows here and Kylewilliam (the singer and at the time, the only guy in the band) was just another traveling musician who caught 8th grade me's attention. He's had my attention for 3 years now. At a show of a later time, he explained that Part 1 was about finding his dream girl and all the qualities she would have and how amazing their love would be. Part 2 is about realizing that girl doesn't exist and being perfectly fine with that. Love is meant to have flaws with it. Or something like that...that speech was years ago.

3. Chase Coy/Dear Juliet - All Those Nights
Enough can be said in the very first line of the song - One more year and I'll be heading out on my own. Leaving my friends and the place I come home.
That and I could honestly just take a nap in his voice (:

4. Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet
Bright Eyes, the drug years. I'm a far bigger fan of him during that time than current days. Of course, kudos to him for cleaning himself up! This song reminds me of 8th grade math class, the first week that I met my best friend, Stephuhknee. She had pencils with lyrics to this song written on them.
And, as you may of noticed, my favorite songs are mostly pretty raw sounding and this song is no different.

5. Daniel Bedingfiel - Gotta Get Thru This
Long before anyone ever heard of Natasha, Farrah and I were rocking out to this song. Since I have a song that reminds me of Stephuhknee as one of my friends, this song reminds me of my other best friend. Nostalgia to the max. 5th grade. First time I ever went to Farrah's house. I remember being in, what was, Heather's room, crowded around the computer with Rachael, Deana, Heather, and Farrah listening to this song. I must admit, although I don't often listen to it, I still dig it quite a bit!

I only have a top 5 of songs right now because I'm not old enough to have a giant collection of songs that remind me of the glory days.
There you have it (:

Times Square Can't Shine As Bright As You.

2010-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

This has been the first season I've watched Project Runway.
Mostly because I was sick of people going
"OH! you're a designer? You must watch Project Runway then..right?"
and then the conversation entirely ending after I said that I had never seen it.

I figured the show was exactly the same as every fashion show. A lot of pompous jerks with their noses in the air going "ohhhdear...this is wrong, all wrong" while sipping weak tea and criticizing everything that walked past.
Well, I was partially right. However, I did fall in love with Seth Aaron who is my current inspiration for all things fashion right now!
I really do adore him :D!
And I hope that I can be that cool when I'm 38. Haha!

Tell me he is not the absolute cutest thing ever (: !
I want one, please!

Oh.
And I also got invited to go check out Pratt University in New York.
The brochure they sent me made it appear to be just as appealing as The Academy of Art and, hey, added bonus is that it's actually on /this/ side of the country :p
I do want to take some time and possibly check it out. Even if it is a far stretch of me ever getting accepted.
-shrug-
I like their spiel of what an artist is:
"It's hard to tell at first. You look around and realize you're different from your friends who want to be doctors and lawyers and who believe that art,design. and writing are, at best, interesting...but 'nothing you can make a living at.'"
Right on, Pratt.

"I'm going to knock the f*****g socks of New York!"
-Seth Aaron
(:

Exactly.

2010-04-08T09:10:00.001-07:00

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...

2010-04-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

Bluegrass & old country is atop my musical tastes right now.
It's so laid back and wonderful (:
Willie is one of those people that I don't believe will ever die. But since the realistic side of me knows better, I just need to brace myself. I'm going to be heartbroken. I've kind of always had a soft spot for him because he looks like my dad and my parents have always played his music around me.

I'm also having a love affair with a new hat I came across yesterday.
It's plain & brown but I realized that by clipping a broach or one of my hair flowers to it, it transforms into the perfect accessories that matches everything I own (:

I'm happy! I've been non-stop happy for nearly 2 weeks.
It's very nice (:
Oh & I like Adam. Which is a good thing since he's my boyfriend but I've just been saying to myself today how much I do like him. He's a neat fellow (:
I'm off to the dog park with Mom!
It's definitely my favorite place in Blairsville!

& this seems like a wonderful place to start!

2010-04-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

Spring.
Everyone says this is the season of rebirth. Where everything gets a chance at life for yet another season or two.
So, I find this a wonderful place to start over. To give myself another chance at life - a new life. A different perspective, a different mindset, a different sense of ambition and wonder.

Yet again, I'm traveling down a new path.
To a new destination - an unknown land unseen by most but inhabited by wondrous things to experience!

For a change,
I'm not inviting anyone to come along on this adventure with me.
For a change,
it's up for those who dare to choose to come along with! To show me that they care enough to, at least, keep an eye on me as I travel farther into the opposite direction.

"this is my story & I'm writing it as I go along. My only problem is, I'm writing it in pen"

(:

2010-04-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

All I have to say is that I'm happy.
150% happy!

However, I'm also piled with homework so I don't have time to write an actual blog.
^_^

March 30, 2k10 - A day that shall live in confusion

2010-03-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

and joy! :D

Let me start off by catching up to with the story.
Sunday night, random anonymous person called me a "bitch" on that dumb formspring thing. Didn't bother me too bad.
Last night, a supposedly different person agreed with other person saying that yeah, I am a bitch and I think I'm better than everyone else.
Okay. Well, that one kind of got to me and I spent part of my day being confused and sad and talking about it to people I rarely ever speak to. So, by the end of the day, I felt better.
Although I'm still confused over the fact that one of my close guy friends got in a physical fight this morning over someone who he believes is behind it although I've never heard of or seen such a person before.

I came home & hated the atmosphere here so I left immediately and went to Grams house. I sat and talked with her for awhile while That 70s Show played in the background and she voiced confusion over the show every so often.
Then I went to the guard meeting & devoured a veggie burger that I'd been craving for weeks. Thank you Kayla's Mom :D!

Ride home - normal.
Home life - normal...well, normal for bad evenings filled with tension in the house.

& then, a friend of mine (who is best friends with my best friend's boyfriend) text me and proclaimed that he liked me out of the blue.
I've only hung out with him a few times but he's one of those people that I just kind of instantly got along with.
"He's a strange boy" in Farrah's exact words. but it's okay cause, I'm a strange girl.
So anyway, after just pointing out that we both think the other one is cool and we like each other, he asked me out.
so to add another random event to my day, I now have a boyfriend! :)

I guess sometimes we need days that are nothing but complete random nonsense.
It makes me feel kinda silly and out of it which is what I wanted anyway.

I have to talk to my parents about that "move on when ready" program again but not tonight.

I'm going to go to sleep. Or read.
And text my boyfriend...that's odd to say right now XD

March 30,2k10.
Most random day I've ever experienced.
& my new anniversary day.

I'm happy, excited, confused, more excited, sleepy, partially delusional, and some more happiness thrown in :]]

The Way I See It Anyway.

2010-03-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

Birthday Wishlist :D!

2010-03-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Cause I can never remember stuff that I actually want when someone asks "hey, what do you want for your birthday?!"
so now, I can just direct them to my blog.
(:
And, of course, they're all pretty cheap since I despise spending money or people spending money on me :p

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5263&cat=252

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=860&cat=252

Link: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5790&cat=252

A, preferably vintage, Willie Nelson tshirt (:

annnnnd ya know, like other stuff that is me-like
(:

erase, resist, deface

2010-03-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

starting off my day with a sledgehammer, goggles, and concrete stone decoration that needed taking down is a wonderful way to start a day!
Especially when the past week has caused you to tuck away a lot of emotions and such.
Needless to say, that concrete wall was taken down within 45 minutes.

I also started contacting a bunch of bands about Summerfest- The Sequel.
Now that I know where I went wrong last year, I'm working to make this year bigger and much, much better!
I don't want to give too much away...well, I don't even have anything to give away right now. Today being the first day I started talking to bands, I've only got a definite answer from two. One being a yes, one being a no.

The band I got a no from is this really awesome bluegrassy band I just discovered today, Greenland is Melting. They're been on my Myspace friends list forever and I just never got around to listening to them.
Which now, after realizing that I am a fan, I regret not listening for so long.
That guy was super nice so it was all good.
I downloaded their album and have spent the day listening to them.

Anyway, just another project I'm setting out on.
I live for people relying on me to get stuff done and being in way too over my head.
I do it on purpose sometimes.

I'm off to get some much needed sleep on the new pillows
I stole from my mom.
Sooo fluffy (:

What can I say? They got demselfs a new fan :]

I'll tell you all about living free.

2010-03-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

When I said I wanted change, little did I know, I was merely giving my inner self the go-head it has apparently been awaiting for awhile now.
This past week, I have felt myself shift entirely.

And, as I always say, I cannot exactly pinpoint why.
But, 2010 is continuing to be well on its way to being my favorite year! :D

I had such an amazing time this afternoon!
Sunshine, loud music, Chinese food, amazing conversations about amazing music, and really awesome kids are really all I think /anyone/ needs in life
:)

Oh! And I had an amazing last night as well.
Went to Pickens with the concert band to film their festival and did a lot of hanging around and creepily singing "on top of old smokey" to random kids in my presence.
And free pizza buffet!
and more bus riding home.
Yepp.
Gooood stuff :D!

Today, I was presented with the opportunity to make this my last year of high school
and to move onto college courses next year and being a, pretty much, full-time college student.
But, according to my elders, senior year just can't be missed.
Ohhhh senior year, you owe me.
-sigh-
so I will sit idly in this town continuing to "prepare" myself for what I'm already prepared for and continue wasting time.
Whatever...
I guess I'm just bitter about my, what I thought to be, wonderful plan being shot down.

tonight, as I said, was fun.
now I think I'm going to go rewatch 500 Days of Summer and fall asleep.
I want to spend the rest of the weekend focusing on my art and enjoying a bit of some artistic expression.
This week was one of the longest weeks I've encountered in awhile.
I'm fascinated by how much change I feel within myself now.
I'm pleased by it.

I want to start going by Rawley.
Or Brianna Rawley.
Still Bri Rawley of course, unless I'm just being overly fancy.
I really like my middle name and it doesn't get enough credit
(:

My song of the week:

Dear Self, It's Me Again

2010-03-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

You remember just last Friday when you told yourself to go for it
and what could possibly go wrong?
Well, who knew that you were writing for your future self of less than a week later.
And that person that you were putting your trust into wouldn't even keep it for the remainder of the weekend.
That you would spend the following night with the feeling of your heart continuously dropping. Recalling the amazing Friday night you had but blot out the person you spent that amazing evening with. Staying up till 4:30 in the morning cause the thought of laying down to get some sleep scared the heck out of you because you didn't want to be vulnerable to your own recollections.
Who knew? Who could of known?

Maybe someday I'll acquire that jerk-o-meter that so many other people seem to have.
Maybe I'll stop crushing on boys that I simply do not matter in the slightest to.
Maybe, but I doubt it. I'm Bri & it's become just something that I do.

It's okay.
I'm okay.
Everything is okay.
It is all always okay.

Oh, this winter, my mom, g-ma, and I are heading back to Hawaii probably.
We're going to California the day before we have to leave out on the ship and staying in San Diego. I was hoping to have time to maybe visit Oakdale (where Christian Matthew lives) or San Fransisco (where I shall someday live).
San Fran - 7 hours and 44 minutes away
Oakdale - About 5 hours away.
So guess who isn't going to either of those places?!

In honor of my least favorite holiday:

I am a proud Scot and despise this Irish holiday.
Wake me when the Scottish Festival comes to town (:

I want some fresh faces.
And maybe someone to hold hands and watch movies with? I miss dates with someone who actually likes me in return.
And I miss calling someone every night and texting one particular person "good morning, sunshine! :D <3"
I need some good ole' fashion summer lovin'
and I wouldn't mind it starting before summer does ^-^

people I would like to know.

2010-03-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

"I want people to realize that it is better to starve in the arms of someone you love than to be wealthy but lonely and headed nowhere."
that was from a random Formspring answer that I read from this girl who lives a few hours from me, who I never spoken to, and is just a friend of a friend to me.
It made my day to hear something I've been trying to get across for so long worded so perfectly a simply.

Everything around me in changing.
It seems to do this a lot and I can never put my finger on what it is that is changing.
Myself, I want to change along with the times too.
I want new, interesting people in my life...
I'm going to introduce myself to that girl that I quoted at the beginning of my blog.

I told Joshua that I would single handedly make things better for him
and now, I need to do the same for myself.

Side thought: the concept of pansexuality interests me.
For those who are unaware of what it is, it is described as "a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex"

My name is Brianna Rawley

2010-03-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

Always has, always will be.
I am 5ft 2inches in height, and yes, that's standing up, surprisingly.
I'm pale on most occasions but get an accidental tan every summer due to band camp and lots of outside community service at Castaway Critters.
I get sick easily and my back almost always hurts.
I can easily look flatchested in slightly baggy t-shirts
and I don't know the number one hit of the week.
I don't like fast cars or muscular guys.

I dig my Scion and this one acoustic folk indie band more than most things.
I like car dancing and sing-a-longs.
I have a best friend with spikey hair and holes in her face. She's been my best friend for 7 years and is the single-most important person in my life outside of my family.
I have a ceramic cat that my best friend named Otis - he's been in the back seat of my car for a few weeks now and still makes me laugh every time I look at him.
I spit when I laugh.

I'm notorious for spitting out drinks onto people around me. On accident, of course.
I'm not as smart as some but I know a lot about random things.
I am Buddhist. I have been for a little over a year.
I am very tolerant of everyone and everything.
My morals are one of the most important virtues I have possess.
Trustworthiness is another
and confidence.

I like smiling at strangers and laughing way too hard over silly things.
I like planning out futures with people and imagining how amazing things will be.
I want to attend The Academy of Art in San Francisco.
I want to live in Toronto, Ontario.
Doing what I love and I personally believe to be right is most important to me.
I am very hardheaded and lighthearted.
I drink tea, wear fake glasses, and enjoy oversized sweaters when I don't feel like getting dressed.

I like art and am a fashion designer.
I would do anything for someone I care about and am constantly going out of my way for the benefit of others - and not minding a bit.
I like people relying on me.
Zooey Deschannel is my favorite actress.
I don't cuss unless I'm really mad.
I believe I'm a Democrat, although, I'm too young to vote and have never taken the time to really look into it. I know I'm not a Republican.
I'm unbearably gullible and forgiving. And yes, people take advantage of this all the time.

Sunflowers are my favorite flower.
I hate when people say sorry. I believe you shouldn't ever have to tell me sorry.
I like sarcasm.
I have a new found love of having my hair played with and how boys smell different on dates than they do when you just "see them around".
I'm an avid people watcher.
Asians are my favorite race.
I'm in love with love.
I'm not living for the day I obtain a husband, children, and a white picket fence - I want adventure and fear and love and the unknown the play a major role in my life.

At 16, I know exactly what I want to do with my life.
I am abstinent. Have never touched a cigarette, weed, drugs, or an alcoholic beverage, etc.
To this day, I have kissed two boys. Both of which I was dating, both of which meant a lot to me.
I have very high standards and know what I want.
Some people think I'm a "bitch" because of this. If that's what makes me one, well then, I'm very proud to be one cause I refuse to give-in to anyone.

My skin is super thick and very little gets to me anymore.
I have been accused of having a wall up. I believe this to be true.
To this day, I have not come across anyone worth taking that wall down for.
My favorite novel is The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I see myself as being a version of Sam. I live for feeling infinite.

I have the greatest friends in the world.
The people I care about, I keep around forever.
Since I was 12, I have loved a boy in California. He's perfection and to this day, still makes me smile bigger than most people in Georgia can do.
I want to get a tattoo of Georgia on the back of my right shoulder with a heart of Blairsville. I plan to leave here for many years
but this place will always been my home.

I want to get Waldo tattooed on the back of my ear.
I want to get "perfect exists, but only a day like this" and my wedding dated tattooed on the inside of my right forearm.
I want to get Buddha tattooed on my left arm.
I want to get "promise" tattooed on my pinky. Pinky promises mean a lot to me.
I want to get some imadethismistake lyrics tattooed on my hip bones. He's been my favorite musician since August 21, 2007.
I want to get "I swear we were infitite" tattooed on my back.
I want to get a bee with a heart as his head tattooed on my left arm which is a Jason Mraz inspired tattoo for "Be Love."
I want to get "trio of lunatics" tattooed around my left wrist like a bracelet.
for Joshua Nicholas and Farrah Jade, my best friends, who are, in fact, lunatics.

I like puns
and silly knock-knock jokes.
I hate sleeping in late, even on weekends.
I very rarely actually pursue my crushes and when I do, I allow myself to become far too insecure.
I like people from far away and making plans with them to meet someday (:
I like people who are genuine and don't put on a mask for me or anyone else.
I like knowing people's full names and how they got little scars on their bodies.
I like sharing music and learning about new music.
Strawberries are my favorite fruit although I hate actually eating them. I like strawberry flavored things and m car is named Strawberry (After Strawberry Fields Forever.)
I ask a lot of questions.

& I will never be anything that I am not. I cannot change myself nor do I have any interest to.
You either like me like this or can kindly show yourself to the door now.

I am everything and nothing.
I am anything.
Old and new.
Futuristic and vintage.
A small town girl with a city girl heart.

I am Brianna Rawley Isbell.
The Isbell part may someday change or it may just have "crazy cat lady" added to the end of it.

i know what's best for me, but i want you instead

2010-03-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

dear self,
if in the future none of this turns out the way you planned on it to, never let yourself convince you that you were stupid.
you've put a lot of thought into this thus far and now, you're merely taking a chance and putting your trust into someone.
so you're not stupid for doing this, you're just being trusting and, last time i checked, that's not something to be ashamed of.
so, dear self,
i say, go for it.

Oh and Three Days Grace is currently residing in my CD player.
They're just so dang good & I often forget (:

I don't believe in bad people.
This, among tons of other things, I don't know if it's beneficial or not.

my mind is filled with useless clutter.

2010-03-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

Today was the first time in a super long time that I actually woke up in a horrible mood. Without even walking out of my room, I was already just in a terrible, annoyed mood and knew I'd have to fight the whole day not to kill anyone.
Luckily, it was a half day at school so I got to sit silently and watch a movie through first block (which was actually 3rd block) and then during second block (which was actually 4th block), I just sat with Joshua and Farrah and they allowed me to be in a bad mood
and occasionally just reassured me that everything would be okay and that I didn't need to be in a bad mood - but they didn't mind too much that I just flat out was.

I came home, took a nap, had another nightmare...or is it a daymare?, and am now getting ready to head to Blue Ridge for the evening.
Yeah, I'm happy that my plans ended up working out but my bad mood still hasn't gone away so I'm not sure what the cause of it is now -shrug-

self-medication: take 538

2010-03-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

It's strange to me how we make plans with people and just assume that you mean enough to that person that they will, without a doubt, still be a strong participant in your life to fulfill these plans.
But that rarely ever happens.
But hey, the plans don't need to suffer because of this, and we still hold the urge to carry out the plans. Be it by ourselves or someone completely different.
And it's strange to me how the person we do actually fulfill those plans with, may not even be someone you've already met. That there is someone out there, a complete stranger, who would find your plans that you made with a former friend/boyfriend completely awesome and smile at you because you share interests with them and then they will add their own flair into it too.

It's just strange how, for those who haven't met their soul mates, their is someone out there waiting for them too. Maybe even searching.
And one day, you're just going to bump into each other and have a conversation over your choice of shoes that morning or the way you were late for work because you woke up with a hair sticking straight up and the process of how you got it fixed.
And you'll laugh and smile and somewhere along the line, you'll realize this is the person you've been searching your entire life for.

I hope for you, and for myself, that you find that person and they are everything you could ever hope to be.

This was my dream home when we first talked about it. But now you're no longer around and yet, this is still my dream home. I'm sure someday it'll make a wonderful palace for me and the soul-mate I have yet to meet.

I don't blame love for bad experiences and heart breaks.
I blame the people.

It's funny how things work.
And all the mysteries that we're completely unaware of right now.
The paths of things that could of been uncovered had we just taken a bit more of a risk last week.
The things we'll never know.
How I wish I could re-live this life over & over again.
But we only get one shot.
Let's smile at strangers, take risks, fall in love, be foolish, let's all just live...for right now.

I'm happy and excited to see what
mysteries my existence uncovers (:

I constantly find myself...

2010-03-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

like those girls in the movies.
You know the high-class uptown girls falling for the boy on the "wrong side of the tracks"?
Story of my life.

Except I'm not a high class uptown girl... but morally speaking, as far as most of society is concerned, I'm on the right side of the tracks and I always fall for the "bad boys."
...the reckless ones who barely even know the meaning of the word "moral" and participate religiously in everything I'm against.

I really don't know why this always tends to happen.
I've always have a slight fascination with the "other side" although I know in my heart that I would never actual partake.

Spring Cleaning

2010-03-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

Putting jackets and sweaters away, taking out the dresses and tank tops.
Ohhh I'm so excited to finally have skin again!
I despise being covered head to toe in fabric and still be shivering.

I'm at that point again where I'm bored.
As I said in my last blog, I'm working on new projects.
I want to meet an awesome boy because, for some reason, being completely alone is starting to get to me. Especially with my two best (girl) friends being in awesome committed relationships, it's no fun to be the 3rd wheel.
Desperation is not for me though.

I cannot wait for summer vacation!
Where I can make up my own schedule - work and social.
Also, I'm going to head back to Castaway Critters and spend the summer volunteering again!
I love not being in school. That way I get to chose who I see on a daily basis and am just surrounded by the people I actually want to surround myself with.

I ordered an amazing Smiths shirt last week.
However, I forgot to check where it's shipping from.
I hope shipments from Thailand don't take too long.
n.n

7. March. 2k10

2010-03-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say
2010 is, thus far, going wonderfully :D!
In a downhill economy, I have been able to take a small step forward.
My best friend is almost constantly by my side.
People rely on me and I haven't let a single one down yet.
My judgments have gotten better.
My mind has been constantly active.
My interests are broadening.

Go 2010! 3 down, 9 more to go (:

I'm setting out on a new idea with Skye Britni
who is one of my favorite people ever.
She is definitely the only person who shares my interests for random acts of kindness.
That is something I want to focus on extra this year. I started getting into it near the end of last year so I didn't have time to fully develop in that.
If I'm having a splendid year, why shouldn't everyone else? :D!

So Skye and I are doing that.
But I'm not going to tell you what we're doing yet cause, well, I don't want to.
(:
suspense.

I'm going to go partake in some super-late night meditation to attempt to rid my mind of whatever it is that is causing myself to have this horrid nightmares.

If we only stayed together I might not of fallen apart

2010-03-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

thank you, Motion City Soundtrack. I could not agree more.

I really cannot wait for the day when I'm done proving that I don't need anyone
And can just admit that having someone would be hecka sweet.

You, sir, are downright ridiculous sometimes.
The cool part is the truly don't need you either.

I misplaced my headphones...
How am I suppsed to sleep?

gooood (:

2010-03-01T19:36:00.001-08:00

I was totally prepared for tonight to be crappy and stressful,
but somehow, I managed to get everything done on time.
Well, not everything...I didn't write my introduction paragraph but I plan to do that in the morning.

I wish boys weren't so routine.
Like..."awhh that's cute! wait. I'm pretty sure it's cute to every other girl you've pulled at with too"
and I'm pretty sure that's a facebook group.
But what isn't these days?

Sincerity goes a long way with me.
As do please and thank yous.
I just dig classy people.

I don't remember why I started this post.
I feel good tonight! I like not being rushed or stressed...and it's especially nice when I planned for it (:

I wish I had someone to fall asleep talking to.
I'd even settle for texting.
*shrug*
I miss just having someone there.

let's just all live for right now

2010-02-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

Because right now, I'm completely unsure of what it is I want
but I can feel, in the pit of my stomach, that there is something I am missing.

Right now, I am also completely overwhelmed.
School work has, yet again, taken me over.
I know I've complained about this before but then things settled down and now it's back with a vengeance.
Even if the thing that I feel as though I'm missing was to walk up and slap me in the face, I'm sure I'd be too busy to notice it.

Right now, I am completely broke.
But I'm hopefully starting a new job tomorrow that will help me rake in some money.
For a little while at least.
Otherwise, I'm going to be walking to school...

Right now, I feel myself falling over someone no one agrees with
and I myself know is probably not the greatest guy I could associate myself with.
But the in the same pit of my stomach that makes me feel like I'm missing something, it has also made me see something amazing about that kid.

Right now, I can't walk by a mirror without smiling at myself.
I know it's very shallow for the mere color of my hair to determine how I feel about myself but right now, I couldn't care less. I feel beautiful again and it's a very nice self esteem boost.

Right now, as I'm re-reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I'm committing to memory the little sayings that I enjoy. I think I might add a quote from that novel to the list of possible someday tattoos.

Right now, I am very sleepy and at peace with everything. This past week I've been working towards smiling at the two enemies I've managed to create. I am not a fan of the negativity I feel toward those people and I am working on ridding of it.

Right now, I am listening to Imogen Heap and hopefully so will you.

Dear Self,

2010-02-22T13:18:00.001-08:00

slooooooow dooooown!
you talk way too fast, think way too fast, walk way too fast, get bored way too fast, love way too fast, assume way too fast, give up way too fast, decide way too fast, read way too fast, etc.
chill out.
it's pretty bad when you begin to annoy yourself with your habits.

ohhh Sunshine, my love.

2010-02-21T12:43:00.000-08:00

How I have missed you so terribly!
I'm becoming more and more excited with the thought that maybe now, or maybe in just a few more weeks, you'll be here to stay for a few months!

I really really really really want to go bike riding right now.
I'm trying to convince Joshua to come over with his bike since he doesn't have anywhere to be until like 6 or so.

I want this bike:

with this helmet:

they have both of them at WalMart :D!
Something to save money for? I'd say so!

I'm so happy and excited today :D!

it's been one of those weeks

2010-02-19T13:50:00.000-08:00

I was out of my groove all week...
I'm just going to blame the snow days for throwing my mind and schedule all out of proportion
and making me feel like poo.
Let's blame the cold weather too cause today, it was slightly warmer and I felt goooood!
At least until I slipped in some left over ice, got it in my shoe, and my cold feet made the rest of me cold.

I've just been in one of those hoodie and comfty pants moods all day.
I want a really good movie, a fire, and to cuddle up with someone I like a whole lot.
That's all I really want right now
(:

ohhh well.
The end of the week is almost upon us!
The dawning of a new day is almost upon us!

This blog was originally going to be longer
but I'm having a kick-butt conversation with this partial stranger
soooo I'm going to go back to that.
Ta-Ta!

so I just found out...

2010-02-18T13:27:00.000-08:00

that like 5 other people have imadethismistake tattoos.
I was, obviously, unaware.
Let. Down.

I'm having an ugly day
but, on the plus side, I think I may finally understand what's going on in geometry!
And I checked Catcher In the Rye out of the library today. I've heard it's going to depress the heck out of me so I may not finish it.

I despise

2010-02-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

when someone means more to me than I do to them.

We Are More.

2010-02-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

(I have this bad habit of losing links to cool things and completely forgetting about them so I'll store this poem in my blog so I can re-read it again and again whenever I feel like it. And if you didn't see the Olympic ceremony, well, you can read it too!)

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada
you might list some statistics
you might mention our tallest building
or biggest lake
you might shake a tree in the fall
and call a red leaf Canada
you might rattle off some celebrities
might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
might even mention the fact that we've got a few
Barenaked Ladies
or that we made these crazy things
like zippers
electric cars
and washing machines
when defining Canada
it seems the world's anthem has been
" been there done that"
and maybe that's where we used to be at
it's true
we've done and we've been
we've seen
all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
and turned into theme parks
but when defining Canada
don't forget to mention that we have set sparks
we are not just fishing stories
about the one that got away
we do more than sit around and say "eh?"
and yes
we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
who inspired little number nines
and little number ninety-nines
but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
and some say what defines us
is something as simple as please and thank you
and as for you're welcome
well we say that too
but we are more
than genteel or civilized
we are an idea in the process
of being realized
we are young
we are cultures strung together
then woven into a tapestry
and the design
is what makes us more
than the sum total of our history
we are an experiment going right for a change
with influences that range from a to zed
and yes we say zed instead of zee
we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy
we dream so big that there are those
who would call our ambition an industry
because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow
we do more than grow wheat and brew beer
we are vineyards of good year after good year
we reforest what we clear
because we believe in generations beyond our own
knowing now that so many of us
have grown past what used to be
we can stand here today
filled with all the hope people have
when they say things like "someday"
someday we'll be great
someday we'll be this
or that
someday we'll be at a point
when someday was yesterday
and all of our aspirations will pay the way
for those who on that day
look towards tomorrow
and still they say someday
we will reach the goals we set
and we will get interest on our inspiration
because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks
more than backpacks and hiking trails
we are hammers and nails building bridges
towards those who are willing to walk across
we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss
we are not the see-through gloss or glamour
of those who clamour for the failings of others
we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers
uncles and nephews aunts and nieces
we are cousins
we are found missing puzzle pieces
we are families with room at the table for newcomers
we are more than summers and winters
more than on and off seasons
we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay
because we are more than what we say or do
we live to get past what we go through
and learn who we are
we are students
students who study the studiousness of studying
so we know what as well as why
we don't have all the answers but we try
and the effort is what makes us more we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for
so keep exploring
go far and wide
or go inside but go deep
go deep
as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss
and suddenly there was this location scout
trying to figure some way out
to get inside you
because you've been through hell and high water
and you went deep
keep exploring
because we are more
than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
we are more than hills to ski
or countryside ponds to skate
we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes
a country that is all the ways you choose to live
a land that can give you variety
because we are choices
we are millions upon millions of voices shouting
" keep exploring... we are more"
we are the surprise the world has in store for you
it's true
Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"
so don't say "been there done that"
unless you've sat on the sidewalk
while chalk artists draw still lifes
on the concrete of a kid in the street
beatboxing to Neil Young for fun
don't say you've been there done that
unless you've been here doing it
let this country be your first-aid kit
for all the times you get sick of the same old same old
let us be the story told to your friends
and when that story ends
leave chapters for the next time you'll come back
next time pack for all the things
you didn't pack for the first time
but don't let your luggage define your travels
each life unravels differently
and experiences are what make up
the colours of our tapestry
we are the true north
strong and free
and what's more
is that we didn't just say it
we made it be.

2010-02-12T08:40:00.001-08:00

So I'm currently sitting in my anatomy class waiting for the bell to go home rings.
We're going home early yet again today due to the fear of a snowstorm heading this way.
I think Mikey was right... I'm never going to have to go to school again.

Maybe the snow days have made me feel like I do or possibly the fact that spring 2011 is slowly creeping up on me so now I just feel ready to leave this place.
Whatever the reasoning may be, I've gotten to feeling as though everything is only a temporary state. Like nothing truly matters right now because it will all go away soon enough.

Some boy has taken it upon himself to get in front of the class and enternain us with a fast food story.
Thank you, boy.

she wore a rasberry beret

2010-02-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

so today, I went thrifting after school with my BFF STEPH and got a super cute multi-colored sweater and some new sunglasses since my aviators were falling apart.
I love her and thrift stores.
Speically when you put the two together!

My day was kinda heading downhill cause for the first time ever, I am sincerely annoyed by a very close friend of mine.
Selfishness does not sit very well with me for the record.

When I got home, I got a call from some modeling agency in Atlanta.
They were really interested in meeting me and asked me all sorts of questions about what I do and such
and the end result was they were really impressed by me and "love my energy".
Pffft whatever. I know you're paid to raise my self esteem but thank you, regardless.
I think I might go look into it and see if I can pass the audition.
Just kinda as one of those personal challenge things.
It would be nice to know that I have the option to be a model if I ever wanted to.
Haha.

I have a lot of homework to get done so I guess I'll go get on that.
Chromeo is still stuck in my head.
2-step 2-step 2-step

^-^

p.s.

2010-02-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

I need money.
$200 for a serger
$2,850 for summer film institute
However much registration for the SAT is
and however much this book is

I need to remember to register SOON!

Oh and to my father, I really do apologize that you've been cursed with such a terrible, irresponsible, ungrateful, strange, lazy, stupid daughter.
I mean, I really am sorry.
Absolutely nooooo sarcasm intended.
pfft.

happiness.

2010-02-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

today, I just woke up in an amazing mood
and the day didn't disappoint me at all :D!
I love days when everyone around me is in an equally good mood!
It's nice.

I've come to the conclusion that real happiness comes from the present.
Even if it's in the tiniest form and you really have to search for it - it's always there.
And if more people lived for the right now, everyone would be so much better off.
Sure, the past is full of mistakes and the future is full of unknown surprises
but right now if for certain and it's all that we can ever be sure of really.

I'm happy.
This is the happiest I've been in a few days so it's nice (:
I don't understand geometry though so I'm going to go consult my Youtube teacher
and bash my head on some desks.

Sooo long!

meditation.

2010-02-01T19:09:00.000-08:00

meditation is something I really need to get the hang of.
My mind is cluttered with useless tension towards everyone and everything
and I'm falling into teenage angst.

I'm sick of myself.
Sick of the negative person I have allowed myself to become.
The person who gets annoyed with everything and wants to know every piece of juicy info that's on the "DL of the school hallways."

This is getting in the way of my art
and me feeling truly accepting of myself.

Half the time, I want myself to shut up because I can't stand the sound of my own voice.
I flinch with embarrassment when I just said something I know was completely stupid.

*sigh*
road to renewal - take 386 - step 1
...I've been down this road so many times before.
I don't understand why once I get myself "fixed", I let myself go back to this way.
Maybe no one else has noticed but I'm bothering myself and I want change.

just words.

2010-01-31T13:50:00.000-08:00

"the second you are satisfied with your art, is the second you should stop being an artist"

that quote is what is going to get me through this next project and keep me from slamming my head into a desk.
no artist every really really likes their work, right?
...right?

the great punchline.

2010-01-28T16:47:00.001-08:00

What do you get when you cross a short tattooed biker Hungarian guy with a properly raised Canadian lady?
Well, the punchline comes along within my entire existence.

I'll be the first to admit,
I am not cut-out to graduate from my 13+ years of schooling and go onto enroll into another 8 years of school.
I am not cut-out for a 9 to 5 job of punching the clock in daily and my biggest decision of the day being where I will eat lunch.
Nope nope nope.
and if it ever becomes my thing, so be it.
That will be the person I someday transform into.

However, I do not know what my long-term run holds for me.
I don't have a giant plan marked down to exact dates of when I'll marry, when I'll have kids, when I'll move to the country side and buy a white picket fence...
Heck, I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow.
And personally, that's the way I prefer it.

I don't know what my future holds.
And you cannot tell me what is in my future either...
Therefore, I'd really appreciate it if people, who think they have everything so figured out, would stop pushing their ideas down my throat.
I make decisions a countless number of times each day. Decisions that I may not learn the outcome of for years.
However, the outcomes I receive, are not for you to decide.

I don't take things too seriously.
I don't care if I end up living out of the back of my car begging for money someday. Whatever path I choose, no matter how many times that changes, I'll be happy.
Above all else, I make myself happy.

No, I don't have everything figured out.
Neither do you.
Yes, I still wander around searching for who I am and who I want to be.
No one else can choose that for me.

I'm sick of people telling me I'm wrong.

Why do I do the things I do?
Because no one ever told me I couldn't.
And I'm sorry if you've ever been criticized for your dreams or for who you truly are.

I'm hardheaded and have been granted tunnel vision.

you're such a sucker for sweet talker.

2010-01-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm well aware that most boys/people make fun of girls for watching the cliche love stories and then wanting to transform their entire lives into that perfect story.
I used to be one of those people to make fun of girls like that
but...
now, deep down, I can't help but think that that is something I actually deserve and I should really stop settling.

I also realized that I cannot watch The Notebook. All that plays through my mind the whole time is
"hey, let's reenact that one scene from the notebook"
"I have no idea what you're talking about...I've never seen it"
"the one where it's raining and the boy spins the girl around and tells her how much he loves her"
I tried to watch The Notebook tonight since there wasn't anything on TV.
but I turned it off and dragged myself in here to write this.

collection of thoughts

2010-01-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

First order of business:
I am sick, yet again. I think this about the 6th time I've gotten majorly sick this winter. New record, for sure.
I hope to never top this record either. I'm completely miserable and really wish I could pay someone to play with my hair all day and make me endless amounts of soup. Well, I guess that's what moms are for but for some reason, I've just been hanging out by myself and making my own soup...although Mom keeps offering.
I remember when I was little, I loved being sick because it was the only time my parents would stop arguing. Cause, of course, it's a big deal when little kids get sick. Now, not so much though.
Now being sick consists of Dad slapping his palm to my forehead, proclaiming that I don't have a fever, and then arguing with me non-stop that I'm just faking it to get out of something.
So now I'm just miserable and gaining absolutely nothing from this.
I have too much work to do for this stupidness :[

Second thought:
It is very certain that I have a slight case of separation anxiety. I cannot stand being alone. It also freaks me out to think about becoming distant from people I'm really close to. And it freaks me out even more to know that that happens regularly. I fight endlessly to keep the people I like close to me. Which is why I'm constantly either texting or instant messaging people. I just want to keep everyone close-by...I'm like a little kid trying to carry all her stuffed animals in her arms at one time to keep from having to leave a single one behind.

Yet another:
Yesterday, mom and I went to Micheal's and I was looking around at all the fun house-decorating and DIY stuff they have there.
I got super excited that I don't have much longer till I will have a place of my own to decorate and make completely my own!

that definitely tops my new-house-wishlist!
Ohhh and a housemate, of course! Because, thanks to my separation anxiety that I just told you about, I cannot imagine ever living alone.

Lastly and shortly:
I wish we had an amazing fabric store close by :[
the closest one that I know of is about 2 hours away and not even that great.
I hate that.

I'm in love and always will be

2010-01-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

Dido did a really amazing job at creating a song that has constantly been stuck in my head since I was little.
White Flag pops into my head at the strangest times and then hangs out in there for weeks on end.

side note, I have another letter to no-name! ^-^
it's not supposed to sound sad - just hopeful
These letters to no-name really help me get things off my chest.

Dear no-name,
the problem with you being so dang amazing and lovable and great is that everyone thinks you're so dang amazing and lovable and great.
You say I'm the most amazing and the best girl you've ever met
but,without any REAL assurance (and already having my trust thrown in my face once before), I have very little faith in your words sometimes.
In fact, I have very little faith in my own words. The fact that I've gotten so comfortable with handing my heart to you on a daily basis...I really don't even know how to stop now.
I talk about my future plans with you like they've already happened. Silly promises that have lasted for 4 years thus far.
I only have about 5 more months until I find out if you're sincere about your promises or if you're just another sweet talker.
Please, prove to me that 4 year old promises mean as much to you as they do to me
:]

Determination

2010-01-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

I have recently realized that "failure" isn't in my vocabulary.
I've never even really thought of what would happen if my dreams didn't come true or something didn't go according to plan.
I've just never thought like that.

I'm unsure as to whether or not this mindset is beneficial or not.

Regardless, 12 days into the new year and I'm currently tackling a huge new project for Ichigo!
Keeping myself busy - I feel like I have tunnel vision.

Bring it, 2010
C:

certified people watcher.

2010-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

I adore people.
Maybe not so much the trashy, common people I've become accustomed to that seem to flourish Blairsville.
But the people who live in run down city apartments or don't really have a place to call their own - the type of people who are actually living and have nothing handed to them.
the ones who manage to make ends meet with mere happiness being alive and the excitement of the unknown.
Those are the type of people I adore.
People with minds and brains unlike most.
And I would give anything for my mind to work like theirs...if any for a little while.

I want to be able to construct beautiful sentences and metaphors with just opening of my mouth.
Have everyone sitting on the edge of their seats just waiting for what my next move is going to be.
Maybe it doesn't come as easily for them either but they make it look so easy I could explode with envy.

"Please contact me IMMEDIATELY if you are.....between the ages of 19-24, also between 6 foot and 6-2 inches with tangled black hair and European mannerisms. long black shoes, maybe some facial hair, piercing eyes, artistic mind, self supporting, retro mother f*** who just wants to fall in love.....ehem....
Please contact me.... at 1-800 you have my heart "

--From a random boy on Lookbook.
For some reason, I just found that little tid bit more interesting than I possibly should of C:

So I think I finally have my "goals of 2010" together

2010-01-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

This year, I have full intentions of:

-coming up with a name for my clothing company. Starhip is out since there is a porn store named that in Atlanta. Ichigo is out because no one seems to be able to pronounce it and there is already a photography site out on Ducktown with that name.

-dye my hair this color:

this time, I'm doing it myself so it comes out actually the color I want it to. No more spending $93 on some lady who smells like cigarettes and completely ignores my hair-color requests.
January 16, 2k10, this hair shall be mine :D ohhh I'm so terribly excited!!

-be incredibly picky with my standards. especially when it comes to boys.
this going to be super hard since I usually hand out chances to everyone who passes by.

-not cuss. ever.
I mean, I rarely did already anyway cept when I was being funny or something was really bothering me. But not anymore!

-do something productive each and every day

-follow my religion better. It's honestly really strange for me to have "guidelines" kind of because I've never had a real religion before last year.
also, a major thing that is going to take a lot of getting used to

-be more carefree!! I want to make more plans and actually go through with them.
I don't want to come home everyday and sit around. I need to loosen up when it comes to doing stuff

I think that's all C:

C:

2010-01-01T20:31:00.001-08:00

So first off, I'd like to welcome 2010 into my life with open arms!
I realized this is my last full year at home.
Fall of 2011, I'm off to the dorm-life with, hopefully, my two amazing friends!
(Carls and Stephuhknee)

so far, I always says 2007 is the greatest year of my life.
Warped Tour
Local shows every weekend
Fun World every Friday night
Constantly meeting new people
Really no real care in the entire world
*sigh*
It was just 'mazing!
However, 2007 was officially 3 years ago...it's time I get a new favorite year
and well, 2010 seems like a good one to make my new favorite!
So, come, make plans with me, be silly with me, inspire me, fall in love with me, WHATEVER :D
let's just make it grand and pack so much into it, we forget half of it :P

Oh, for some reason, it was a big deal to me what the first song I listened to in 2010. I put my Ipod on shuffle and the song that came on first was April 18, 2008 by imadethismistake.
HOORAY! *clap* *applause*

oh (x2) this is my current favorite quote:
"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

This is for you to dance to C:

Ruki, the lead singer of that band, is the current holder of my heart C:
just sayinn'

IT'S OVER
I haven't watched Teen Girl Squad in forever

Just in case, I'll put The Smiths on my Ipod.

2009-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I've dedicated to digging into my mind and uncovering all the bands I used to listen to. For some reason, as I do this, I keep thinking about who would be impressed if they decided to randomly go through my Ipod someday.
It brings back a lot of fond memories :]
Like of one day when I was sitting on the Lido Deck of the ship and was desperately hoping that the group of kids around me would like me so I wouldn't be alone for 2 weeks...this boy, Evan (who I'm sure most of my friends have heard about by now), was going through my Ipod and was really impressed how "well-rounded [my] music tastes are". From there on out, we actually had stuff to talk about all the time and he became a really close friend of mine for 2 weeks.
And how Kozlov always used to ask me about bands in Geometry and I'd feel bad when I had no idea what he was talking about.
Music is wonderful C:

Maybe someday I can use my musical knowledge to fall in love with a complete stranger in an elevator.

I've said it before and I'll say it again

2009-12-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

I'm no longer sure of my blog posts because I've posted soooo many over the past 2 years, I don't know what I've addressed or what I've accomplished or even if I've used a title before.
Hmph.

But whether I've said it before or not,
I am happy! I'm always happy!
but I tend to feed off the energy of those around me a bit too much so lately, I've been very drained and easily annoyed.
Dislike.
Whenever I'm alone, my mood enhances by like 20 points..but I hate being alone.

Negativity needs to pack its bags and get far far away from me.
I'm so terribly sick of it.

side note: I've been obsessing over girl singers lately
and been fantasizing about possibly taking up singing again.
Now, all I need is a band to back me up. Hahhh
Whatever. ^-^

I am absolutely 150% completely and utterly....

2009-12-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

...sick of people letting me down time and time again.

goodbye 2k9

2009-12-21T12:58:00.001-08:00

Yes, I know I'm a big premature for writing this blog because I'm stuck with this year for a few more weeks.
but I'm ready to get it over with!
so here is an early blog with a recap of the year.
good, bad, and everything in between
(I think I made an almost exact one of these last year)

-I got my dream car! Scion XB 2006 is now mine :]]
-I wrecked my dream car and have yet to get it repaired...

-I started off the year with a fantastic boyfriend!
-I'm ending it being single with absolutely no interest in anyone.
-I dated my dream boy....who ended up not being anywhere close to who I thought he was

-I visited the Academy of Art's open house in Atlanta and fell in love with the school only to find out that it was in San Fransisco and I wasn't allowed to attend
(parents' rules there)

-I spent the summer volunteering at Castaway Critters and loved every second of it :D! Skye and I became really close during this time period!
and I became obsessed with Big Macs

I guess I kind of only remember the most recent things that have happened really.
My list is short, yes. I changed a lot this year. Maybe not so much changed as just realized that I have no idea who I am.
And that's really hard for me to admit because I was never one of the things I thought I'd have trouble with.
I get so much of "ohhh you like that? well so does ________"
and it happens to be a reoccurring person I hear that about which is the part that bothers me. I don't want to seem like I like stuff because she does.
and I know like what you like and blahhh
but ugh I don't know. For some reason it's just bothering me a lot right now.
*shrug*
I'm running from idea to idea and living up to my claim of changing my mind more than an alcoholic drinks.
I need to calm down and figure out my beliefs on each topic and put a lot of thought into my words before I let them run off my tongue.

As I promised myself last year, I have no new years resolutions this year.
c:

I'm ready for 2010.
I wish each year came with a blank page and a fresh start.

I'm kind of afraid to be honest...

2009-12-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

I get so incredibly intimidated when I look at other fashion designers' works. Or even just the style of other people's everyday fashion.
I know that I'm no where near as advanced as others out there. I know I can't dress the way they do or match up to their standards at all.
And that scares the heck out of me. or rather just intimidates me.

In Blairsville, I'm on top of everything.
People comment on my "original" style and how I'm going to go far with my designs...which is too be expected. I'm the only designer in Blairsville.
but when you compare me to the real world, I'm smaller than an ant.

I know I haven't had much experience and I still learn with every piece I create but..I guess I just get anxious sometimes. I want everything now! I want to be the best and the top dog all the time.
I hate the thought of competition but I've gathered that that is all that life turns out to be. One giant competition.
"sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself"

Maybe I don't even want to be compared to the rest. Maybe I'll get farther by doing my own thing and never matching their styles.
Come in from the side into the line of fashion instead of taking a direct shot!
That shall be my plan :]
and hey, if I happen to fail, I always have looks to fall back on. I'll just marry rich! (I'm kidding...slightly)

speaking of falling in love and getting married...
am I the only one who gets butterflies looking at him? :]!

I mean, really,how can you not love fashionable Asian boys?!
"Hong Kong, Malaysia, all over Asia, I'll have one of those please!
Asian boy you will be mine!"

Ohhhhdear
I think now at the end of this blog, I managed to flip my mood upside down!
:]